Why does anyone care?

I’m reposting this to an extent, I got scared and confused. I don’t know if anyone one cared enough so had it removed the first time.
Today marks 90 days abstinent from alcohol and drugs, yet over the past 2 weeks I’ve had nothing but constant suicidal thoughts and the urge to start using again. Last night I poured out a glass of wine and sat with it tempting me for a good 10-15 minutes, I got so close to throwing away everything just for 1 drink.
My obsession with suicide is at a point where it just isn’t normal anymore - but I can’t check myself in to a hospital even if I wanted to, because who knows how much more abuse it would cause from my father? They don’t even know I’m back in therapy because they think it’s stupid. For a while I’ve been letting the guy who assaulted me get inside my head and control me. He told me he was the only person who could ever love me after what I let him do to me and I believed him to the point I was allowing myself to have nightmares of the 2 people I love the most physically and mentally hurting me, not keeping me prisoner. I know they wouldn’t ever even dream of doing that, but I allowed that nightmare to happen anyway. I finally blocked him and completely removed all traces from my phone so I can’t remove the block, but I’m still terrified.
I don’t know if I want to die or if I just want this constant emotional pain I’m in to stop. I’m struggling to see another way out of all of this without having to burden the people around me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m out of ideas. I don’t have any fight left in me for this battle.

Hold fast guys.
Kayla

I care. I am glad to hear you’re still abstinent. I’m glad to hear you are still here. Sorry I don’t have any answers or ideas to offer at the moment. But hang in there. I’m sure they will come when you least expect it from a place you never saw coming.

What’s interesting is you mention the word: “burden”
Burden isn’t actually defined by the person being carried. It’s defined by the person carrying the load. Because a “Burden” implies “too much, too heavy”. And the only person that can make that judgment call is the person doing the carrying, because they are the only ones aware of their own capacity and strength.
You don’t get to make that call for others.
The people who are supporting you don’t call you a burden.
You are not too much, you are not too heavy.
And they will continue to support you through this storm.
But it will end. It will.
And on the other side, you’ll be stronger, capable enough to carry others just like you are being carried.
And then you will tell them, just as I’m telling you: You are not too much. You are not too heavy.

Hi Kayla,
There is still purpose for you life. You are not and never will be a burden. Not to anyone. There are people in your life who truly love and care for you.
I know what it feels like i feel that way. Just that feeling of “I’m a burden to others” It sucks but the legit truth is that you’re not a burden. I promise you.
Personally for me, God has helped me a lot in making me new. The process wasn’t easy and i still struggle but it’s not as bad as it was before. the best i can say is that there is God who wants to carry your burdens and fight your battles for you. It’s hard to trust Him to that, but when we do, it’s pretty amazing.
Keep going, you’re doing great. And remember, it’s not about how many times we fall, but how many times we get back up.

Hi There Kayla,

I’m glad you’re fighting to abstain from alcohol as an escape from the terror you’re facing. That alone is progress. Take pride in that, and remember to take small steps. Making large steps too soon brings the risk of stumbling over when you shouldn’t have to.

The nightmares you’re facing, truthfully, may never end. But what matters is to endure them, so you can fight to push past the terrors. Sooner or later, you’ll find yourself in a healthier place where the nightmares’ painful grips on you will subside.

Everyone here and myself know you’ve got the strength to do just that, and we believe in you.

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First of all Kayla I appreciate you sharing this, it can take a lot to open up and admit we are not feeling well. And to stare at your past (The wine and your abuser) and to say “No.” takes even more strength. I for one care about you and celebrate these victories, and encourage you to stay strong. I know it will get better.