Why I’m Still Mad: Some Facts

My older brother (let’s call him Brother 1) is turning 35 years old this October (2021) and he lives in my mother’s basement. From about Oct. 2019-Oct. 2020 he paid absolutely no rent whatsoever. At some point, he moved his rude GF into the basement. Still no rent. Then my father passed away in June 2020. After a few months later, I convinced my mom to finally start charging these two adults in her basement rent.

So now, (Brother 1) and his GF pay only $300 rent for both of them to live in the basement. (The GF works from home so she has a whole office set up in the main room, plus they have a bedroom with a walk-in closet and a full ensuite bathroom). So just to recap, that is $150 per grown adult with a full-time job living in a retired woman’s basement who just lost her husband. My mom thinks she is “taking care” of them, my brother thinks he is “taking care” of my mother, meanwhile the house is a mess and he is bleeding her financially. My mom also pays for all of the utilities, Internet, cable and groceries for the house. I know my mom enjoys not living alone right now, which is why I think she allows this to continue. But I think (Brother 1) should be able to keep her company and pay his fair share?

My oldest brother (let’s call him Brother 2) lives in B.C., and he doesn’t seem to think that money is an issue when I try and discuss this with him. (Brother 2) says that mom has a lot of money, and not to worry. But, I still think that as an adult (Brother 1) should pay his fair share. If mom is so rich, and with that mentality, why don’t we all just leech off Mom? Oh yeah, because it’s not right!

Furthermore, I am still furious that (Brother 1) called me “a fucking cunt” during a text message argument a few months ago. Trust me, I did not deserve it. I wish my family would clearly state to (Brother 1) that they are not okay with him calling me a cunt. They say that they have tried before, but (Brother 1) just gets angry and defensive of his actions and starts yelling. (Brother 2) hung up on (Brother 1) instead of trying to have a conversation or argument about it. My mom can’t deal with this bullshit right now, and she shouldn’t have to, she just lost her husband. She says that she wants to stay out of adult children’s quarrels (but she still refuses to treat (Brother 1) like an actual adult, it’s so frustrating).

It would be nice if people stopped enabling (Brother 1), his anger and his behaviour. When (Brother 1) has a hissy fit when you tell him not to call his little sister a “fucking cunt”, then perhaps stop talking to him or hanging out with him, or supporting him financially? Maybe then he will get the message that we are not okay with this type of language and behaviour. Why is everyone so scared of him? Because he is so angry all the time?

When I asked (Brother 2) if things would be different if (Brother 1) called his own wife (let’s call her Susan) a fucking cunt, and he indicated that yes, his reaction would be different in that case. That really sucks, I wish he would stick up for me the same way he would stick up for his wife.

Another random fact, there have been about three or more bats in my mother’s basement this summer because of (Brother 1) and his GF. Just close the fucking door, it’s not that difficult. Last year they had a pile of laundry with I don’t even know what in the closet, to the point where bugs started breeding in their mess of a closet. So last summer it was larva in the bedroom, and this summer it is bats in the back room (presumably shitting on things).

Also, my mom wrote in an email to me that she thinks (Brother 1’s) girlfriend has a histrionic personality disorder. This conversation was triggered because the GF exhibited some really disrespectful behaviour after our father’s death (which is what started the argument with my brother and I in the first place, because I tried to talk to him about her inappropriate behaviour).

(Brother 2) also wrote that the GF is a “raving manipulative loony ingrate” in an email. I just wish they would say these things to (Brother 1’s) face. I wish people would stop pandering to this giant man baby and his GF.

Moreover, how is (Brother 1) ever going to seek help for his anger issues, or other potential mental health issues (we think he may have depression, also bipolar runs in our family) if everyone keeps pandering to him as if his behaviour is totally normal and acceptable? He will never seek help or change if everyone keeps sheltering him.

Anyway, now that this is all out of my brain perhaps I can get some work done today.
Thanks for letting me vent Heartsupport, and any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated.

Thank you. <3

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@Panda007
I am so sorry this is a struggle to know that your own brother is being this way. It sounds like your brother is very much A not respecting you and B not respecting the space that he is living because its clearly not his home but he is renting it. I know personally that sometimes we dont have choices to not live with each of our family members. It sounds like in this case your own family is basically allowing this behavior to continue. Can I ask have you spoken to your mom about these concerns of brother 1 and the girlfriend. I also dont know where you are exactly located but perhaps consider to your mom that rent in most areas for what they have is this much money. I know in my area a single bedroom without a private bathroom can go for upwards of 650$ which is a lot. There arent many who will go that low. Rent is expensive. To be honest some of what your brother is doing are traits of just a dude. I currently am the partner of someone who has a bad habit of just leaving things and leaving them for days on end and weeks till someone else does it. I had to start doing chore reminders for him to help get to the point we are currently at.

