I wrote a second one as well. I’ll come back and try again in a little while.
oh okay I will look for it
Okay, I’m going back to your original response to what I wrote, regarding selfishness and what you deserve.
Contrary to what is often believed, a measure of selfishness is evidence of good mental health. If we don’t pay attention to our own needs, we won’t be much good to ourselves or others. Accusations of selfishness are often based on someone wanting you to put their needs ahead of yours.
If you were truly selfish to a fault, you wouldn’t care about what you did or did not deserve.
If a kid has a hard time learning long division, does he deserve to be punished, or have nurturing and support withheld? I know sometimes that happens, but it’s horribly unfair. When after considerable effort, someone reaches a goal, it makes sense to say that person deserves the benefit of having reached that goal. While working towards a goal, is it reasonable to say you don’t deserve it because you haven’t reached it? If you decide that you deserve to live in a clean house, are you going to tell yourself that you don’t deserve a clean house because you haven’t cleaned it yet?
You deserve a clean house, even if you haven’t cleaned it yet. You deserve your supper, even if you haven’t mastered long division. You are a work in progress, just like the rest of us. You deserve the time, understanding and support necessary to help you reach your goal, whether it’s changing personal habits, learning something, or succeeding in whatever way you want. You deserve happiness and fulfillment, even if you’re not there yet.
You cared enough to reach out and ask for answers. For that reason, you deserve our best effort in answering them.
I thought about the nature versus nurture debate today, and I came up with a crude analogy that might be useful here.
Think about having a nice Mercedes, but it won’t run. Someone has tried to use swamp water as fuel. Some would assume that because it’s not functional, it’s not worth very much. Others might investigate the cause, and do something about it. When the fuel is replaced the car runs well. Did the actual value of the car change, whether it was running or not?
To compare a human to Mercedes sounds like a stretch, but our body and brain function as a biological machine, manifested by nature. A lot of people believe that we are products of our environment. In reality, we are products of both nature and environment.
So, here we are, DNA mediated biological machines, and for this analogy can think of ourselves as a “sentient Mercedes.” The environment, which includes parents, culture, peer influence etc., can be thought of as our “fuel.”
The problem is, so many of us are given crappy “fuel,” in the form of dysfunctional family interactions, inept teachers, parents and peers who really aren’t able to teach a decent set of values, among other things. Then we are expected to perform as though we have been given top-quality fuel. When we fail to meet these unreasonable expectations, we are conditioned to feel ashamed and guilty. As a result, we judge ourselves harshly and lose confidence.
It doesn’t do much good to blame anyone for not receiving adequate nurturing. It’s more important to let go of debilitating beliefs about ourselves.
In your case, it’s the belief that you are unable to change, also that you’re too selfish. Neither thing is true. Those thoughts are a result of having received “bad fuel.”
Hang around here for a while, and you will probably receive some of the high octane stuff.
thank you for taking the time to continue to message me and to write out such long response’s