Why is it that when I see a photo of a beautiful woman, I get feelings of anger, jealousy, and self hatred?

It’s like they are mocking me for being extremely incompetent in looks, personality, financial security, etc. Like, they are saying to me, “yeah you see this? You will NEVER get any of this.” Why? Why must I be tortured like this? Is it because I’m a virgin at 28? Because I’ve never held a girl’s hand? Because I work a minimum wage job with no savings to my name, with no better job in sight? Is it because I still live with my mother, when I should have left on my own 8 years ago? Is it because I’m a neckbeard, simply because I like Anime and Manga?

All I want is to have someone next to me, a beautiful and kind woman who I trust and love with all my heart, and it feels like I’m not even allowed that.

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Being single makes us feel sad, lonely, depressed. But there’s still hope, as long as you keep trying, people will see that your confident, and that makes people like you. It takes a while to build up your self esteem, bringing a positive attitude everywhere you go will make people like you. I’m saying that you should keep trying no matter what people say to you.

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I know what you’re saying, but I have been trying to find someone. The problem is my social anxiety (which hurts my chances IRL), The fact that Online Dating is incredibly shallow, and my ugliness. That’s not even getting into the fact that most people online would ghost before they even give the chance to describe yourself. The fact that I, a heterosexual man, can only found friendship, not even a romance, in a transwoman speaks volumes about the state of online dating.

I don’t think you’re crazy for feeling this way…it’s so easy to fall into a trap of comparison. Seeing someone have something you don’t have and feel like it makes a statement about who you are and your worth. Definitely not crazy – pretty normal experience, man. We all compare ourselves in some way or another. But comparison can actually be a mental trigger for us to speak a new message to ourselves and to others. I really like what Dan and Casey say about it on this stream, and I highly recommend you giving it a whirl:

Hope this helps.

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If the social anxiety is a natural mental illness, I don’t really know what you should do. But if it’s from other people thinking your ugly, maybe you should work out at least twice a week, at first you might not feel as motivated to exercise, but its pretty fun when you start, going on a jog helps you forget all of your anxiety and people’s nasty comments on your looks. Working out would help you lose weight and fat.

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The Social Anxiety is self Diagnosed if anything, so its not like I have a psychologist to verify it. Also, I have tried to exercise, but I realized that I wasn’t really gaining any muscle. Again, I haven’t really tried, only did it for a couple of days, but I expected that I would expect noticeable changes after a few days.

I see, I get where you’re coming from, that it’s really from a place of comparison. But all I have is comparison, or more specifically, I compare myself because I need to know what I have, to feel like I exist, even if my comparison is ultimately detrimental to my mental health. Also, the person I compare myself to is a woman. A beautiful woman at that, who is also a cosplayer and has a over 45K followers on Twitter, and that she (in my mind) is able to get whatever she wish, including sex (the “endgame” according to society") on demand. Compared to me, I have no right to exist.

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We don’t lose weight instantaneously after exercising. Keep trying. Don’t give up.

I don’t want to give up, but I have to, know that I’ll never have what I want.

@DPP21 There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at 28. If more people would save for the person they marry (their SO), instead of just giving it out to whoever, I think our society would be in a much better place than it’s at.

So when you look at other people who don’t have the beautiful look that the woman on the cover of the magazine has, do you also think, “Oh, this person has no right to exist because he/she isn’t attractive…”? If you do, then you’re being a little harsh on the human population in general. But more than likely, you don’t think that. You have as much right to exist and as much right to be happy as the next person. The honest truth is that most of those beautiful women on the covers of the magazines don’t even look like the women that are portrayed in those magazines. The photos are airbrushed and the editors change the shapes of the girls to what they think they should be, two ways among many other ways the photos tend to be altered. That doesn’t mean the women on the covers aren’t beautiful in real life, but most of them don’t really exist as they’re portrayed on the covers. You’re comparing yourself to something that doesn’t really exist.

When you exercise, try to do it because you’re doing it for you and to make you feel better and healthier, and not just because you think others will be more attracted to you. Exercise can help some people feel better about themselves, but it isn’t going to change your mindset on how you feel about yourself. Losing weight and becoming healthier isn’t going to instantly make you feel as if you’re a beautiful person. Take it from someone who had weight loss surgery because weight never came off no matter what she did and lost 100 pounds with the surgery, only to gain it back a few years later. It’s something that you need to come to realize within yourself. To do that, you may decide to go see a counselor (when you’re able financially), or you may find some type of mental exercise (like meditating) that helps you find peace within yourself or maybe you need to change your standards of what beauty is. Beauty isn’t just what’s on the outside. It’s not just in what people can see with their eyes. I mean, yeah, it doesn’t hurt to look at someone who is easy on the eyes. But beauty comes from the inside, too. Someone who doesn’t have the physical attributes that are considered “beautiful” can be the most beautiful person in the world, just because they have a good heart.

I don’t necessarily expect you to agree with me, but I hope you’ll at least consider what I’ve said. I hope that you’re able to find some peace.

