Why even try anymore (update)

-updated in replies-

Hi,

This turned out to be a lot more extensive than I had anticipated, but it felt wrong to stop writing, so yeah… It’s a lot, and if nobody wants to read all this shit, I completely understand.

So, here goes nothing I guess…

Early years
I grew up in a “normal” family and, other than me being overweight and having low self esteem, I think I had a pretty normal childhood.

Going to high school, being overweight, shy and overly self-consious started becoming problems. I had difficulties making contact with other people and had a hard time trying to act like they did. Because of this I went to a psychologist for the first time at about 12 years old. I don’t remember if this helped at all, but I don’t believe so.

Puberty
I grew up not getting along with most people, also having an aversion to authority and society. I was however lucky enough to have a couple of good friends. Of course, being the way I was, I also struggled with getting in contact with girls. This let to me getting very desperate and feeling left out. I was not happy and suffered frequent outburst of rage (usually in private). Also I was very introverted, thinking too much about pretty much everything and unable to control my thoughts.

When I was about 16 a girl somehow was interested in me and we ended up together for the following 4 years. She had her fair share of issues, but maybe that also made me like her. We ended up in the same class and we did basically everything together, to thepoint of neglecting other friendships and school. I loved her intensely and felt like we would be together forever.

School itself was not going too well. Initially school was really easy for me and I never really did homework or had to study to pass. Untill well, I just did litteraly nothing anymore. At that point I skipped a lot of classes and failed a year. After that I finished everything with absolute minimim effort.

In the second half of high school I smoked my first joint. This was a terrible experience and I ended up getting sick and puking. After that I didn’t smoke weed for about a year, before trying it again. That second time is probably one of the worst mistakes of my life. It turned out weed actually stopped my brain from going a milion miles an hour and had peace and quiet in my brain, which I had never experienced before. At the end of middle school, at about 18, I smoked weed daily, but managed to finish school none the less. After this I continued to smoke more and more weed, until it became the first thing I did when I woke up till the last thing before bed. I got different “friends” and got alienated from everyone else. At this point I started seeing my girlfriend less and less, because I couldn’t smoke being with her. Weed became everything there was in my life and everything else became a nuicanse. She, of course, noticed this and eventually let me smoke weed at her parents house, just because I was a giant dickhead if I wasn’t stoned. Obviously this ended up not working out. At some point I felt she was only in the way and I wanted out. So I got out, which I think was the worst mistake of my life.

After the breakup
With the time passing I ended up regretting breaking up with her more and more, but at that time she had moved on. I desperately tried to stay in touch with her while she was dating other people, this probably scarred me for life. One evenening I was messaging with her when she was on a date with another guy for the first time and she decided to “go with him”. I’m still not sure why, but that night I cut my leg several times with a razorblade. A good while later there was a point where we were close to getting back together, but it didn’t work out and just made things worse. During this time I only ever saw my new “weed-friends” occasionally. Most of the time I was either stoned at my parents house or pretending to go to college, while actually smoking weed in my car. At this point I was enlisted in college, just to be able to get a student-loan to cover my addiction. I never actually set foot in school that year. Because of this I still have a huge debt, and no degree.

Addiction
I somehow managed to keep up this lifestyle until I was 24. During this period I tried to get help, but was not able to get the help I needed. I had regular suicidal thoughts and gave up on life getting any better. I think me not wanting to hurt my parents and siblings is the only thing that deterred me from just ending it.

My mom knew about my addiction and struggles and she eventually found a rehab facility, for which I would go to the other side of the world, that was covered by my healtcare insurance. Somewhat sceptical I agreed to make an appointment there to see if this might be a way out. After the first interview I decided to take this opportunity, so my parents decided to pay for my plane-ticket and I went to the other side of te world on my own. This was also the first time a did any noteworthy travelling, so this was scary as fuck. The day before I spent my last money on as much weed as I could smoke in a day and pulled through the night on my own. This meant I got to sleep most for most of the 12 hour flight, which I think was a good thing.

