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Why Do I Out Of All People Matter? (probably going to get deleted soon)

I hate competitive sports. Not like the ones where you just want to win. The ones with excessive expectations. I do something one time and I win. Then the next time I try I lose and they ask the question: Why did you lose the second time when you won the first time, you must not be trying your best anymore? So then I feel like I should respond, as being the second child, with: Why did you make a worse kid the second time when you made a good one the first time, you must not care? I don’t say that though. But I hate expectations. They break relationships and are against my control. They don’t understand that circumstances change. They tell you that but don’t apply it to themselves. And I can’t escape it. Because one time I failed against my will they told me this: you can’t get away from it, if you want something new we’ll replace it with something similar, with the same expectations. And I wish I could say I’m trying my best even when it doesn’t look like it, but they don’t believe me. It doesn’t LOOK like it. Say it’s replaced with basketball, I have an amazing game, score tons, then play a second game against the same team, and don’t score much. They’d assume I’m not trying. But just because it’s the same team doesn’t mean circumstances don’t change. Say I’m playing baseball and I hit a home run, and then try again the next inning and strike out. Nothing changed. Say they threw the same pitch, same pitcher, same team. But circumstances changed even when it doesn’t seem like it. But they assume I’m not trying. And I hate it. Things can’t be consistent, can you not accept that? Do you have to break relationships over a SPORT?! Why can’t I do something with no expectations like hiking or lifting, or a stupid game of four square. And even if I even brought the idea up of mental disorders, I’d strike hell. They don’t believe it much. My brother has ADHD but it feels like they almost treat him worse! How would me have a “mental disorder” change anything. Mental doesn’t change expectations. But physical does. They haven’t had paralysis, they haven’t had heart disease like I’ve had, they can’t set expectations because they don’t know what to expect. And I need that. I need decreased expectations for improved relationships. Because that is what truly matters. Relationships. My family. I do everything to strengthen my relationship. I show kindness, gratitude, caring, but these stupid expectations are such a roadblock to a perfect relationship with my family. I don’t want physical impairment for anything except relationships. If I can remove this life will be better. I don’t want it. But I need it. So I can get what I want. Emotional happiness. And physical pain is what I need because it gives me freedom, it gives me choice, it gives me change. Well, emotionally. Because relationships are better. They made it clear that they won’t change. So I have to change. Talking won’t work. But why do I matter. I can spend all of time making everyone around me happy, doing service, charity, being friendly and such, but why do I need to care about myself. This luxury and greed doesn’t make me happy. Other people do. But there’s a wall of expectation in front of me. How do I remove it? I just want to be happy okay? How do I convey that, if people around me are to stubborn too accept it. And if people don’t want to take good relationships with me, if I can’t be at the best point with my family, what’s the point of living? No, what’s the point of existing? I know you hate me. Be honest. I’m repetitive, I’m idiotic, I don’t matter. But you do. So care about yourself. Get yourself better. Because you matter. I don’t. And don’t say that I do. That’s insulting. It makes me feel selfish. owo

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First of all, you do matter and I don’t really give a shit if that insults you and that is said with love not anger. Every single person on this support wall matters and deserves to be loved. You are not the exception, period. We all have our own fucked up struggles here and each of us are on different levels, but no one’s problems are “more” than anyone else’s. They are all valid.

I’m sorry that you’re family is being unreasonable, that sucks so much. I don’t know if you can sit them down and talk, but it seems like you need to set them straight. Speak up and tell them how you feel.

You are loved.

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you’ve had heart problems - can you doctor explain to them the link between strain and stress and physical effects?

You’re into sports - can a trainer or a coach talk to them about the effects of pressure and lack of emotional and mental support to the athlete?

If you are certain they won’t change, do you have the option to just… stop playing sports? If the matches bring so much stress and make things worst, can’t you just take a break for a while from it all? Top athletes talk about stress and burnout, it’s not even a thing that’s hidden nowadays.

There’s also therapy, can you get your family together to see someone? It’ll help them understand your performances and then from there. they might understnad what you’re going through more?

Everyone matters here.

And when it comes to advocating for ourselves, when it comes to saying “this is what is best for me, my peace of mind, my growth, my peace”, then the word isn’t ‘selfish’ - its sruvival, it’s existence. It’s self love

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Dear @Swix,

I am sorry that you are hurting today. It sounds that you’ve had your share of pressure put on your shoulders lately, which is enough to feel overwhelmed and somehow “triggered” to the point of walking on a dark path.