~Daisy :heart:

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First, I want to thank you for taking the time to write that long reply. I know you’re most likely busy, so I want to show my gratitude. Second, what I’m about to say isn’t meant to disregard what you said, it’s just things that I’ve noticed in my 28 years of living.

About beautiful women. That’s what Society expects from women, that they expect you to be thin, with silky smooth hair, rosy cheeks, and a button nose. And, to be completely honest with you, that’s what I want from a woman too. Why? Because I would have known that I’m desirable, that I’m worth it, that this beautiful woman loves me for who and what I am. And having, excuse my extreme harshness, an ugly wife just says to the world “you settled for the scraps”. And that is extremely demoralizing.

Also, about exercise. To me, exercising is NOT about making yourself feeling better, not even close. If that was true, everyone would be exercising. Exercising, to me, tells me that you want to be desired, that you want the opposite Sex to chase you around. However, depending on who you are and what type of body you have, it might take months or even YEARS, before you start to see noticeable changes. That’s why most people quit. In our extremely high-speed society, if you don’t gain muscle NOW, it’s pointless to even try.

I have a challenge for everyone here. I’m going to tell you who I am, my life story and my hobbies and interests. You tell me, from that, if someone beautiful will be able to love me unconditionally. If you can’t, that means I was never meant to have someone beautiful love me.

I was born in the bronx, but do to my father being in the military, I was always moving around the United States. Because of that I have never had a childhood friend. My Childhood, really consisted of video games, because there, I was free to be whoever i was, and i had no fear of video games leaving me when I moved because they come with where ever I went. School wise, I was fine, until middle and high school came around. That’s when I learned an awful truth: Being born black but being raised to be helpful, polite, and well-mannered means that you were raised “white” and therefore an enemy of the black community. It has caused me to develop hatred a kind of hatred to the black community because they should of been there for me but instead, they made me an enemy. It has also caused me to love the white community because they have treated me with love and respect, like I was just a human being. You can say I fetishize the white community, if that makes any sense. It was during this time that I have discovered anime. So many Kind, Caring and beautiful people in that media, with strong overlap with video games, made me want to leave this cruel reality and want to live in thier world. As a result, I never finished High School, and I had to get a GED (Meaning I’m a failure in Society’s eyes). That also meant I had to not only live with my mother, who has never had held a girl’s hand, because I’ve been deemed ugly and I believe it, but the only job I qualify for is a minimum wage job in retail, that I fully expect to work for until I Ethier die of old age or end my life. Not only that, I somehow made a Trans friend that is somehow more romantically skilled than I am, a straight man.

As for my hobbies, Again, I play Video games (I had just Finished beating Persona 5 Royal and now I’m playing Sakura Wars, with some Final Fantasy VII Remake and Monster Hunter World on the side), I’m watch Anime and read Manga (I’m a dub lover, because I appreciate English Anime Voice Actors far more than anything) and sometimes, I read fiction books.

So, do you see something in there that someone who is beautiful and kind would love me unconditionally for? If not, than I was never meant to love and was never meant to exist.

Logically if you want a beautiful woman to love you, you shouldn’t feel angry when you see one

This negativity will only make you worse in the long run
There has to be effort made to better yourself it’s the only solution

Wishing you the best

I know not everyone feels better by exercising, and I wasn’t trying to suggest it would make you feel better. I was just trying to state the reasons some people might want to do it, and if you do try again, to do it for reasons that are healthy for you, not for someone else. That’s why you do anything in your life. I mean, yeah, you have to be considerate of others, and it’s nice if you love others for who they are, but if you aren’t helping yourself, you can’t help someone else without there being some type of consequence. Example: If you give someone your rent money, and you don’t pay your rent, you’re out of a place to live. That’s not healthy for you, just like exercising to try to make someone attracted to you isn’t healthy for you in numerous ways.

I’m sorry that the community you feel you should belong in didn’t treat you better. I’m sorry that your life growing up was so tough. To me, skin is only a color. I honestly don’t care that you’re black, I don’t care if you have a button nose or a graceful figure or loads of money. I’ve worked a dead end job, for 17 years, with people of all colors and sizes and character, and I’ve loved them all. I only care that, because of experiences you’ve had in the past, you feel like you don’t belong.

Speaking of jobs… retail can be exhausting to work in. Unfortunately, you will have people who come in and take things out on you, but usually when people are being nasty, it has nothing to do with you. I know it’s hard not to take it personally, because people make it personal, but it’s generally because the person is frustrated or has something going on at home. It rarely has to do with the employees, and I hope you know that.

School… That’s a different story that a lot of people have had negative experiences with. My high school experience sucked. I’m white. I’m fat. I was bullied by a lot of people almost every day who wanted me to know I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t belong there. While you’re supposed to use school to learn, that’s not quite what you’re supposed to learn. While my experiences were different than yours, I can understand where you’re coming from, and I know it can hurt and be lonely to feel excluded.