Rehab
The first days there were just a haze. There were about 30 patients at the facility which was also pretty overwhelming. To my surprise I did actually get used to it quite easily and I started feeling better. I started working out and walking every morning, which was hard at the start, being overweight, but I feel this helped a lot. Therapy was mostly based on the 12-step program, which does not suit me. I don’t believe in a higher power, at all. So I kind of worked my way around that and attended group sessions, individual sessions and NA meetings. Hearing other people’s stories helped putting things in perspective, but also left me struggling for reason. Without exeption, everyone had gone through some kind of trauma, grew up in bad surroundings or had other clear reasons for being addicted. I didn’t have any of that. As I wrote before, I believe I had a pretty normal childhood and never experienced abuse or anything like that. Still, being away from my own life, living healthy and feeling accepted helped me immensely. I started feeling there was a way out and began to see some perspective in life. At the end of my treatment I decided to travel for a couple of days on my own, before I went back home. Those days are among the best days of my life and I was actually proud to have done this on my own. It’s probably the best I’ve ever felt.

Back Home
After 2,5 months I returned home, having lost close to 20kg’s and feeling good. I felt great getting to show my family how much I had changed. I got back in touch with my old friends (from high school) and we actually became friends again. I still feel incredibly lucky for having them.

During the first two years I still had weekly appointments with psychologists, because even though I stayed clean, I struggled with life and was unhappy.

Eventually I managed to get a part-time callcenter job (where I had worked before), which was pretty much a drag, but I met a lot of nice people there and got a promotion quite fast. I didn’t mind the job too much, but I struggled greatly with getting there on time every day and not slacking off. I’m honestly lucky to not have been fired from that job, because I should have been.

After about 2,5 years I got the opportunity to apply for an office job, which I got (by pure luck). This meant I had to get a degree, which was paid for, and I would work for 3 days each week while having 1 day of school and one day to study. The first year went by easily, I didn’t have to spend too much time studying and got good grades, despite skipping a lot of classes. During the second year things took a turn for the worst. At this point I actually had to put in effort, which I couldn’t do, I had trouble focussing my brain and didn’t get anything done. This led to me giving up, again. I got into my natural defense of ignoring everything. I didn’t go to school or work anymore. My supervisor picked up on this and instead of firing me, he really tried to help me. He turned me in sick for 50% to get things sorted, believing I was having Burn-out like problems. I then went back to get professional help, which was kind of in vein, because I already knew all the things they had to tell me, I just could not get myself to change.

Following these sessions I had a “psychoneurological” exam. The diagnosis was a mild form of autism, which resonates most with Asperger’s. I also have a 140+ IQ, which is probably why it wasn’t discovered earlier. I knew what was expected from me and just imitated other people to seem normal I guess.

Prior to this exam I always thought I had ADD and during my struggles at school I asked a friend that uses Dexamfetamine, if I could try that to see if it had any effect. It turns out it did, I was able to somewhat focus my thoughts and create some order in the chaos.

After the diagnosis I told this to my psychiatrist and asked if he could prescribe me Dexamfetamine too. He did this and it helped quite a bit. After a while I picked up work full-time again and finished my study without too much trouble. After that I got a “permanent contract” and I was able to buy an apartment so I could finally live on my own. It needed quite a lot of work, but I didn’t mind that. I felt good at this time and I seemed to be progressing in life.

After some months things got bad again. Despite clearly asking about the sound-proofing of the apartment, it turns out I can hear literally everything my upstairs neighbors do. The worst part of it is the walking, it resonates through everything and even wakes me up several times a week. I’m probably more sensitive to this because of my autism, but it drives me up the fucking walls. This led to another downwards spiral. I have extreme problems sleeping (I always struggled getting to sleep, but this made it a lot worse), can’t get any rest and constantly feel burned out. The remodeling also didn’t go according to plan, so now, 2 years later, it’s still unfinished. I only have a small room with my PC, a desk and deskchair and a bedroom which is a mess because I’m working on the living room. Also I slept on just mattrass for 2 years now. I now do have a functioning kitchen, but haven’t been able to use my living room yet. Feeling burnt-out pretty much the entire time makes me unable to keep going with the remodeling, which I really need to do.

