Hello Friends,
I hope you are all doing well and all your lives are hopefully slowly returning to life as we knew it and thanks for reading this and support me thought this struggle and the next as you do for everyone in this Community <3.
Recently, especially with lockdown, I have been feeling extremely lonely and wishing that I had someone even though thought-out the lockdown that I couldn’t see anyone or date. I wish that I had someone relationship-wise and I hear that being in a relationship doesn’t define me, but I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something. I see friends and colleagues around my age, 19 that have relationships that have been together for years or a short period and I have needed had that and I think there is something wrong with me for not having this in my life.
In this COVID-19 lockdown, I have downloaded every app you can imagine to try and find someone Tinder, Bumble, Match .etc and being on that apps is upsetting me because I want to find that girl, but knowing that I’m insecure about my body and my looks, with having a baby face still at 19 and being 5ft 6in, so what is a normal weight for taller people, I’m curvy, so being on these apps and the thought in my head of “Woah, everyone in a 20-mile radius must think I’m as ugly as I feel” really gets to me. And I am not what the media or society defines as cute.
When speaking to new people, it takes time for me to get to know them and break the ice, so this could be talking for a while or just hanging out friends for me to being comfortable around them, and I am socially awkward at first, so this is why when I do match with someone or trying to get to know them, so this often leads me to the friend zone. I feel awkward and cheesy and they aren’t interested because I’m out of my comfort zone, I also have this issue when going to bars or clubs I can never just speak to a girl unless it’s a friend of a friend or something like that.
I am quite quirky and nerdy, and I’m not the typical lad (British Term, not sure if it makes scene to the rest of the world). All I would want it to treat a girl nicely and be there for her, but I’m not the “bad boy” that girls look for and I can’t play the good guy card either, so I’m just unsure of why I seem unlikeable and just wanting to be happy.
I have been single since last July (2019) where it was my first relationship and I was used for money and sex and never really felt wanted or cared about and got a text saying “I love you, but I stayed at my friend’s house last night and we slept together, I know you like me but I just fell for him” then I lost it the only person I ever had a relationship with Used me for sex, money and cheated on me.
At the start of this when we started going out I was so happy before things turned south and I’m just looking for this happiness again. I just want to be happy with someone and I’m just 19 but everyone seems to be moving on in their lives in some way while I’m just treading water and doomed to make the mistakes that being make when they start dating now and possibly seem immature.
I just feel in an awkward time in my life where I want to get out there and I feel ugly and my self-confidence is letting me down, because when I have been talking to people in lockdown as always gone badly, and all the times in my life when I have attempted this I’ve always been rejected. I just don’t know what to do right now.
