Why do abandoners lurk on my social media

whether or not i agree with it, some people just outright abandon us…but thats not the topic exactly. why do these people act as if nothing is wrong; while the abandoned deals with trauma and depression, the abandoner sees no issue in liking your statuses, viewing your stories, even one time said hi when we crossed paths at the mall…but doesn’t actually have any interest in talking to me (i would assume this to be the case as for the most part they have me blocked and/or restricted on every platform) , nor do they have any interest in apologizing for their behavior. i cannot for the life of me understand that kind of brain pattern.

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Hey there @mlssufan01,

This sounds like a tough and upsetting situation. If I understand well, someone ghosted you/removed you from their life, but they keep having these little and indirect interactions with you through social medias? That’s indeed some mixed signals right there.

I can’t tell you what’s on the mind of this person and I don’t know the context of this relationship, but if these views/likes and such are affecting you negatively, then it might be good to block them and remove them from your friends list on your social medias accounts? It’s totally up to you of course. I’d only assume that being in this in-between without clear boundaries or intentions could be pretty annoying, if not painful, in the long run. You deserve peace of mind too, and not to be constantly reminded of this person if they are not part of your life anymore.

Unfortunately, unless by having some honest conversation with them about their intentions, we can’t tell what’s going on in their mind and why they do what they do. Still you are in control of the boundaries you’d like to eventually set in this context too. Hold Fast. :hrtlegolove:

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To you, they are the abandoners, but for them they probably don’t even know they are viewed as such, and could think of themselves as casual acquaintances. If their level of interaction is “surface level” stuff, saying hi or randomly liking posts, then it may not have any deep meaning to them.

If it hurts you so much and keep reminding you of how they abandoned you, then it may be worthy to consider removing them from your social media.
It’s always hard to delete someone who meant a lot, but I assure you after the initial period of wondering what’s going on with them, you feel free of the mental pressure of their being on your list.

There is the option on fb at least to take a 30 break I think. Try that, maybe, and see how much relief it gets you, then you can decide on a more permanent basis.

Depends on what you’re comfortable with, of course. I know deleting social contacts is incredibly easy for me but it is a lot harder/complicated for others.

@mlssufan01

Sorry you’re having such a hard time lately. From what I can understand from all your posts put together. Someone called you toxic (in your stream?) and hasn’t apologize and if you see them out in public they are pleasant but don’t have any interest in associating with you outside of that. Blocking you on social media.

If someone blocks you on social media and doesn’t have an interest in you IRL… then, that’s a clear signal that you should just drop it and move on. They are setting boundaries for themselves that you should respect.

You’re interpreting their “behavior” as something bad they did to you and you’re making the rule that they have to apologize or they are in the wrong. They might not see it that way and that’s something you need to just accept, because it doesn’t seem like they want anything more to do with that topic.

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this post is referencing an IRL situation, not my stream. I had been close with this family for several years prior to the issue. the issue here is not that i haven’t dropped it, the issue is that I have been trying to drop it, and did drop it; they ended the relationship, mostly blocked me everywhere, won’t talk to me, but then like my statuses and pics and view my stories; so in essence even though i’ve done everything i can to move on, they don’t seem to want me to forget them.

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it sounds like they have made their position clear. Their liking posts and saying hello sounds like civil behaviour, general niceties without any deeper or hidden meaning.

It does sound like you are still carrying a lot of hurt with you about the whole situation and them. And this is causing you to think there is greater meaning to their clicking like on a post or saying hello.

You still have them on your social media. That would be the final step in your moving on from something that is causing you so much upset and hurt by the continued interaction.

It is possible that they have some kind of misplaced curiosity. It’s not the case of everyone, but sometimes even people who’d ghost someone else for some reason will keep being curious about how their life is… But it’s unhealthy.

I’ve had some brutal loss of contact with a friend once. They just didn’t want to do anything with me anymore and never told me why, even though I guessed so. It was really, really painful to be ghosted and blocked everywhere suddenly. That kind of experience is incredibly hurtful and brutal. Though despite it all, I think of them sometimes and wonder how they are. I wish they are well, but the communication is absolutely broken.

You cannot necessarily explain what’s on their mind that would explain their behavior. But you can make sure that you, in your own life, wouldn’t have to be affected by it. I’m no one to tell you what to do. Though I encourage you, in a friendly way, to consider just blocking them (on IG I suppose, since you’ve mentioned stories?). At some point, these kind of passive interactions can act as triggers and be really upsetting. You deserve to preserve your own peace of mind and focus on you. Unless you’d like to try to reach out to them and ask them what’s going on? All in all, this middle ground seems to be very uncomfortable to you, and that makes sense really. :hrtlegolove:

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Also, you have power here, in these social media. You can control what YOU are aware of (for example, who’s liking your posts, reading your stories, etc).

Don’t let that strength and control by diminished by the past. You can’t control how they act in public, but you can control how you react to it. If they say hello, and you don’t think that is the relationship you share, you are fully entitled to not answer and walk past them without a single word or comment. That would convey how you feel.

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I just wanted to really second that. It’s been something that has helped me personally in the situation I mentioned before. It was a real grief process. Heartbreaking. It’s not fair to be left without any explaination and just having to basically “deal with it”. Though when I’ve started to realize that they could have handled the situation with a mature communication instead, that they could have just made different choices, I’ve seen that their decisions was the reflection of their own boundaries, not mine. I didn’t have to be trapped by their decisions. I could also decide to let them go at some point - even if it’s not that easy at first, what the mind knows is often different from what we feel. But it’s definitely helped me to feel in control again and regain MY power to decide after feeling like it was robbed from me. Some people decide for two sometimes. It’s not fair. Yet we still have the power to choose what we are going to focus on in the future.

@mlssufan01 You deserve to focus on your life and make your own decisions, without having to be affected or reminded of someone else’s decisions. They decided to stay away from you without talking about it? That’s on them. And you have the right to not be trapped in their inability to communicate, in their own curiosity, or whatever it is that motivates them to have this blurry connection with you right now.

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For what it’s worth, I feel you. I just reactivated my Facebook for a class that’s taking place on Facebook streams. I haven’t posted anything to my public account and am not interacting outside the class page, and my ex Liked my profile picture. I haven’t been active on FB for months, so I’m pretty sure I didn’t pop up on her feed. That implies she searched my profile, and left an unpleasant little reminder that she’s still there, still remembers me.

It’s hard to understand what’s going when details are left out, sorry.

I echo exactly what @Sita said. If it bothers you that they see you on social media, block them.

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