Things at work aren’t going well either. The work I do is too simple, so there’s not much of a challenge. On top of that I’m helping people with way higher pay-grades than me daily and I have no opportunity to get higher other than to get another degree, which I would have to pay for myself and I would have to do next to a 40-hours a week job. This doesn’t seem too viable right now. Also I cant actually afford it, because I basically struggle to make ends meet every month.

I think about 9 months ago, I made the (subconsious?) desicion to just give up. No matter what way I looked at things, I couldn’t see a future that is worth living to me. I honestly would have like to just die and finally stop having to worry about everything. Again, because of my family, I couldn’t get myself to do it, so instead I started ignoring everything again, thinking that if everything would go to shit, I could still just kill mystelf after all.

I did go to my hometown doctor, mostly because other people told me to. I told him that I don’t think actual intense therapy would be of any use at this point, because I had that for so many years and I do not have the will or energy for that to help right now. He did put me throught to someone, but that turned out to be useless, so I gave up on that too.

So here I am, having a shit time at home, having a shit time at work, being tired all the time, unable to see enough good things in my future to keep going. Not having had a girlfriend in over 10 years, or having any romantic contacts for that matter. Thinking I am unable to fall in love again, if I would even ever meet someone I like, because well, I do think most people are retards and usually the people that might be interesting are taken by now.

Change?
Then, a couple of weeks ago. Two former colleagues contacted me, asking me to have dinner with them as we did a couple of times before. So we did last Friday. We got into some deep conversations and ended up talking through the night, before going home at 7 in the morning. When I woke up that morning (after 3 hours of sleep, thanks neighbors) I felt, well fucking weird… I couldn’t really place it, for I have trouble recognizing feeling. I felt strangely good, but at the same time very anxious and uneasy. So as it turns out I fell in love with the girl from last night, who I have (shallowly) known for almost 5 years. It makes total sense, because she is fucking amazing in every way, but I really didn’t want this to happen. I don’t think there is any way this is going to lead to anything and I feel like I’m going to just be dissapointed and hurt again.

On the other hand I can’t remember feeling this good in fucking forever, which is incredible but also weird and terrifying. I went to work today, but got nothing done at all, I can’t stop thinking about it. I have absolutely no fucking idea what to do with myself now. On the one hand, I think she could be the reason for me to pick myself up again and I strangely also have energy and look forward to working on myself now. On the other hand, I think the chance of her feeling even remotely the same is basically nonexistent and I’m afraid this will lead to me being worse off than before… If that’s even possible.

Thanks to anyone for even reading this.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

1 Like

Hey friend,

Thanks for being so open about your story, struggles, and successes; I’m glad you wrote it all out and didn’t stop yourself even though what you wrote was longer than you expected.

I relate to just barely skating through high school, I barely graduated from a sheer lack of motivation to do anything I had previously wanted to do. You’ve been through a lot and you’ve overcome some pretty tough obstacles along the way, so you can take confidence in knowing you can survive a lot.

Deep conversations and friendships can be really scary and anxiety-inducing, I completely relate to that. One piece of advice I have here about the girl you love: keep investing in the relationship you already have with her. If she was interested enough in spending time with you that she stayed up until 7 in the morning, even if it was with another person as well, she is interested in investing in you as a friend at the very least.

My boyfriend and I were very close friends for a year and a half before I realized I loved him, and the whole time he loved me but never thought I would feel the same way. There’s no guarantee your friendship with her will turn into a romantic relationship, but I would go with the flow for now and keep spending time with her (and the other colleague as well). Close, vulnerable, loving friendships are hard to come by and have the power to be one of the most healing things in the world.

Hang on, and keep pursuing this new change in your life. You’ve got a resilient spirit, and I know that will help you get through to better times that may be just around the corner.

Hold fast,
-Amanda

1 Like

Hey @Sack,

Thank you so much for taking the time to type out your journey and for allowing us to come along for the ride!

I was on a roller coaster of emotions while reading your post, jotting down thoughts or advice but then later scratching them out because you had addressed what I was planning to say.