This may sound like I’m repeating myself, but… Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has something beautiful about them. Again, beauty isn’t only skin deep. It’s in the things people do and in the way they treat others. There are only two things I don’t like about you so far out of what you have shared, and that is, one, that you feel as if you aren’t good enough. They may not be the words you used, but for all intents and purposes, to me, that’s what you mean. And two, I don’t like that you define beauty by society’s standards.

There’s a lot of places that you belong, and there’s a lot of people that you belong with (like, just maybe for now you belong here with the people at heartsupport and that’s why you took the plunge and wrote this post) but you have to find them, and unfortunately, it can take a long time to find those people. Find people around you who like the things that you like. Those are your people, no matter their skin color. I think there’s a lot of people out there that you’re putting into a box they don’t really belong in. You’re pushing people away in doing that, and keeping yourself lonely. And I don’t think you’ll be content and at peace with yourself unless you find a way to redefine what you see as beautiful. You are the only one who can decide what you find beautiful. You say it makes you mad that society has these standards, but then you follow them and decide that it’s the only thing worth having. If you keep going by society’s standards, it’s going to be impossible to find the woman of your dreams because you won’t be looking at her, you’ll be looking past her. Again, you’re pushing a lot of people away by doing that.

I’m not trying to push away your struggles. That is not my intent. Your struggles are real, and I know it’s hard to get past them. I just wanted to let you know what I see. I’m sorry if I got anything wrong. I hope that I didn’t say anything that might hurt you in some way. And I really do hope that you can find a way to get peace in your life.

~Daisy :heart:

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First off, I understand and feel your pain very deeply. I remember feeling like this last year. I would come home and scroll through social media only to see all of these very attractive friends of mine. I so desperately longed to have some kind of intimacy with someone. I was 23 and still a virgin. In the heat of all of the misery, self-loathing and crippling loneliness, the universe hit me with someone who cared. All I am saying, my friend, is that you just have to hold on. There is no shame being a virgin at 28. There is no shame in not having held a woman’s hand yet. There is nothing wrong with who you are. None of these things define who you are as a person. What does define you as a person is your passion for Anime and Manga. These passions are what keep you grounded and give you an escape. If someone does not like you because of the simple fact you like Anime and Manga, that says more about them as a person. I play computer games and she always encouraged me to do so. A beautiful woman will like you for who you are and how you make her feel, not about the money or the location of your living arrangements.
You are allowed love. But what you are not allowed is the wrong kind of love. You don’t want a love so badly that you lose and give up on yourself. Keep turning to those passions of yours. Maybe create a plan for your future. Take that negative energy and try to funnel it into something positive. I know it can be difficult, but learning to work on yourself will reap amazing benefits because you will learn so much about yourself there is to love.
I know it is hard. I am right there with you, my friend. One thing you cannot do is give up. Stay strong for yourself. We are all here to support you. You will find someone and it will happen when you least expect it. Once more, HOLD FAST, BROTHER.

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Eat healthy, work out, have great hobbies, read, and take pride of who you are without a woman. Later on You Will realize You don’t need anyone else but yourself to make You happy and when that happens is when You are ready to meet someone who You can share your live with, otherwise odds are you’ll end up in a toxic relationship with someone who Will take advantage of you. Please I know it’s hard to digest this that I’m telling you but trust me, that’s the Truth

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You want to know the reason why I have to abide by Society’s laws, even if I hate them? It’s because I have absolutely no power, and society does. If Society says you look like a cockroach, you look like a cockroach. If Society says you will never have a job other than minimum wage, you’ll never have a job other than minimum wage. If Society says your subhuman trash if you never had sex by a certain age, you’re subhuman trash if you never had sex by a certain age.

That’s why I play video games and watch anime and read manga. At least there, I can escape reality and be someone who I’m not, and not play by Society’s rules because I have power. But, fantasy is fleeting, and sooner or later, I have to go back to reality, and be absolutely powerless against Society.

To be honest, I don’t care what society says. After I left high school I stopped caring because I knew I would never be good enough for some people. That’s their loss, not mine. You should feel the same. Yes, it still hurts to be rejected and found wanting, but if someone isn’t getting to know you for who you really are and is pushing you aside, then that’s their loss. And this is the last time I’m going to say it: It’s up to you to define what you find beautiful. Society has absolutely positively NO control over what you define as beautiful. I realize that you work in retail and you have to abide by certain rules, but what you ultimately find beautiful in another human being is up to you, not them. By following the guidelines that society has, you’re enabling them to keep making unrealistic expectations of other people. Yes, you have to follow the law. If you go punch someone for no reason, you’re going to get arrested. You need to follow those rules. But deciding what’s beautiful to you is completely up to you, not anyone else. You’re never going to change how you feel as long as you don’t try to change something in your life. When this pandemic is over, you could change to another dead end job. There’s always places looking for dishwashers, housekeepers and cooks, which is what I was in my last dead end job, a jack of all trades and which I didn’t find any more forgiving a job than retail, but unless you forget what society says about beauty and define it for yourself, you’re not going to be happy.

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