Why do i have to get up in the morning?

First of all, thanks for this forum and your streams. Especially the streams help a lot in the darkest times. But for the last, like 1.5 years i can barely get out of bed. And this even started before the pandemic, but it was a catalyst for sure. I dont even know where to start. I dont even know where it started, i dont even know if all of this is just normal and all other people also struggle with it and are just better at covering it up. But, lets begin in my teenage years (i am currently around 30). For most of my life i had the idea of “struggle now and enjoy in the long term” when it came to going out from like 13 onwards. I never realy had any friends in school, they all were more like collegues than friends. People you are forced to be around and vice versa. Around this point, at least in retrospect, i think the thought of “you annoy everyone you are talking to” started to creep up into my mind. But back then i had school to socialiize and the summer break i just enjoyed beeing alone or around family and my brothers friends. This kinda continued until i was 19, at that point a finished school and my social safetly blanked of school broke away. At Uni you dont have classes and have to socialize and find friends youself. And i just cant do that. Cause i think i annoy everyone and i am diagnosed with social anxiety. Its just the worst for me, i get a panic attack just thinking about it. I had to leave my first AND my second university cause i did not meet my self-set minimal goals in terms of sucess (and those were basically just finish a few courses). So i struggled my entire life, just to fail anyway. That was my first low point in life. But somehow, through a lot of alcohol on her side, i somehow managed to get a girlfriend, she pulled my up from the deepest holes i have felt until then. I got a job, pulled my life together and bought my first own apartment. Then, 1.5 years ago she said the sentence i never wanted to hear. “It does not matter what you do, its not enough for me” … and left. I thought to myself “Ok, this sucks, but i have friends to help my through this”. Friends i met while hanging out with her and her friends. And then. One after one. All my friends decided to take her side, not only when it comes to “yeah, i could have done more”, but even not inviting me to anything in fear of pissing her off. They told me that to my face. But on the other hand, my ex always said that we are still friends. But anyway. Thats not even the point. But starting from that point my grandpa died in spring last year, i lost my job in summer, got a worse-payed one in autuum, my last view friends somewhat ghoasted me, one of the few hobbies i acually enjoyed and not just did to pass time, traveling, was made impossible and you could not even meet new people cause everything was closed down. Or at least i thought, cause on my instagram and stuff i could see my (former) friends partying with each other. All of them. And i did not even know that this was planned. My whole universe, my whole life for the past 6 years just started ignoring me like i never existed.

I just needed to check to make sure, but the last person that messaged me first, was back in may. Fucking may. And that was only cause they knew i dont drink alcohol and needed a ride home …

And now i have 2 weeks of payed time off and dont even know why to get up in the morning. Today i got out of bed at 5 … PM. I just feel like i have no reason to do anything.

I dont know what to do, i just feel like an empty shell wandering through life searching for anything, really anthing that makes me feel any positive feeling. But at some point i just want something to make me feel something.


Hi @Superfrank_26

I’m so sorry you are going through this. From what you posted you have really had a tough go of it lately in particular. It sounds like your whole support system has been reduced down and you’ve been going it alone through many changes.

I think you should pause here and think about that. You have been going through it! You are stronger than you are telling yourself you are. It takes strength to acknowledge you are at a low point and still you are trying, you did get a new job, you did try to engage the people in your social circle. It’s not your fault that they feel loyalty to your ex, you can’t change that, but you did try to retain that relationship.

I’ve found personally that I’m also not great at retaining friendships, I’m a bit of an awkward person in real life and I’ve never been able to self audit some behaviors that make others a bit put off. I know it can feel really isolating to be the “odd one out” all the time. I’ve actually found as I’ve stopped trying to fit myself into that social butterfly persona that I am happier. I also find that chasing after artificial friendships is exhausting and does nothing in the long term.

What I have found is that I am great at sharing information about what I’m passionate about. Maybe you could try that as well? Try joining or participating in reddit groups (or other forums or discord) about things you like such as Travel, engage with others who are also passionate about it.

Turn off the local social media,

most people posting on social media are creating an exaggerated picture of how great their life is and it can really make you feel down by comparison. Just remember they are not sharing the boring or unhappy moments that they also have.

Sorry if this has gone on a bit - your post really resounded with me and I’ve felt that way myself many times. I just want you to know you are not alone and you are amazing. You are unique on your own and don’t need to compare against others to be of value.


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