Metalskater1990,
Man this is so brutal to feel like there are so many reactions that are coming out of you that you have no idea why they’re happening. It’s not only terrible to feel like you’re the cause of others’ pain, but to feel like it’s such at odds with who you are, who you want to be, who you’re trying to be…gosh, it’s so brutal.
I can understand that tension because I feel a similar discrepancy between who I am and who I desperately want to be. I struggle with an addiction to porn, and I know that I love my wife with all my heart, and to feel like I am disappointing her, like I am causing her pain, like I am failing, is a really difficult tension to experience. Especially when I feel like I am capable of overcoming this and yet not on many days…it is a brutal tension to experience.
One of the things that I’m learning is to have patience and kindness for myself. It’s a process to become the type of person that we want, and it doesn’t happen overnight. Focusing on growing today and doing something to gain and keep momentum is more helpful than beating yourself up for not having already arrived. Applauding the nobility inside of you that is saying YES to improving, that is trying to become better, celebrating your victories and the little bits of growth that you experience. These things are really important. Life is a process nd if we only learn how to applaud ourselves once we arrive, we’ll never know how to take joy in our efforts. You are doing a great job right now, man. Trying to learn DBT on your own? Taking actual steps even when you don’t have access to professional help? Are you freaking kidding me? That’s MASSIVE. Most people give up when they don’t have a convenient way to improve, and you’re fighting for this. Way to go, man. You’re on the path. And that’s admirable. You’re in the arena. I know you’ve probably seen this quote, but you are this man:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
-Teddy Roosevelt
You’re doing it, you’re trying, you’re improving. Stay on the path. Appreciate the distance you’ve traveled. You’re a good man, deserving of love and acceptance as is. And you’re becoming more of the type of man you want to be. Keep at it, friend 
-Nate
sophic