Why does this always happen to ME

From jarudingus_17226: Every single time, why do I have to go through hell. When born, I was raised by parents who hated me for every fucking thing. My mother, especially, wanted a girl and got me. So she raised and tortured me to be the girl she wanted me to be. Both of my parents physically tortured me; breaking bottles of gin, snapping brooms on my back, etc. Other days, they would starve me, refusing to give me food for days.

When my sister was born, things at home were hectic. They always had issues: marital, financial, family, and I was forced to raise my sister on my own accord. Notably, I was very young at this point in time. I would bathe her, change her nappies, feed her, etc. Yet I was never given appreciation, only retaliation. Physically, especially from my father, I was beaten to hell’s end for no mistake of my own, all while my mother insulted me, telling me I should have been aborted. They would both shame me in front of their friends, both verbally and physically.

I took all of this anger out on my sister. I hit her, only excusable due to my incredibly fragile hands at that age. I had no other friends, equal parts because of my parents, the fact that I was actually male, and my complete lack of social skills (I would later learn of my autism). When 11, I would finally have a “friend” (forced by their parents ofc), I would watch them die the next year. Death has always been a close acquaintance of mine, my mother dying of a life threatening condtition, while also attempting multiple times to take her life, one when I was 13 and the other when I was 14. Repeated threats of her suicide still continue as my parents marriage gets worse. (1/2)

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From jarudingus_17226: Things became even worse as I aged. Bullying was and is a major concern, which led to me becoming severely injured. Thanks to my autism, which at that point was undiagnosed, I was and still am on the verge of expulsion. Expectations from family members have gotten worse, and at this point I loose all emotion.

This time, I make the mistakes, sexually assaulting a female in my class, one year my elder. This got to the point she was contemplating ending her life, after my multiple threats to be silent. She eventually left the school, and I was filled with regret. I also played a part in a fellow student’s attempted suicide, and while they didn’t die, they are severely injured.

My years being raised as a female, to the point of having no male interactions until 13, finally kicked in. Though this process had long “ended”, with me now being a mix of both my parents wants- unisex clothes, having no relationships (platonic and otherwise) and showing no emotion. Now very recently, I have learnt of my autism, yet this doesn’t deter my school’s efforts to kick me out. I am inside of a selective school, and being kicked out is basically game over here. On top of that, due to me being raised as female, I feel extremely uncomfortable with my body and have a strong urge to be female.

All this however, is locked away due to the pain I feel, from this one incident. I don’t know how long it’s happened for, but I saw a “family member” who I will not name, molesting my sister. It was appalling, and my sister lacks the knowledge on what is happneing. Threats keep us silent. I stopped harming my sister a while after she was hospitalized, or at least I try to, and my parents have always been the only person I thought could ever do something horrendous to her. But this, it hurts, knowing I raised her, and her innocence hurts more.

From jarudingus_17226: I’m haunted by the past, too scared to move forward and I am too much of a coward to deal with the present. What do I even do anymore?

Hello there jarudingus,

Wow, it sounds like you’ve been through and continue to go through an incredible amount of pain, both physical and mental. The violent conduct you’ve been experiencing is unacceptable and I can only imagine all the upset, uncertainty, and turmoil this may cause. It also sounds like you’ve experienced significant loss at such a young age, and I wish to offer all the condolences I can – that’s incredibly tough. The difficulties you’ve experienced with building relationships given your parents’ expectations of you and this lack of a support system would just all make matters that much more challenging.

I know you’ve mentioned challenges with gender and differing expectations from your parents, which would just add to the incredible challenges that you’re already experiencing. It’s a lot when we have expectations placed upon us, especially in personal parts of our life such as gender. It sounds like these struggles and conflicts related to gender identity have been significant and I can only imagine all the pain and frustration of experiencing these conflicting expectations.

I also know you mention making some serious mistakes, from harming your sister to assaulting someone from your school. With that said, I’m glad to hear you recognizing that this conduct is not acceptable and that you’re trying to do better for your sister. Your past doesn’t define you. While you have messed up before, all we can do is learn from those situations and continue looking forward at how we’ll do better in the future. And I know, sometimes there’s too much going on to deal with thinking about the future and we just need to stay in the present. That’s okay too.

Speaking of your sister, it takes a ton of energy to raise someone, and I’m impressed by all the responsibility and efforts that you’ve put into this. It’s tough to do all that work thanklessly, especially under the threat of physical violence and I understand how exhausting this could feel. You are an incredibly resilient individual.

I know you end your post by asking the question of what to do now – how to move forward. Honestly, I can’t answer that question for you. If you’re able to seek care (e.g., therapist, school counselor), they may be able to provide advice, but, in the meantime, I’d just try to continue taking things one day at a time and practice good self-care as best you can (e.g., taking breaks, doing things you enjoy, sleeping, etc). It’s understandable that you’d be haunted and scared considering all that’s going on and – given these circumstances – it isn’t cowardly to be nervous about, well, everything.

We’re here for you and I hope you continue to share anything on your mind. Thank you for being here and for trusting us with your story.
-Tuna

PS: If you need it at any point, now or in the future, remember that professional resources are also available to you. For mental health crisis, here’s a list of resources: Crisis Resources | HeartSupport. And if you or someone you know is in imminent danger (e.g., violence, suicide attempt, etc), emergency services are also an option.

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From blox5680: Honestly I don’t know what to say I’m just very sorry for you and hope you get better

From blox5680: Sorry man, honestly wished I could say more