I hope that our words here don’t add more to the hurt you are feeling. I get how it is, like so many others, to be so drown in self-hate that acts of care and love directed to us feel like a punch in the stomach, something that makes us nauseous while it shouldn’t. To me, there are times when it really feels like I’m behind a window, seeing someone shouting to me something that is true, but I am unable and/or not allowed to even touch this truth with the tip of my fingers. It hurts. And it hurts even more to be aware that it’s not how it shouldn’t be either. So I end up upset, sad, angry at the world, at others, and at myself. Especially at myself.

If it can’t be real and genuine, then we can protect ourselves, right? We can put a wall and pretend to be happy were we are. To be content with what we have because we would renounce on what could be but seem so far.

You don’t deserve to live behind walls. You don’t deserve to build a thick skin when love feels like a bunch of spikes directed at you. By building trust and through many little steps, embracing the really of genuine, authentic love, is possible. What feels real today doesn’t mean it has to be like this for the rest of our life. If you dig within your heart, I’m sure that living in the resignation of a love you couldn’t have is not something you want. I know you know that. And how hard it is to be honest with ourselves when we are hurting so much. I still belive in you though. I care about you. And that is something that I own, sweet friend, not you. Just like no one else but you can pretend to own how you feel and how you perceive the world around you.

As for your parents, this whole situation really highlights how much communication is needed between all of you. Genuine, authentic, vulnerable communication. One in which you would really express how you feel, regardless of their reaction, because you would do it for you. I know it’s scary, and I know we’ve mentioned that many times. I understand that this idea is likely to make you more uncomfortable each time it is mentioned. But I want you to have a voice. I want your parents to hear what you truly have to say, what’s on your heart really, because you may know someone but you never know how they can be once vullnerability is exposed. Sometimes it is more than enough for someone to have a shock and realize that their behavior was wrong. Sometimes it’s not enough. In both cases, it is the right thing to do, because it is yet another step in learning to be yourself unapologetically, and not being a square that tries to fit in a circle. If your parents have unfair expectations towards you, then it is also unfair to internalize these within you to the point of hurting yourself. They deserve to understand. You deserve to be heard.

I care about you. Without any expectation. Without any pressure on your shoulders. I believe in you and your ability to give yourself a chance in life. To trust others too. But I know it doesn’t happen just in a day. Heck I’m in that process too, and maybe somehow it’s the work of a lifetime. It gets better with time though. It gets better as we learn to be our true selves, as we stop hiding how we feel, as we practice authentic communication and set boundaries with those who don’t understand. It gets better as we learn to trust again.

I’ll share what a dear friend told me once and has always sticked with me, because it is how I feel about you too:
It’s okay to learn to trust others with yourself.
I will keep loving you in the meantime.

:hrtlegolove:

PS - Please don’t delete your post. It deserves to be here. Just like you.

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You are a big ball of energy inside a human suit… We are all experiencing this as well. We are all connected and that is most def what makes you important and matter … you literally are matter. I love you and I don’t even have to know you to have that true love for you. I think you should focus on and ponder upon what actually makes you happy. Visualize it … be there for real. Use you imagination to its fullest. The fact that you say others matter shows me that you indeed matter also. I believe you can dream and create the life you want. It really is worth living in the long run to experience all the ups and downs that make it what it is. I wish you peace and strength in this time and give you my love in hopes that it helps you realize how wonderful you are!

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Thank you firstly for taking the time to spend writing out your feelings and worries. Thank you for being truthful and vulnerable with us.
Expectations can be such a huge burden, especially when it feels like you’re going to let people down.
Truthfully, sometimes it’s actually okay to let people down if it means doing something for your own benefit. It’s not actually being selfish, it’s a bit of self care.
Sometimes people repeat themselves because they’re trying to find the answer, and it actually helps. Whether repeating to yourself or to others, so keep sharing your voice. Let it be heard.
Sometimes there’s the bad kind of repetition. Like the kind of intrusive thoughts that tell you that you’re not loved and you’re not worthy.
I would hate for you to feel hurt from feeling you’re being lied to that people genuinely care for you. I assure you that is not the intention. Just for you to feel safe and valued.

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