I know not everyone feels better by exercising, and I wasn’t trying to suggest it would make you feel better. I was just trying to state the reasons some people might want to do it, and if you do try again, to do it for reasons that are healthy for you, not for someone else. That’s why you do anything in your life. I mean, yeah, you have to be considerate of others, and it’s nice if you love others for who they are, but if you aren’t helping yourself, you can’t help someone else without there being some type of consequence. Example: If you give someone your rent money, and you don’t pay your rent, you’re out of a place to live. That’s not healthy for you, just like exercising to try to make someone attracted to you isn’t healthy for you in numerous ways.
I’m sorry that the community you feel you should belong in didn’t treat you better. I’m sorry that your life growing up was so tough. To me, skin is only a color. I honestly don’t care that you’re black, I don’t care if you have a button nose or a graceful figure or loads of money. I’ve worked a dead end job, for 17 years, with people of all colors and sizes and character, and I’ve loved them all. I only care that, because of experiences you’ve had in the past, you feel like you don’t belong.
Speaking of jobs… retail can be exhausting to work in. Unfortunately, you will have people who come in and take things out on you, but usually when people are being nasty, it has nothing to do with you. I know it’s hard not to take it personally, because people make it personal, but it’s generally because the person is frustrated or has something going on at home. It rarely has to do with the employees, and I hope you know that.
School… That’s a different story that a lot of people have had negative experiences with. My high school experience sucked. I’m white. I’m fat. I was bullied by a lot of people almost every day who wanted me to know I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t belong there. While you’re supposed to use school to learn, that’s not quite what you’re supposed to learn. While my experiences were different than yours, I can understand where you’re coming from, and I know it can hurt and be lonely to feel excluded.
This may sound like I’m repeating myself, but… Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has something beautiful about them. Again, beauty isn’t only skin deep. It’s in the things people do and in the way they treat others. There are only two things I don’t like about you so far out of what you have shared, and that is, one, that you feel as if you aren’t good enough. They may not be the words you used, but for all intents and purposes, to me, that’s what you mean. And two, I don’t like that you define beauty by society’s standards.
There’s a lot of places that you belong, and there’s a lot of people that you belong with (like, just maybe for now you belong here with the people at heartsupport and that’s why you took the plunge and wrote this post) but you have to find them, and unfortunately, it can take a long time to find those people. Find people around you who like the things that you like. Those are your people, no matter their skin color. I think there’s a lot of people out there that you’re putting into a box they don’t really belong in. You’re pushing people away in doing that, and keeping yourself lonely. And I don’t think you’ll be content and at peace with yourself unless you find a way to redefine what you see as beautiful. You are the only one who can decide what you find beautiful. You say it makes you mad that society has these standards, but then you follow them and decide that it’s the only thing worth having. If you keep going by society’s standards, it’s going to be impossible to find the woman of your dreams because you won’t be looking at her, you’ll be looking past her. Again, you’re pushing a lot of people away by doing that.
I’m not trying to push away your struggles. That is not my intent. Your struggles are real, and I know it’s hard to get past them. I just wanted to let you know what I see. I’m sorry if I got anything wrong. I hope that I didn’t say anything that might hurt you in some way. And I really do hope that you can find a way to get peace in your life.