Why i am broken

look guys i have a lot on my mind. feel free to ignore this it’s a long read.
For the first three years of my life, I don’t remember anything
My father was my abuser for the first twelve years of my life. Rape, as well as physical and mental abuse.There is child porn of me floating around somewhere. I won’t go too into details but I was fucked… literally. child porn rings, and straight up rape. at some point i started selling my body.
I was nine when I first thought about killing myself.
My parents got divorced, I thought this abuse followed me everywhere.
My father abused me, my mother was never home. I entertained this thought for a long time.a few years later I disclosed this abuse to my then-stepmom. She locked me in the basement and didnt let me out for almost 4 hours, and called the cops. I was interviewed by cop after cop.
Eventually the courtrooms psyche said I had significantly deep trauma and suggested I got into therapy. There court set me up with “the best therapist in the county” and I attempted to cope. had a highly abusive boyfriend. Then another, then another.
Therapist told me everything is my fault. my rape was my fault. and I asked for it. Oh god I wanted to fucking kill myself. There self harm started. If I caused a rape, even my own, I didn’t deserve to be alive. But yet, I couldn’t die. i started starving myself.
she told me that i wasnt really queer and that i wasnt really abused. my entire existence and identity was a lie.
gay conversion therapy was a fresh hell. i mean women are so soft and pretty and funny, their hands fit perfectly within yours and you just want to cuddle and kiss them and i love them, but the internalized homophobia from the attempts to beat the gay out of me just makes it so hard to look at a beautiful woman like my lovely friend Cierrah and not feel wrong for thinking she is absolutely beautiful. it has permenantly ruined me because my pansexual ass likes women but my terrified to be gay traumatized “little self” thinks thats bad and gets us hurt. crushes on women hurt. it’s a vital part of me and it hurts.
my mother ended up with custody of me and continued to pick drugs over her children and i sold my body to raise her kids and pay rent. i ended up an alcoholic by middle school between partying with my mother and selling myself in the slums to people almost twice my age. i ended up raising myself and my younger siblings.
when i turned 16 i stopped drinking and got a real job but i relapsed hard. i went on a bender, and my grades dropped. i spent a year with no motivation. i turned 17 and lost motivation for everything. relapsed hard on the few months i had been clean… i crashed hard and just barely graduated.
the summer after i turned 18 i was homeless. i lived on my best friends floor for almost 2 months. he was amazing about it because he’s a good person.
things got better from there, i moved in with my loving boyfriend, and my kick ass job started giving me more hours. i was no longer starving on my friend’s couch,
so now that i’m stable my brain keeps giving me repressed memories. i’m breaking over and over again and hurting everyone i get close to because im not stable.
everything hurts and im broken.
thanks for giving me a place to vent, much love heartsupport

Hi friend,
I’m praying for you during this rough time.Just know it’s okay to not be or feel okay. Try reaching out to someone you can really trust. Everything will be okay. Your past does not define you. You are a wonderful human being. You are loved, worthy, and always, always more than enough. I also recommend checking out some of the blogs or videos that Heart Support puts out.
Hold fast, i believe in you friend. It will all be okay.
God bless.

Phew, talk about a story man…you’ve got so many pieces you’re trying to pick up, and it feels like for the most part, throughout your life, you’ve had to pick them up alone…and when you’ve gotten help, half the time it causes more damage than good, and you’ve seldom found places that are safe from people who just genuinely want to love you…there’s so much from your past that just feels so permanently broken, stolen, or lost…in a lot of ways, you feel like you’re fighting against the impossible…but also, that’s kind of been the theme of your life, surviving in spite of the shit people have put you through…you making it through is almost a huge middle finger to everyone who’s hurt you or shut you down in the past…so now, it feels like you’re in a rhythm of surviving, and you’re looking at – how do I more than just survive…how do I get to a place where I can love myself and love my life and not be so dependent on things to just take away the pain? Is THAT even possible? And if so, how do I do it? Who can I trust? You’ve got so many questions and desires but don’t really know where to start, so you keep moving forward, quietly wishing that you’ll find those answers somewhere along the way.

Well, just so you know, friend, I believe in you. You are a fighter. You are a survivor. But now you’re looking for a rescue…of your heart…so it can be healed…and I believe it can. I’ll hold hope with you. Thank you for sharing and for believing in better for yourself. I am proud of all you’ve been through and all you had to do to make it here.