Why wouldn't i be hopeless?

Why wouldn’t i be hopeless? Why wouldn’t i be hopeless when my anxiety is only getting worse and worse? And i’m helpless against it. Today was a horrible day; I was tasked with going to another hospital to ask for blood of a patient’s type that weren’t in the university hospital, i tried to go but in classic fashion, i threw up and embarrassed myself. Queuing up is the modt terrifying thing for me, and j know i should excuse myself for failing to get the blood because of my condition, but what the actual fuck man? Really? I’m such a fucking disgrace. There’s literally nothing i can do about it. I visit sites and read books and they flash it everywhere; work out and get into CBT. The question here is why exactly would I not be hopeless when I can’t afford any of them? I quit drinking, smoking and cutting, and honestly these are the only things i could afford to do. I can’t work out because of my allergy( cholinergic urticaria) and I can’t afford professional help nor would i be able to afford it for at least the next five to eight years. Why wouldn’t i be hopeless when it’s controling my life. And all this pretty talk about how"your anxiety isn’t you," that is true, i am more than my anxiety but that’s so meaningless, isn’t it? It’s literally defining me. I can’t do this and I can’t do that, burning bridges here and there, but most importantly, i cannot get better at my would-be-profession. I’m in dentistry university and it requires so much social commitment. I have to be relaxed too. I egregiously find it very difficult to grasp the instruments. I embarrass myself with my tremulous hands. Which results in suicidality kicking in. Because why the hell would i give this disgusting piece of humanity a chance? Can’t even handle the basics because of a stupid anxiety disorder. I have done everything i can to get better at it, but got nowhere. I can’t make friends, manily because i’ve got nothing positive going on in my life , that and the anxiety of course. So let’s oversimplify it:
I only have two options if i am to continue living:
1- stop being suicidal
2- stop being anxious
Well, I guess my chances of living are slim to none because stopping these two is impossible. How can I? I can’t workout to improve my body’s condition and get some chemicals up, just to at least mitigate the anxiety which would result in less suicidality. Furthermore i cannot afford professional help.
In all, i’m tired of just living the cycle of having to delay my suicide ( well I guess I’m a pussy) only to find myself at the same point all over again. I’ve been doing that for three years and i’m done doing it. I’ve made a plan for next week. I don’t intend on delaying it even further i’m sick of it.

1 Like

Hey @Hemadoha

Thank you for being so open and honest here. It sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Like everything you are trying isn’t panning out and things have really started to take their toll. Anxiety is a very real struggle and a battle you have been fighting for a long time. It sounds like you have been trying to do many different things to help yourself which in and of itself is important to note! You took those steps to help yourself. You decided to invest in your wellbeing and that is huge!! That being said, you are not a disgrace. Not in any way, shape or form. You are strong and resilient even if it may not feel like it. The fact you stopped drinking, smoking and cutting is evidence of that. So although things may seem like they are at a standstill right now, this dark season truly will not last forever. Healing can happen and anxiety does not have to stay with you forever. We are here for you and you being here is so very important. As you mentioned, you are more than your anxiety. So although it is so very strong right now and really affecting your life, you do not have to let it define you. You are stronger than you think and loved more than you know. We are here for you and we truly do believe in you and your strength to fight this. I am listing some of our resources as well as others bellow. I hope you can utilize them and know that you are worthy of growth, healing and love.

Resources | HeartSupport

Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741

Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255

National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

Hold Fast,

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.