Thank you so much for sharing some life updates here. Last time you posted you were going through some important transitions in your life and you were facing some major decisions as well. For what it’s worth coming from a stranger like me, I’m beyond proud of you for moving somewhere else, being in a healthier environment and working. Besides the exhaustion that you describe - and that I absolutely see -, what you’ve done were some major steps and you can be proud of those accomplishments. It has taken a lot of energy and bravery to move forward.
What you describe about this city and the events that happened to you truly break my heart. I’m so very sorry that you were threatened to be hurt like this. That’s absolutely not fair and beyond comprehension. I hope you know that you did the right thing by going away and getting back home as soon as possible. Preserving your safety was and is a priority. Though I imagine the fear you might have felt at the moment and even afterwards, and I wish I could just make it better for you instantly.
As for the jobs, you know it’s tough even for people who don’t particularly struggle with obvious mental health stuff. I personally believe that our world as it is/society as it is is not really cut off for humans, and not the opposite. We push people to burn themselves out. There’s a cult of performance and rentability at any cost - and the first one is human, emotional, and unfortunately mostly invisible. You truly are not at fault for struggling. There is a context to emphasize there and to acknowledge. Things are more complex than an individual responsibility or limitation, even if everything around us tends to make us feel guilty for… being ourselves, no matter what that means.
This is a pretty wild world that we live in. I absolutely agree with this. However, it is possible to create our own path, even if it takes more time than it seems to take for most people. That doesn’t make us less worthy, capable or even lovable. It only makes us human. And should I say: humans who are particularly aware of who they are, their limits, but also the strength they have in their own vulnerability. The most damaging thing we can do to ourselves is to fool ourselves and pretend to be someone we are not.
You are not a failure because your mental health has impacted your capacity to “endure a job. Our times are objectively challenging, mental health wise, especially when it comes to working. It’s not impossible to create our own path, but it’s quite challenging for sure.
I’m also like you: when I feel like I mess everything up - and oh dear, I feel that way so often -, I want to run away. You know that song from Linkin Park? “I want to run away, never say goodbye, I want to know the truth instead of wondering why”. These are lyrics I feel in my core. This urge to run away, to hide, crawl in is so tempting. It gives this feeling that it could be possible to erase ourselves and start somewhere, something new. So many times, and these days actually very intensely, I feel overwhelmed by my life, unlovable, unworthy, and I just want to burn my ID card, go live again in the streets and become no one again. It seems freeing at first, and it keeps being in the back of my mind like something possible and fair to the people I love.
However, you and I know that we are strong for NOT responding to this urge. Our vulnerability, our pain, are strengths, even if it feels differently. Sitting with our feelings is actually more freeing than running away from them. Learning from our regrets is more teaching than pretending that nothing happened. And giving ourselves grace is actually more healing than beating ourselves up for a guilt and shame we never deserved.
You are allowed to be human, my friend. You are allowed to be tired. To struggle. This doesn’t make you defective. This is a pure expression of your humanity, and it holds the potential of growth. But taking THIS path of learning, waiting, acknowledging, listening… takes more time than running away. However, in the long run, it will lead you in a deep, deep sense of pride for standing still in the midst of the storm. There will be a time when you will look at today, and you will be glad for not giving up on yourself, on the ones your love or on your dreams. All of it is worth it. All of YOU is worth it.
If disability needs to be an option to consider from now on, then let’s try. One step at a time, always. You’ll get there. You’ll figure out how to get out of this fog, with the help of your boyfriend, and with the help of this community. You are not alone.
I believed in you months ago. I still do. Look how far you’ve grown. How beautiful you are. I see you. And I’m damn proud of you.