Why is this happening

TW: slight mention of suicide

i’m so exhausted and overwhelmed all the time.

i’ve moved out and with my significant other which is amazing, but working again is horrifying and people in this town really don’t like me. i got threatened while i was trying to sit down at a park and some guy threatened to literally cut my face off. him and his group of friends kept following me as i left and i had to run home because of it. what kind of person does that sort of thing? and to top it all off the other day some guy yelled at me across the street to “keep walking” and i hadn’t even done anything. this is a small town filled with closed minded people unfortunately but i didn’t think it would be this bad considering i’ve lived only a few hours away my whole life. this town is barely bigger than my last one and i barely had anything there.
now i have to work here too and i couldn’t even handle my last few jobs, my mental health went down the drain and i even had to go to the hospital because it got so bad during that. i’m not cut out for this world.
i love my significant other but i feel like all i do is mess things up while i’m here. they don’t get mad at me but i feel like i ruin everything. i don’t understand why my first instinct is to just leave when i feel like i mess things up but i always feel the urge to just move out and leave before i keep making more mistakes.
i’m tired of constantly being told to not be myself in order to work or to please people. i can’t mask all the time, i get tired and most of the time i don’t even notice i’m doing it. i’m quiet and reserved and anxious, i don’t think it’s my fault, but a lot of people just keep telling me to not be the way i am and just be outgoing and happy. i’m not cut out for the working world, but i don’t think i’d even qualify for disability.
my whole life is ruined and i just want to give up. i can’t do it anymore.


i’m not cut out for this world.
i don’t think i’d even qualify for disability.

I’m experiencing something similar to this right now. Where you feel like you are fundamentally broken, you can’t operate like a “normal” person and somehow like being diagnosed with a disability would make that better or open doors

You shouldn’t see it as such. The point of it would be to help you better understand who you are, what makes you work, and being able to identify things that might otherwise be difficult for someone like you.

Our world isn’t perfect, but it’s the one we’re given. Trying to find a place in it can be hard, and there is no easy answer to that question. Everyone experiences this differently, however the general consensus among most people is that they have absolutely no idea what they’re doing, so you’re not alone!

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Hey @Limeytea,

Thank you so much for sharing some life updates here. Last time you posted you were going through some important transitions in your life and you were facing some major decisions as well. For what it’s worth coming from a stranger like me, I’m beyond proud of you for moving somewhere else, being in a healthier environment and working. Besides the exhaustion that you describe - and that I absolutely see -, what you’ve done were some major steps and you can be proud of those accomplishments. It has taken a lot of energy and bravery to move forward.

What you describe about this city and the events that happened to you truly break my heart. I’m so very sorry that you were threatened to be hurt like this. That’s absolutely not fair and beyond comprehension. I hope you know that you did the right thing by going away and getting back home as soon as possible. Preserving your safety was and is a priority. Though I imagine the fear you might have felt at the moment and even afterwards, and I wish I could just make it better for you instantly.

As for the jobs, you know it’s tough even for people who don’t particularly struggle with obvious mental health stuff. I personally believe that our world as it is/society as it is is not really cut off for humans, and not the opposite. We push people to burn themselves out. There’s a cult of performance and rentability at any cost - and the first one is human, emotional, and unfortunately mostly invisible. You truly are not at fault for struggling. There is a context to emphasize there and to acknowledge. Things are more complex than an individual responsibility or limitation, even if everything around us tends to make us feel guilty for… being ourselves, no matter what that means.

This is a pretty wild world that we live in. I absolutely agree with this. However, it is possible to create our own path, even if it takes more time than it seems to take for most people. That doesn’t make us less worthy, capable or even lovable. It only makes us human. And should I say: humans who are particularly aware of who they are, their limits, but also the strength they have in their own vulnerability. The most damaging thing we can do to ourselves is to fool ourselves and pretend to be someone we are not.

You are not a failure because your mental health has impacted your capacity to “endure a job. Our times are objectively challenging, mental health wise, especially when it comes to working. It’s not impossible to create our own path, but it’s quite challenging for sure.

I’m also like you: when I feel like I mess everything up - and oh dear, I feel that way so often -, I want to run away. You know that song from Linkin Park? “I want to run away, never say goodbye, I want to know the truth instead of wondering why”. These are lyrics I feel in my core. This urge to run away, to hide, crawl in is so tempting. It gives this feeling that it could be possible to erase ourselves and start somewhere, something new. So many times, and these days actually very intensely, I feel overwhelmed by my life, unlovable, unworthy, and I just want to burn my ID card, go live again in the streets and become no one again. It seems freeing at first, and it keeps being in the back of my mind like something possible and fair to the people I love.

However, you and I know that we are strong for NOT responding to this urge. Our vulnerability, our pain, are strengths, even if it feels differently. Sitting with our feelings is actually more freeing than running away from them. Learning from our regrets is more teaching than pretending that nothing happened. And giving ourselves grace is actually more healing than beating ourselves up for a guilt and shame we never deserved.

You are allowed to be human, my friend. You are allowed to be tired. To struggle. This doesn’t make you defective. This is a pure expression of your humanity, and it holds the potential of growth. But taking THIS path of learning, waiting, acknowledging, listening… takes more time than running away. However, in the long run, it will lead you in a deep, deep sense of pride for standing still in the midst of the storm. There will be a time when you will look at today, and you will be glad for not giving up on yourself, on the ones your love or on your dreams. All of it is worth it. All of YOU is worth it.

If disability needs to be an option to consider from now on, then let’s try. One step at a time, always. You’ll get there. You’ll figure out how to get out of this fog, with the help of your boyfriend, and with the help of this community. You are not alone.

I believed in you months ago. I still do. Look how far you’ve grown. How beautiful you are. I see you. And I’m damn proud of you.

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i really appreciate that you care and remember things i’ve posted about in the past. i’m not very good with responses, but thank you for replying to my post.

i guess i just don’t really know what to do because getting disability is super hard and it takes forever to even get it if you can and takes multiple times to get it. i just don’t feel like i have the strength to wait any longer unfortunately.

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