As for the words that he used against you and the lack of support in that. That really must have hurt. I am sorry any brother or sibling would do or say such things to you and that the others did not respect you enough to not stand up. The discussion you had with brother 2 about it and his wife was a good one. Perhaps explain to brother 2 why his lack of response hurt you. That is a very painful set of words. I have had sisters who have told me they wish I wasnt around and one even wished some horrible things on me. It really hurt my mom did take action but we were younger.

Overall I am sorry you are going through this. Perhaps some open discussions with family would really help like a sit down meeting between all parties with another person who is neutral would help so that you can each talk this out in I feel type statements.

Sorry about the loss of your dad that just really is not easy and it could be partly why your mom is being so leanant on your brother because of that fear of being alone or upsetting him and such.
Hold fast we are here
Ash

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From: Nightmaresintheflesh (Discord)

Hiya Panda.

You sound like you’re in a pretty stressful environment. I know it’s hard to get on the same page with someone, and sometimes you wish people would just listen. It sounds like everyone is on the same page, but just scared to come forward. Is there any way you can call a family meeting of some sort? Like talk with your mom and communicate to your brother 2 that you need help and then come up with ideas and discuss it with brother 1 and his gf about getting help and being more responsible? Sounds like this needs to be brought up and can’t be avoided anymore, ecspecially with your father’s death.

I hope everyone gets the help they need in all of this, you are all loved and valued,

-Xaii

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Hi Panda007
Thanks for posting here. I understand your frustration. If i had a brother like that… oh boy. Your brother is obviously being disrespectful to your mum and he and his girlfriend are using her. Let me be clear i dont find it weird that he and his girlfriend are living with his mum i find it weird that they are not helping with maintaining the house and not helping your mum at all. That is just bad.

Before i give you some advise in the next paragraph i would like to ask some questions if that is ok? Was your brother like this before ( meaning did he help your mum or not, was he impulsive and easy to anger atc.)? How did your brother react to your fathers death ( was he sad or angry or calm), i am sorry if it is too personal but i find it weird that someone would just let their girlfriend be disrespectful to ones father after his death. What was your fathers opinion on living with his son ( did he mind this or was he ok with it).

Now to the advice. I think the reason why your mum tolerates this is because she is lonely and because she loves your brother and does not want to turn her back on him. She is obviously kind but she is getting used because of it. In your place I would invite your mother and your other brother to lunch or dinner and talk this through. I would not present it in a way like lets talk about my crazy brother and his mean girlfriend but rather something like hey lets come to lunch and after some time talk about your brother and that you have concerns about him. Try taking it slowly. Maybe try to present it like you have concerns about your brothers mental health and that his relationship with his girlfriend might not be a healthy one ( which all of this is true). Your mum should know that the way things are she is not helping your brother because by sheltering him he will not realise his mistakes.

I hope this has helped
Take care now
Bye

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Hey. I had a similar experience when I was still living at home and my brother was using drugs. I would get so frustrated that I would ask my parents why they were supporting his bullshit, and I had to work really hard not to shout. They were generally frustrated and at a loss for what else to do. They didn’t like the way things were going, but he was still their son. They wanted to support him in hopes that he would get his act together, but they couldn’t find the balance between supporting and enabling. Eventually they started going to a support group, and learned how to set balanced boundaries that they could feel good about, but they learned in the process that whatever they allowed is what they were willing to tolerate.

Your mom is willing to tolerate your brother’s terrible behavior, and as long as she’s willing to do that, you unfortunately don’t get any say in the matter. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it’s your mom’s house and it’s what she can live with for now. Like my parents were, she may be at a loss for what to do with him or how to set boundaries without telling him to screw off, but as long as she puts up with that behavior, it’s her problem, not yours.