First off, I’m really proud of you for choosing to battle with your addiction to weed by realizing you had a problem and that it needed fixing. I have a few friends back in California (I moved to Nashville in 2015) who still haven’t searched for help and are stuck in the never-ending spiral of smoking on the daily. Heck, 8 years ago upon graduating high school, one of them wanted to be a pediatrician, and it hurts to still see him bouncing around community colleges and working at a local CVS; essentially giving up on life. All-in-all, I’m glad to hear that you’re fighting back.

Is moving out an option, or moving to a different room? Sometimes apartment managers are lenient on residents who want to stay within the parameters but want to change rooms (and not charging a fee for technically breaking a contract). Or, have you politely talked to the people upstairs about keeping it down? Sleep is essential and I, too, get really frustrated when I don’t get enough sleep (I take a while to fall asleep, can’t stay asleep, and my body wakes up early for no reason).

I’m a little confused because I think I remember reading that your job would help pay for school? What’re your thoughts of taking the less expensive route of community college for 2 years and then a university for the other 2 years? Sometimes jobs take experience over education anyway - if your job favors that, make sure to prove your worth while clocked in.

It’s unfortunately very common for people to fall into a deep state of apathy, being unsure of the future and not seeing a point in continuing to push forward. Heck, I’m seeing a counselor right now about a similar issue. Also similarly to you, my close network of friends and family have been the ones to keep me off the edge during severely dark times. Keep holding onto them because the last thing you’d want to do is to inflict a lifelong sting into their hearts by doing something to yourself.

I wouldn’t write it off so soon. You know your relationship with her better than I do, but have you asked her out for coffee? It always starts there. It can be a little intimidating having one-on-one time with someone where there’s nothing to do but just talking, but practice makes perfect.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps! :slight_smile: Thanks again for sharing.

-Eric

1 Like

@Sun_is_rising Thanks for your reply!

I’m glad it turned out well for you!

For me, they did not unfortunately…

@Eric First off, thanks for the extensive reply! It means a lot.

To answer your questions:

I wish it was… Unfortunately I bought the apartment, so the only thing I can really do right now, is sell it and look for something to rent, which I can’t actually afford atm.

I should have, but I didn’t yet. What I did do and should not have, is shout and get angry (not to their faces). And to be honest, I don’t really think they are doing anything out of line, the complex is just extremely noisy.

I understand it’s a little confusing. For my current job I needed an Associate Degree (2 years), at that time the regulations were different and my employer paid for it. If I want to go higher up, I’d need a Bachelor’s degree, which I’d have to do on my own. In my case, it doesn’t help that my “supervisor” is completely useless and dumb. She can’t comprehend the work I do, so she can’t judge it quality-wise. She only sees me fucking up with scheduling and not making deadlines on occasion, which is probably my biggest weakness.

Also, I live in Europe, so no such thing as community college I’m afraid.

I agree, it just fucking sucks that they are starting to actually feel like a burden. A lot of times I just wished I could end it without anyone caring.

Yeah, I tried that, it did not turn out well… But hey, it was nice to have a good week for a change, now Back to the pit…

It did a bit, Thank you!

-Update-

So, last Saturday I decided to message her and asked her if she would like to have a drink that weekend. She did not reply to this, so I got really anxious this week. Today I decided to contact her through a messaging system we use at work. It turns out she dropped her phone in the water, so she had not received my message.

At that point I decided to ask her again. She said she didn’t know yet, because with her phone, she lost her calendar. Immediately afterwards she asked me if this would be a just-friends thing, or like a date. Of course I didn’t know how to answer, but I told her I would be lying if I said wouldn’t like it to be a date, but that most of all, I want to have a 1-on-1 conversation with her, without any expectations or obligations.

She made it very clear that she does not see me that way, so I asked if this also meant that having a drink as friends was no longer a possibility. She said she didn’t know yet, but that this is a possibility. This was the end of the workday, so she had to head off by then…

So, a lot of good this has gotten me again. I feel terrible and I probably also lost a friendship I held dearly. Ugh, I just want to break something right now and get stoned till I pass the fuck out. But of course that isn’t an option… Guess I’ll just try to keep on hanging on with this abomination of a life.

Why did I even try…ugh