I was diagnosed with clinical depression since middle school, im 25 now and nothing has changed. I was always able to hold on to life because I had two dreams, move to Japan and get married to a loving wife and have kids to dote on. I joined the military to get free college to move to japan and get a job. I was miserable in the military I attempted to make friends and be more sociable, I was still unable to make any real friends. I tried to go out with girls and ask them out and get over my anxiety and was successful but no girl wanted me, failure after failure. I wanted to kill myself every day I got close once. I had seen more than 5 counselors and taken 10 different medications, I ran and went on drives to stay cool. Then right before I got out of the military I found the most beautiful and kind girl I had met in Korea. We talked on the phone every day for 3 months and decided to date I was so happy for the first time in my life. We quickly decided to get her to america since I left korea and the military. after 9 long months she was here and we married. I was bursting with joy I finally made it to the end of the tunnel next was japan. 1 year and 6 months after we married, I found out she cheated on me with a co worker and wanted a divorce. I was and still am devastated I had never been so depressed in my entire life. I wanted revenge, I wanted to kill him, but most importantly I wanted to blow my head off. I went so crazy I got the max dosage of my medicine from my doctor and I still wanted to die. I called the suicide hotline for help telling them my thoughts and asking for anything to calm me. They threw me in a insane asylum for the most terrifying 24 hours of my life. I decided to move to japan this march, if this doesn’t help I plan on finishing this life.
I’ve similar inclinations. I’ve things I wanted to accomplish. One of them is to fall in love. Now I don’t think that falling in love is possible for me since I find it most unlikely I can fully trust anybody (as much as I could hate someone). So I scratched it from my list. I decided to go after other things on my bucket list. I hope completing them will give some kind of fullfillment. I don’t know what I’d do if I can’t fulfill anything else on my bucket list. I do know one thing. Once I complete my Bucket list I’m pretty sure my will to live & all my ambition will disappear. IMHO
As I hope for myself I hope you can find Full Fulfillment with only completing one out of two things that you desired to accomplish. I hope that you find the will to live as I hope that mine remains intact after I complete my Bucket list.