Will it end?

all of this. the self loathing and disgust and the tears. im trying my best to silence the thoughts but at the same time I welcome them. remembering the smiles only sinks me further, sleep is the only solution. in the midst of all the confusion im convinced its what I deserve. and im just tired.

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What “self” do you loathe?
The person who would save someone who is drowning?
The person who cares deeply about how others feel?
The person who doesn’t want to express disappointment in others, but is willing to judge himself harshly for not living up to overwhelming expectations?
The person who is struggling with confusion?
The person who has a decent level of empathy and compassion?
The person who has talents yet to be discovered?

Will it end?
Yes, when you forgive yourself for being human.
Every regret, mistake, or disappointment is a learning experience that helps a person evolve in wisdom.
Accept and treat yourself as you would others.

That you are feeling bad is evidence that you really care about others and about doing the right thing. Encourage yourself as you would others. Forgive yourself as you would others. What you are now experiencing is part of the path towards wisdom.

I admire you for reaching out here, despite how bad you are feeling. It shows that you have both strength and resourcefulness, even if you have a hard time seeing that within yourself.

Please check back in with us, and let us know how you’re doing.

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I appreciate your response, thank you. Unfortunately I dont feel I’m that person you’re describing. I know what it is to hurt & now that I’ve done it to someone else, I cant forgive myself. I said I’d never make someone feel the way I’ve felt before and I did it. Unintentional as it was, I still did it. Sure this can be a learning experience, but I should’ve known already. I’m not the person I thought I was and for that I deserve to lose what once brought me happiness. It’s gonna take a while to recover from that.

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following the logic process you’re describing:
you were hurt - swore to not hurt someone like that - in a situation, with a choice, you hurt someone - you think you should be deprived of happiness

When will you know that you’ve suffered enough to deserve happiness again? Can you apologize for what you did and make some form of restitution?

You say it was unintentional but you should have known better. That means it was all theoretical knowledge you had, things you thought in your head. Now you have practical demonstration of what that kind of situation is like in reality, and you now know what is the response you DON’T want to have is.

Sometimes we have to go through the actual lived experience to learn a lesson. Sometimes there are parts of us we aren’t aware until we’re in a situation.

It sounds like you’re remorseful and regretting whatever it is you did. Holding yourself responsible for your behaviour is a sign of growth, and you should be proud that you’re not running away from that. However, it is better face the consequences (the emotional and mental feelings you’re having now) and grow from it, and learn how to never do it again, rather than just punish yourself.

It’s the difference between simply saying you’re a bad person and sinking into a bowl of pity and self loathing, VS actively identifying your shortcoming and working to be better. Feel your feelings, yes, but also use them to become a better version of you.

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Hi @mac000
We all make mistakes. ALL of us. We make people we love suffer unintentionally, we repeat mistakes that we should not, we lie when we should not, take your pick. We are all flawed and we feel guilty and sad because of them. The problem is that sometimes those emotions prevent us from becoming better people and we feel them too much. You are punishing youself too much and it harms you and it can harm the people around you. Self loathing is bad for you because it prevents growth. Please try to reach out and find help. A psycholigist can really help you find ways how to deal with those negative thoughts about yourself. Another thing that is simply tru is that you are nowhere near as bad as you think… Yeah, Really. I can tell, because a bad person usually does not feel guilty about the things that they have done so I dont think you are one. Please seek help and try to battle these negative thoughts. They hurt you and prevent you from growing. I am going to post a video here that might help a bit BUT try to seek help still. I want you to be doing better because you deserve it. And dont tell me that you dont because you do… No… No you do deserve to feel better. Why? Because I said it! You are a human being that is worthy of love, care and happiness as everybody else here. Remember that. Please stay safe. :slightly_smiling_face: Stop Negative Thoughts - YouTube

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Thank you so much. Your words mean so much to me like everyone else here. I think I use the word unintentional because I have yet to realize where things went wrong. what exactly I did to cause all of this. that’s where the confusion comes from. I dont think I’ll ever know or be able to clarify any misunderstandings since this person wouldn’t even breathe in my direction now. i guess I’m supposed to know. that’s what’s killing me at the moment. I dont know and I cant do anything to fix it.
thank you! I will take your words to heart.

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Thank you, your words are far too kind. and you’re right, we make those we love suffer “unintentionally.” but I’d been there before and never wanted anyone to experience the pain I once had, yet I did. I’m no better than the last person.
and I appreciate you for suggesting i seek help. I actually met with my therapist. Thank you for your positivity and for the video. You’re a light.

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Look again. Is there anything there you can really disagree with?

In the absence of related experience, the “should’ve known” statement doesn’t apply. You either know something or you don’t. The only way you should’ve known, is if you had a very similar experience in the past and understood that you’d made a mistake. Sometimes people have to make the same mistake more than once.

It’s a very good thing that you have taken responsibility. That means you’ve learned something and are willing to make things better if you can.

I’m glad to hear that you know you’ll recover. The question is, will this recovery include forgiving yourself?

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