I been thinking end my life, when my parents pass away. They only reason why I should be alive, and cant let suffer my illness. I will try my very best to be there for them. But I dont want to live pass 70 or earlier. I dont have mental strengh to even pay my bill or be an actully adult. My dad worries about that I wont make in this life.
Im been pretty a fuck up my whole life, I did not do anything with my degree, every band that I have in has fail and Im still mental abuse person. That part I never change and that why I dont want to start a family on my own.No matter how my prays or medition that side of me will always be there. I try meds and cbd it still is not enough at times. Im the weakness link that meant to be hated and look down.
It too bad im not brave enough to do it, but I know Im must stay alive for my parents. After that I plan just buy a posion, drive to my beach house, drink one more blue moon and just die at beach that fell love with. I wish I could have the strenght to do and I feel weak of having those feelings.