Why do I have to feel this way

I have two sibblings diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My family used to be somewhat normal, we all were close and happy. Then when i was younger around middle school my brother went through his first mania then later my sister. Life began to become hard. Overall my brother got hospitalized a couple times and my sister once. My sister is doing well now her husband makes it his duty to take care of her and makes sure she takes her medication and they finally seem to be having a normal life. My brother though stopped taking his medications, then went through another mania, is in a different country and wont come back. He asks my parents for money everyday and always calls them and makes them worry. We are also like basically poor too. Like we have a house and a car to get around and all but my parents are in debt and Ive been working hard to make money to pay for my for tuition.

The reason im making this is because i feel so extremely lonely. Everyone seems to be having a life my two sisters are busy with their lives. Then theres my parents that dont notice me at all because they spend every day worrying about my brother. My parents used to check on me theyd call me for breakfast or dinner. But now I usually go upstairs and eat alone or get takeout. The other day i felt unwell and ended up sleeping until 7pm I woke up so hungry and there wasn’t rlly any food so i had to order and they just made it seem like i was just hiding in my room all day(which they think i di every day because they dont notice me at all) i really do understand why they are like this and i wish i could help them out but i feel so lonely and depressed. I feel like deadweight just in my room/bed its even worst since classes are online. Im currently 18 and never dated either and I’ve never rlly cared in highschool but right now i cant stop feeling so empty inside. I just want someone, I want to be embraced, I just want to feel something. Not to mention i currently only have four friends and only two of them havent moved away. The two that did were the ones i could talk to and felt most comfortable so now i have no where to go. Im stuck in my room all day im behind in my classes and i feel so pathetic. I hate myself so much and i hate that i am so desperate for attention. I understand that i didn’t get the attention i wanted from my parents because they needed to focus on my siblings that needed it. I dont have anything against that. But I cant talk to my parents or crave attention from them because they always tell me how parents give the most attention to the child that needs it the most and that im healthy and they trust i will be fine.

I cry alot at night im quiet so no one can hear me but deep down i want them to hear me and console me but i know even if they did that wouldn’t happen. Is it bad that I am so unhappy and want attention. I feel like i have no right to feel this way. I do get really bad panic attacks that happen the most because of my ptsd of the first mania my brother went through where he abused my sister and my mom in front if me and then he abused me multiple times. But even writing this feels weird as if its not real because it feels like my parents pretend it never happened. I dont hate my brother i understand he is just not mentally well when he’s like this. I feel selfish as if i want the attention from my brother that does in fact need it. Its not that though i just feel so lost i have no one to rely on or to give me love. I know it’s pathetic but I just dont know how to not feel so unhappy. I think Ive been going through depression for a long time now. I dont know what to do. Am i being a bit selfish or dramatic? I know its silly to come here just for validation but I just want someone to tell me im not a piece of shit.
If you actually took the time to read this im so sorry its so long and thank you.


it’s natural to feel overlooked when your parents have devoted much of their time to your siblings. But you also deserve some of their love and attention. It sounds like everyone there has been through a rough time. Could you get extra takeout and make it a sort of ‘dinner date’ with your parents and you alone? Ask them if you could spend some time with them alone because it’s been a long while since you three just hung out together and spent some time catching up?

You have to open up for them to know something is wrong. It’s not easy and they may initially think it’s not as dire as your brother, but you have to let them know what you’re feeling and how it’s affecting you too.

I’m glad you’re here with us, I see you, I hear your struggles, and I believe that you are worthy and valuable, just as you are. It’s hard when you feel you’ve missed something from your parents, but as we get older, it is possible to start being those things for ourselves as well, and sort of reparent ourselves if our parents are incapable of providing certain things emotionally.

We’re here for you, and we will help you and support you as best as we can. Thank you for trusting us with your precious emotions.

Thank you i really appreciate your response. The problem with this though is I have alot especially in my years in high school as i needed the most support then. If i tell them these feelings they tell me i shouldn’t be ungrateful and that im healthy and have a good life. I understand they are right but i guess i wanted to hear something else from them. Also everytime I suggest we do something or eat out they tell me that they will when things are better but things never seem to get better. Also when im hungry ill ask my parents to join but they’ll tell me they aren’t hungry and eat later. Or ill catch them eating and by the time i get seated they finish and leave. The worst part is when its any of my other sibblings they always go out of the way to do what they want or please them. So I think I might just give up on yearning for love and attention as Im getting older I guess. I just dont know what to do now and how to not feel so unhappy. I feel like im constantly trying to find something fill this gap.

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Hi Friend, Thank you so much for posting here and welcome to Heartsupport. Your post really grabbed my attention and my heart is heavy for you.
The first thing that came into my head when reading was “this cannot be something that just this one person feels” because what you say makes sense, how you feels like a perfectly natural human response to situation in which you were raised so because that was just a feeling I decided to do some research so I wasn’t just talking from a gut reaction and there are sites all over the internet on siblings living with mental illness, there is a well sibling syndrome!!! They all talk about how difficult it is to be in the situation you were/are in and the effect it has on you.
I am going to put a couple of links at the bottom so you can read yourself. You my friend are not pathetic, selfish or an attention seeker, you are human and you were neglected but not on purpose which doesn’t make that any easier for you to deal with but it does look better from an outsider.
Friend after reading that you have had a lot to manage mentally in a world where the focus has been on others and now you are at an age where you can go and ask for help yourself, talk to a councellor or therapist, deal with those feelings and I would love you to do that. Its your time now and you will see that as you start working on that your world will begin to open up and other opportunities will present themselves to you (relationships etc) and you will be ready for that. I want to see nothing more than you begin to grow in life and no longer feel that loneliness. I truly hope this gives you a little of the validation that you so deserve.
Please remember we are here for you and I will also give you the links for our discord and heart support streams if you would like to come along and check those out too, they can be good fun. I would love to know how you are getting on if you want to do an update anytime. Much Love Lisa. x

Here are the links for you

Home - Sibs
A Spoonful of Shadows- ‘Well Sibling Syndrome’ (neurotribe.uk)

and our Heartsupport Links are

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