Wish I could go back

I apologize for this being so long but I’ve gotten to a point where I’m completely hopeless and don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I just need somewhere to vent. Last year I was with a girl I was completely in love with and thought she was too. We met through work and only dated a few months before we got our first apartment together because we hit it off so well. Maybe a mistake but at the time we were blinded by our infatuation with each other. It was probably the happiest time I’ve had in years and I felt I was actually headed somewhere in life. Had a place with a girl I loved, good job, brand new car and all that. Even through a global pandemic it was the happiest I thought I could be. A year and a half after we move in things got slippery with us because my depression I never fully addressed and handled started taking its toll and made me act out in ways I’m ashamed of. Starting petty arguments over dumb shit and becoming insecure. I was numb to everything and felt I didn’t deserve her. She broke up with me in February, took over the apartment with her friend and I moved back home with my parents. I left that job to start a career as an electrician. Things were going good as I was making more money than I’ve ever seen and me and my ex were back in communication with each other as she regretted the break up and admitted her unresolved childhood trauma makes her push good things away. I was fired from my electrician job without any reason and recently saw my ex at the store with her new boyfriend while she claimed to want to give us a try again. This years broke me and all I’ve been able to think about is wishing I could go back to last year. I’ve been trying therapy and antidepressants but haven’t been able to shake this feeling of wanting to give up. I feel completely alone and feel as if nothing will ever bring back that happiness I had.

5 Likes

Hey friend. I could have literally written something very similar to this a couple of years back!
It’s so tough, but it sounds like you’re doing the right things with going to get medication and therapy, well done!
I know it’s hard, but can you try stop communication with your ex? It sounds like, although you want to be with her, you both need to work on things, and instead of her doing that she’s jumped into another relationship but you’re going down the right path of getting help

1 Like

Thank you for the encouragement/reply. I didn’t think anyone would fully read through that. I’ve stopped communication for the most part however she wants me to take back the cat I got for her so unfortunately I have to somewhat keep in contact with her.

2 Likes

People will read it and reply if they feel they can connect to a post or say/offer something if they feel they have some input that could help or encourage:)
What are you going to do with the cat? Is she doing this so you can’t cut ties?

3 Likes

I plan on getting an apartment with a friend once I get a job and keeping her. I’m not a cat guy but I love her. Idk what my ex’s motivation would be as she’s shown she can be manipulative. She’s stated she wants to be able to come visit the cat and still help pay with vet bills and food. It’s a confusing situation.

3 Likes

Hey @970steven

The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here!

Hold fast friend, and lean on our community.

3 Likes

@970steven
I am so sorry this all happened in such a short amount of time. Loosing not only 1 job but 2 and it being ones your really loved to. To top all that loosing the girlfriend with which you had considered building a life with makes it even harder. I am so sorry. You are dealing with this stuff. I personally have had to deal with the fears of where is money coming from I dont want to live at home but where else do I have type situations. Even dealing with an ex can be so extremely toxic at times that it just hurts us. Can I ask if you two are on good terms with each other?

As for the loosing of so much can I ask is there something that perhaps you have held on to. Like you mentioned the car are you able to still have that car. Or like a specific thing that has gone through all of this. I did read later in your responses to someone about a cat that you got your ex but have still. To me it sounds like this could be a thing that you hold on to as long as it doesnt make you too upset over the loss of the girlfriend. I am sorry this is even a struggle because like no one deserves that. It is important to understand that hills and valleys will be apart of our lives no matter what we do. You arent defined by the lows or the highs but by the fact you have breath in the lungs you have. I know that perhaps wanting to go back to good is what we wish but that doesnt allow us the chance to have the true future that is around the corner. Personally I have sat asking I want to go back why cant I go back. But sadly I cant and now looking back at those times of wishing that I see now as I am glad that didnt happen because I now have a wonderful life with two wonderful dogs and some good friends and a partner I love. Yes life is still a struggle but it is now a chance to see what is to come. Fighting for the good is important. You wrote in a reply to someone about wanting to find an apartment with a friend once you have a job that is looking towards the future. It wont be easy but it will be worth it.

Something on mental health that I have learned is that it is not the giant steps that truly make you better or make it less apart of your life. The reason is that when you take giant steps you are more likely to miss or mess up so instead taking baby steps to goals that are smaller will help lead to something so much better. Dont count the steps as less celebrate the small things. Like the fact that you are seeing a therapist that is amazing. Dont set your self up to not reach the goal make them attantable but also challenging for you.

Hold fast we are here
Ash

5 Likes

Hi 970steven
I know last year has been tough for you. Job loss break up and other things. I want you to know that you are not alone who feels lonely and like nothing matters. Many people had felt like this but many people had also moved on and found meaning in their lives. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Depression is hard on everyone and there is nothing wrong with taking your time to recover.

About your ex. In my country we have a saying. Never walk into the same river twice. If your relationship didnt last through this crisis it was not meant to be. Try cutting your ex out of your life. She just keeps you in the past while you need to look into the future. Also keep the cat. She has no claim over her and if she didnt care about her for several months she did not love her. Just tell her that and be done with it. She cannot legaly force you to give her the cat and if she tries well just say the things you said to us and that will be the end of it.

I hope this has helped
Take care now
Bye

4 Likes

Hey,
You are not alone :slight_smile:
I’m sorry you had to go through such a rollercoaster, but it sounds like you have followed the right steps in this recovery. Just remember that time and distance is the best cure. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t give up!
Don’t let her leech back into your life if you have a feeling she’s toxic. Protect yourself and you happiness, because it will come back once that is all over. You love your cat, so she can’t take them from you, that’s your baby. things happen but if she’s causing you stress don’t keep staying connected to her. I have to cut people off alot shortly because I can see what will happen but I have to be quick before I give in. Find the signs before it happens again.

I hope things will get better for you soon, keep moving forward!
-Xaii

4 Likes

This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.