This is a question I’ve asked my self over and over again for over two years. I struggled with self harm in high school, but it was never this bad, and recently it just keeps getting worse, and I have to do it more to even cope, and make myself feel like it’s helping. I just don’t know why I do it. I find myself apologizing telling them, “I’m sorry that I have to hurt myself in order to feel okay.”
I feel so dumb, and I feel like people just don’t understand. When people at work saw the scars on my arm before they used to make jokes and be like oh she was probably an edgy high school girl who cut for attention, or she probably tried to kill herself. And now I’m so self conscious, so I just purposefully burn myself at work, so they just assume oh it’s just a burn. But the other day I got so upset I just kept punching the metal table, and nobody thought anything of it… is that self harm? Tonight I just kept burning myself til I could finally handle the emotional pain, or so I thought, but now I realize it wasn’t enough, and it just makes me want to self harm again, and makes me believe that maybe death is the only option to stop the pain.
Since I’ve been sober from pills (23 days) my urge to self harm has almost become unbearable and my new way to cope, but I hate myself for it, and I feel like it only pushes people away from me farther. I’m sorry for making a post about this… I just don’t know what to do.