I want to go home, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to exist, I don’t want anything but to stop being here right now, I was getting so much better, but ever since I’ve gotten a job, met new people, they have already started fucking with my head. I hate shitty people, and I fear for the safety of good people. I’m tired of living more and more, I only have 3 more months till I have a break, but shit, I can’t stop thinking of ways to slash my throat open quickly. I can’t stop thinking about that kambit knife I almost bought online. If anything could kill me, it would probably be that. If not that, then nitrite, but ik j need to live, I just can’t handle havign a job, this is too much for me. I go bipolar every day being at work, stressed about my mom’s husband, my future, slowly becoming depressed again, wanting a pet but not being able to have one. You know how heartbreaking that is? And it just fucks you up more and more. I’m tired of ppls shit, I just want to sleep, I want to stay in my head, I don’t want to be here anymore. Dreams are the only place I feel safe, because it’s a different world, one I can control compeltley, one I can enjoy. More and more, day after day, everything starts to hurt. I wake up stressed, feel fine until something goes wrong, or something triggers me, until I fuck something up, and I’m stressed till I go to bed. I just, want to hide, no one in this world has good intentions. No one wants to be your friend. Everyone thinks you’re stupid. Everyone wants to gain something from you. My friend was right. I don’t blame them for leaving, you can’t trust anyone. That’s the only way to stay safe. But the only way to avoid people, is to stop existing.
Hi,
im going to start with this:
new places can be hard and i get not wanting to be where you are. starting with a job and meeting new people who are different from the people you know can be so difficult and sometimes they do fuck with your head but you can try and block them out if neccessary.
the hating of shitty people is natural as for fearing for the good people you cannot live life fearing for people who’s lives you cant control and for those people you cant always help when you need to. if that job is too difficult is it possible to look for one that gives you less stress? i can see your going through a ton of emotions here and thoughts, you go bipolar; are you bipolar? are you going manic? or is this just an expression. if you are bipolar that i can understand is it possible to get it checked out? you cannot stress out about other peoples choices and lives it does not help you be a better you it makes you stressed over something you cannot control.
ok and also. not everyone has bad intentions on this i swear. there are genuinly good people out there who will love and cherish you and have no alterior motives for talking to you and/or befriending you. not everyone thinks your stupid. i think your letting your fears and thoughts get into what you think other people are like or what they think of you. life can be extremely difficult to get through if you dont trust anyone although i respect that you dont feel safe trusting. as for not existing; I know sometimes that seems like the best option but i promise its not. there is so much im sure you havent seen or done and not existing isnt worth it. the world can be a truly beautiful place that not existing well it can cause you to miss those beautiful things. stay strong know that people in heart support are here for you if you need it and will be here with open arms and open hearts to help you through your struggles. 
I would like to have a positive outlook, but I can already tell I’m being messed with. At my work yesterday I’m cashier so I’m supposed to keep track of the money drawer, thing is we had a 50$ bill at the very left side of it, and when I saw it I remember telling myself “Yea prolly don’t mess with that last part of the drawer.” Because since it’s my first job, the main thing I remmeebr being taught was that 50$ bills and 100$ bills are supposed to be immediatly put in the machine, not into the drawer. So I didn’t mess with it. Later that day, I noticed that corner of the drawers money was gone, but thought nothing of it, I just assumed my boss took it out and put it in the machine. But then the next shift started and she started asking about where the money went. I wasn’t the only one in charge of the money, another person was in charge of counting money. So when they counted the drawers and said they didn’t see a 50$ I felt like all eyes were on me. I can’t figure out what happened to the money even now, I even offered her to scan a Visa card I had that had roughly 50$ on it, so I could repay for whatever happened, but I don’t think she understood because she isn’t native in english. But now I’m being told I’m off from work and I feel like I’m going to get fired, and I haven’t even gotten my first fucking paycheck, and I’ve been working for 3-4 fucking weeks. I just feel so worthless, someone clearly stole the money, the change guy or a cook, and they’re gonna fucking frame me, for no fucking reason other than “I’m going to judge you because I don’t know you very well.” Or “You seem innocent, so let’s fuck with your head.” Humanity is sick, it’s fucking full of apathetic manipulative pricks. I’m fucking tired of it, and istg I’m so tired of it that if I get fired and don’t get paid I’m not even going to do anything about it. Fuck it. Fuck life. Why bother with something when it only wants to make you die more and more every single fucking day. Fuck humanity. I just want to go back to sleep, I just want to stop being reminded I exist. Stop being reminded that I need to “get a job”. I thought getting a job would be good, but based on my experience now, fuck this shit. It isn’t as bad as school but fuck its just as bad as having friends.
Some workplaces are just more toxic than others. this one is seemingly worse. what happened sucks but sometimes life or people can just be so twisted and toxic. you can make it through this. try to find things to look forward to after work or find things you enjoy doing to do untill your back at work. as for humanity pressuring you i suppose well that is terrible. i get just wanting to sleep and not exist but you just need to hold on and stay strong. things do get better i know it gets tiring hearing it over and over again but there is always a light in the dakrness and in the troubles. you can get through this difficult time in life 
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