Why do i do this to myself

Why can’t i allow myself to be happy? Everytime i make good friends or begin to be happy, i shut myself down and believe it not to be true. I put thoughts into my head and they just stick there. I don’t WANT to be happy but i want the aspects of being happy if that makes sense. I want a close friend, i want to be able to laugh more than a few times a month, i want a conversation with somebody about something meaningful or even playful. I feel more mature than i did a week or a month ago, i don’t know if it’s just me being sad or if i actually somehow matured more in that time frame? I just… i don’t know anymore. I want happiness but i enjoy sadness. It doesn’t make sense.


Hi @echo, it is good to see you again. I am really sorry you are feeling like you are getting in your own way. I can relate, and self sabotage is so complicated and so personal. We can stand in our own way for a number of reasons. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, and some of that is personal growth which can be really stressful. You say you are more mature, but sometimes that can complicate things more than it can simplify them. Being an adult is hard!

I think you have probably heard misery loves company? It is said a lot, because I see it tends to be true. Sometimes the more we are getting better, the more uncomfortable we get with the new experience, and the more we knock ourselves back down to something familiar even if that means sadness. You deserve to be happy, but it is okay to struggle to get there, or even know the path. How can we support you? Because your experience through this is really important, and we are lucky to be able to hear your story and be here for you. Hang in there.

1 Like

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Being more comfortable and familiar with sadness makes sense if you’ve been living that way for a long time. I don’t know if this is true for you, but I do know that sometimes we don’t believe we deserve happiness and therefore have trouble accepting it for ourselves. For me, I thought happiness was me being selfish because that’s what my family taught me. Once I worked through that and began allowing myself to do things that made me happy, I was so used to being sad that I had an identity crisis because it wasn’t the feelings and thoughts that I was used to. I felt like a completely different person and it was strange and took time to accept. For my friend, he believed he wasn’t worthy of happiness because his family taught him that he was worthless. Basically, happiness may feel wrong or unfamiliar for you but you are totally worthy of happiness. You deserve happiness. Your mind may trick you into thinking that it is wrong to feel happy for some reason, but happiness is okay. You can still be yourself and be happy. Thank you again for sharing.