I hate myself I screw up at home and can’t change myself so my mom and my siblings hate me she always favors my brother and my dog over me and all my friends from high school are in universities while I screwed up in high school and have to go to community college and my parents always yell at me for what I like to do and I can’t do my job to the point where my boss is like “I’m glad you put in your 2 weeks” and “no wonder your parents hate you at home I wouldn’t wanna live with you either”. It’s not fuxing fair that the majority of my peers from high school drank, did drugs, had sex, got multiple speeding tickets, fought, shoplifted and harassed anyone who didn’t play a sport and they’re all in the top colleges with girlfriends/boyfriends and I never did any of that and still struggled in school. I feel worthless and have had several episodes where I think about suicide and what death is like, and all my coworkers think I’m sick because I lose my temper at them when I can’t do 10 things all at once and I have a dark sense of humor. My parents harass me and make fun of me for what I like to do such as watch YouTube study Military History and playing video games. I’ve had many episodes where I think about suicide but I’m also scared to die which is one of the only things that has prevented me from killing myself over the years… I would move out but I have nowhere to go… sometimes I wish I was never born so I wouldn’t even have to deal with this.
I’m afraid to die also. I wish I could find some things that make me enjoy life more. I think I’m crazy and need help. I know this is like popcorn-ing off of you but you’re not alone on a lot of what you said. A lot of us feel the ways you feel or experienced some similar things @battlecruiser101.
I’m glad you were born and glad you’re here. There’s no one like you in this world, you’re absolutely unique and I’m really sorry to hear that people around you aren’t supportive at all. Having our family or anyone else telling us such negative things can have a major impact on the way we see yourselves. I want to remind you that you have worth and value just by being you.
Your mom shouldn’t favor anyone. Parents aren’t perfect, but I promise you whatever she may be thinking of you, if it’s only hateful then it’s not true. You matter. And you don’t have to succeed in everything you do or to be perfect at anything for that. You matter because you are existing. There’s nothing and no one in this world who could take that away from you.
School can be really difficult and not suited for everyone. You know, it’s not because there’s an obligation to go to school that the standards there are ideal. You have capacities, skills, interests. It’s not measurable in itself. What you want to do, what you think and what you’re experiencing in this world matter. There are certainly things you can do and enjoy. But for many of us it’s also a matter of circumstances, of being in a healthy environment, before we realize what we can bring to this world.
When you’re struggling, it’s also quite normal to lose your temper sometimes. I have a chronic depression, and when I was at my worse it happened that I was really mean sometimes, and I didn’t recognize myself. Pushing others away is also a way to say you’re not okay. We hear you, we see you here. If you feel that your thoughts about suicide are getting a bit out of your control, please reach out to someone or consider seeking for a therapist. There are already some resources here on HeartSupport which could help you to work on that: https://heartsupport.com/resources/
Also in case your mind starts to spiral and it’s get harder to fight against dark thoughts, don’t hesitate to use the following resources:
- Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
- Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
- National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
It’s not fair that you have to deal with all of this. You didn’t ask for being harassed by your parents or knowing toxic persons. But you can overcome this. There are people here in this community who can understand what you’re going through at a deep level. You’re not alone. 