All you can do is try to love and support your mom the best you can. As much as you want to shake some sense into her, vehemently telling her how she should treat Brother 1 just comes off as berating her, even if your intentions are good. Getting berated can make people who are already overwhelmed freeze and shut down. People don’t want to be told they’re wrong, people want to be heard and understood. If you want to share your concerns with your mom, instead of hurling accusations about Brother 1, try calmly talking to her about things you observe or perceive. “Mom, it seems like Brother 1 is getting a pretty good deal, living in your house with almost no expectations or responsibilities. How are you doing with that? Does it get hard sometimes?” “Mom, GF seems to be taking over more and more space in the house. Are you alright with that? Do you feel crowded out at all? Would you be more comfortable if she had her own working space?” Or maybe even just ask an open-ended “How are you?” Invite her to talk about it instead of telling her what she’s doing wrong. If she can open up about it, she won’t be dug in and shut down, and you may be surprised at how she changes her view of Brother 1. However, it’s still her house and her rules.

In the meantime, you have to accept that what’s happening is beyond your control. I think it’s reasonable to vent to Brother 2, I think it’s good to try to be there for your mom as much as you can tolerate, and you don’t owe Brother 1 your company if he’s going to say terrible things about you. Those are things you can control. What you can’t control is what your mom allows in her house. You’ve become so invested in that that you’re here talking about why you’re angry, and it’s understandable, but do you want to let your bum-ass brother and his GF dictate your state of mind? That’s not fair to you.

As someone who’s lived in an unfair housing situation, I hope you can find a measure of peace, and I really hope your mom comes around and starts sticking up for herself. It’s not right, and I feel upset on your behalf, but if you can’t change it you have to let it go and set your own boundaries.

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Hi! And thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. Just to answer your question if I have spoken to my mom about these concerns with brother 1 and the GF, yes I have tried very hard over and over to communicate to her why I am so hurt. I even tell her that it’s dangerous to ignore behavior like this because he will never seek professional help if he doesn’t think anything is wrong. Unfortunately I think my mom is in denial, or just doesn’t want to deal with it. She had tended to avoid conflict her entire life, and has a habit of dismissing problems rather than dealing with them. My mom invited me and my husband over for thanksgiving dinner this year as if everything was fine? I had to reiterate to her that I am not comfortable around those two individuals, and I do not want to see them at all. She basically just ignores everything and expects me to get over it, which I cannot. Especially when everyone acts like this is acceptable behavior… so hard sometimes when I feel like no one cares. Except for my hubby. He’s great :slight_smile: And of course the lovely people on Heart Support! xoxox

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Hello and thank you for your response! I would love to have a family meeting, but I think my mom would rather avoid and ignore the issue than deal with it. Same with Brother 2. So I guess we aren’t all on the same page yet? I dunno.

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Hi! Thanks for your response. To answer your questions…
YES! my brother has always been an angry spoiled mean spirited person. He had a reputation in high school for being a major jerk (according to some lovely people who did not deserve to be bullied by him). He has always been quick to anger and lazy. We were all very upset about out Dad’s death. But again, Brother 2 and I helped mom with the funeral, going to the home with he, picking a casket, getting photos together, writing a memorial, and Brother 1 wandered around the house getting angry at internet articles no one cared about. Then when we asked him to get groceries ONE TIME he acted like it was a huge ask and got all pissy about it.

Also, thank you for this…
“…but i find it weird that someone would just let their girlfriend be disrespectful to ones father after his death” YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES. That is why I am so frustrated with him and my family. The GF lost her father 2 years ago, and she made everything about HER when my Dad died. She acted as if her and my father were BFF even though she only knew him for 3 months?! She made everything about her, and got drunk like it was a fucking party. Arg even remembering this all again is getting me all wound up lol.

At one point, I found out that the GF had my dead Dad’s credit card on some pizza app (which is fine, whatever, he gave it to them when he was still alive.) But then she starts bragging about how she knows the CVV on the back of the card by memory? Which freaked me out. So I asked Brother 1 and his GF to remove the Credit card from the app, multiple times, which they did not. Then when my husband brought it up later to my brother alone, my brother goes “Yeah whatever, she gets upset about everything.” OUR DAD JUST DIED OF COURSE I’M UPSET. My husband snapped at him afterwards and stuck up for me, I love him so much. I honestly don’t know where I would be without the support of my husband at this time.

Thanks for the advice as well. Maybe I can get there at some point, I just wish my mom was on the same page, then maybe I would feel strong enough to confront him. What’s the point of trying to fix problems when you are the only one trying to actively fix them? That’s just how I feel at this point.

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“What you can’t control is what your mom allows in her house. You’ve become so invested in that that you’re here talking about why you’re angry, and it’s understandable, but do you want to let your bum-ass brother and his GF dictate your state of mind? That’s not fair to you.”

OMG I love this. Thank you. I needed to hear that lol.

Thank you for your response, it was incredibly helpful! xoxox

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