Why even try

[echo]

Ten minutes ago I was sound asleep after having cried all night before. It’s 11am and I fell asleep around 9 or 10am. I woke to my mother screaming at me at the top of her lungs and slamming doors and everything then going into my room (it’s too hot for me to sleep in there) and yelling asking for a brush??? Then she starts screaming about how it’s terrible in my room and I shouldn’t have any trash (water bottles scattered everywhere is all) and is yelling at me at the top of her lungs to clean it all up today because she’s “sick of it”. Once I have her her brush she just went on the phone and smiled and asked the foster mom with my nephew if her daughter wanted any gifts(???) after she just got done screaming at me. I’m practically her emotional punching bag. I’d honestly prefer it if she actually hit me instead. In my head, that lasts a lot less longer than her screaming.

I wrote a note this morning describing my depression and why I think I have it to her this morning and she never got around to reading it. Figures… I don’t know why I even wrote it. Not like she’d ever give a fuck about me… So I crumbled it up and now i’m probably going to burn it. I don’t know why i’m saying all of this here but I was crying my head off and talking to myself and I didn’t know what else to do so here I am. Thanks for reading this stupid stupid thing I guess…

[yourtherapist]

I’m sorry about what’s happening to you right now. I almost cried while reading your post. I think you should just leave your mom and never come back. Once you are far away, I think you should follow your gut on what to do next.

[Micro]

Hey @echo,

I’m so sorry to read about what happened… This is not stupid at all. You can share or vent whenever you need to. There’s absolutely no limit for that.

The situation you describe hits home. And it breaks my heart. I don’t know how is your relationship with your mom precisely, nor if this kind of behavior has been going on for a long time. But I hear your frustration, and your pain. When I grew up, my mom was very toxic and abusive. She would often have those two different faces and attitudes whether she would talk to me - or my siblings - and other people, including my dad. She would be violent, aggressive, and right after she would be the sweetest person on Earth. Even with the cat. I guess she was trying to keep up appearances most of the time. But for me seeing this felt like a double sentence.

It’s heartbreaking, and I’m sorry you’ve been in this situation. That you’ve been feeling like your her punching bad. But I’m also glad she doesn’t hurt you physically. It wouldn’t be better at all. But I understand why you feel like this. Just keep in mind that the problem is the situation, not you, okay?

Again, I don’t know if this happen regularly or not. But I hope that, somehow, you’ll both find a way to have a better relationship. Sometimes it requires to live by yourself so everyone can have their own private space. But it’s not always an option and you may be too young. Sometimes it also goes along with a respectful communication. And you actually did the right thing by reading this letter, at least in my opinion. First, because it helps you, to describe how you feel, to understand it and to express yourself. But also, because writing can be an effective way to communicate with our family.

Maybe she didn’t read it this time. But it doesn’t mean you’d have to give up on this idea. Communication and being open about how we feel is difficult though… You’ve been very strong by doing this! Really. And, in the end I’m glad you have the Support Wall where you can about what’s going on. But I also hope, with all my heart, that you and your mom will find ways to communicate in a more respectful way, so you could both progress together.

Don’t forget that, despite all of this, you are loved friend. This doesn’t condition who you are. Your mom’s behavior doesn’t define you. We see you here. And we love you.

I hope today will be a relaxing day to you. Hope you’ll find some restoration in your heart.
Sending tons of hugs your way.