Withdrawals, and online drama (vent)

AHHHH ok there is SO MUCH I need to get off of my mind right now. sigh ok so I guess I’ll start with withdrawals; you see, I used to cut and self harm a bit but I went to the hospital for a bit and got some good help. It’s been a couple of months since then tbh and sometimes I get thoughts like “I miss cutting”, “it’s been a while since I last cut, I should cut again”, and even thoughts like “I miss being upset” and “I miss all the drama” now I hate being called an attention seeker, i feel falsely accused and stuff… but the fact that I miss the drama and cutting and stuff… I always question whether or not I really am an attention seeker. I mean I don’t want to be!!! I don’t want to be toxic, I don’t want to be falsely accused, I don’t want to be an attention seeker, but at the same time it’s like I’m addicted to the drama… maybe it’s because I’d have a reason to cut if the drama and insults were there?? Idk it’s fked up and I fking hate it. I just don’t want to be an attention seeker and the thought of being one scares the crap out of me. I HATE IT!!! I just want it to stop… it’s just so confusing and I’m questioning myself, it feels like I don’t know who I am anymore. I hate it when people hate me, so I try to avoid all of that. But at the same time the thoughts come in saying that I miss it and it’s confusing af because I always get hurt with drama but at the same time I can’t help but miss it. IM NOT TRYING TO BE AN ATTENTION SEEKER!! IM NOT TRYING TO BE TOXIC!! Just… it’s too hard and I can’t figure it out. This year is just a cluster fk of madness and I don’t like it at all. By “this year” I mean since May 2018, when I got my first compelling suicidal thought. REEEEEEEEE and with my school forcing me to do like a couple of weeks worth of work in less than a day, knowing that I’ll fail a couple of classes, and my mental state with the withdrawals and stuff, I’m just stressed out. I want to sleep and when I wake up, it’s all gone.

Hey @Miststar, I get it about being an attention seeker. I get anxiety wondering if people see me like that. You want to cut but at the same time you don’t want to be toxic, and along with drama, it feels like attention seeking. It’s not, and no one had the right to accuse you of that. Your faith can silence the doubts. Post on here whenever you need to vent. And good job at not cutting! It can be hard I know but remember what you are fighting for. Take a breath, this won’t last forever.
Hold Fast, we believe in you

PS I swear I’m not trying to be a creep, but where do you live? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I think I know someone like you and it might be you or not, but either way I’d like to know