12/21
Not sure where else to go right now where I trust others with my words so here I am. My therapist of three years is now gone without a word and I have to wait for a new therapist to be assigned to me. I don’t like this at all. I am not a fan of change and everything I entrusted to her I must entrust it all to someone i don’t even know yet. I’ll have to get over it though because things happen beyond my control and I have to go with the change regardless.
What makes it worse is the fact that I am in crisis right now, but I refuse to be in the hospital for the holidays…again. I’m anxious and irritable. I don’t want to be bothered by anyone.
12/22
I’ve been pretty depressed, but feeling slightly better today because I been getting back on my meds. I’m still pretty temperamental and defensive of my personal space. My coping is all over the place. Between setting appointments and continuing my meds during the day and drinking during the night. I somehow lost my connection with my boyfriend, but he doesn’t know that. I’m working on putting the connection back because I really care for him and he’s been nothing but a sweetheart. He’s dealt with two of my mental breakdowns in the best way he could and it helped me.
My mom handled this last breakdown better and did not overstep. Hell she actually apologized as did I because we were both wrong. But I am done with the girl I used to call sister. She drinks so much that she is lost. She started a fight as I was walking away in the middle of a breakdown I was having that was coming off as aggressive. I was addressing my mother (again, she recognized I was having a breakdown) and my sister just became a fucking monster. I can’t afford her to destroy my peace with her toxic approach to everything. Half the time she doesn’t even remember what she even did.
She causes a scene so often in her own home that her children says she’s throwing a tantrum. I just can’t be her enabler anymore and leaving it for someone else who might be able to get her some help. The mess up part is I’ve said this dozens of times, but I am completely done with her.
I’m sorry you have a monster for sister. It sounds like she is in need of intensive therapy. Distancing yourself from her sounds like a good decision.
I am very impressed with you, due to how honest you are with yourself. It’s also a mark of wisdom and compassion for you to forgive and appreciate your mom after a confrontation.
Your new therapist will have your chart, so it’s not quite as difficult as starting from scratch with a new person. You might hit it off really well with the new therapist. There is potential benefit in switching therapists, because each brings their own unique perspective.
It’s important to have both personal space and time. Not getting it can be a trigger for depression and irritability. Is it possible to schedule some quiet time, so you can relax and clear your mind? I take little breaks during the day or I stop and take a slow, deep breath, and stop thinking about anything for a few minutes. I also spend 20 to 30 minutes a day listening to relaxing music and meditating. A lot of people become frustrated about meditation because they think it means to stop their thoughts. What it really means is to quiet them down a bit, and allow the inner dialogue to stop every now and then. It also helps to gently guide thoughts towards something you find pleasant.
You mentioned meds during the day and drinking at night. Keep in mind, alcohol can contribute to depression.
I hope you get to reconnect with your boyfriend. Please check back in and let us know how you’re doing.
I have been able to reconnect with my boyfriend. He’s constantly making sure I am taking my meds and helped me with finding time for myself. I’m seeing more than just a boyfriend. He’s my best friend and my peace. Even when we fight he finds a way to keep the day from going sour. He supported my recent escapade of quitting my job since I was uncomfortable there and even helped me search for a job (management position) I would have never thought I qualified for. He helps with the kids and love them like they are his own. I couldn’t be happier and would be a fool to ever give him up.
My mom wants me to reconnect with my sister and I literally rolled my eyes. I would love nothing more to respect my mom’s wishes, but I told her my crazy can’t handle that crazy. I think I will give my baby sister the ultimatum of attending AA meetings with me so we can both work through our drinking problem. Strangely no one considers my drinking to be a problem, but I can’t shake the feeling of dooming myself or quite literally causing my own death accidentally even though it’d look like suicide.
All in all, I have been working to do better and stay the course until I am assigned a new therapist.
Please, if you ever do feel in a crisis situation-- there are different hotlines to get ahold of. Some, like 741741 you can text instead of having to be on a call to vent your feelings and stressors. I understand your pain and feelings about losing your therapist and having to change to a new one, I’m in that exact same boat. It’s extremely difficult.
It sounds like some of your stress might have been amplified with not being on your medication. With that being said, please be mindful that alcohol tends to make things worse, especially with your medication because it can cause it to not work as well, or even backfire with side effects. I’m glad that things with your boyfriend are starting to resolve and he’s helping you to stay proactive on your medication and self care.
Just remember, not wanting to reconnect with your sister isn’t anything you should find yourself at fault for. You’re allowed to have that boundary. However, you giving her an ultimatum to rectify her past experiences with you by attending AA meetings shows great character-- I’m hoping she’ll agree to it.
Please take care of yourself and I wish the best for you and your family. Take care.
Hey @grandmasterqueen, thank you so much for sharing these updates. Reading your two posts, it is absolutely astonishing to see how big are the steps you’ve been taking in between. The reconnection with your boyfriend and the way you communicate together, as a team, the way you’re considering your relationship with your sister that is made of healthy and caring boundaries, and your patient outlook on therapy. I hope you take some time to re-read your post one of these days to see how much you’ve accomplished during a time when you didn’t even have a therapist. That’s pretty strong.
On a different note, how is it going with your search for a new therapist? Would love to keep hearing some updates from you. Feeling like being without a safety net can be stressful and intimidating, although you’ve showned to yourself recently that you can also be your very own safety net, and you have plenty of resources within. I believe in you. <3
reading your first post and then the update post, I have to say it’s absolutely amazing the work you have done for yourself! YOU DID THAT! Can we take a moment to celebrate that?! it’s funny reading the initial post how so many things I was thinking of suggesting you had come to those solutions. Like making those boundaries with your sister and attending AA. I know those nights of drinking and nobody seeing it as a problem. But when it’s caused by emotional pain or stress, it’s like a blanket medicinal coping mechanism. It’s not really the solutions because you know as well as I do, the next morning can become even lonelier and harder. your boyfriend sounds like an incredible person to have in your life and I’m so glad he has been on this journey with you. You deserve that so much, and should be so proud of yourself. I hope this waiting period to get to a new therapist is smooth and I hope that once you do connect with one, that they create a space that feels safe and natural. It’s hard opening up and talking to someone you don’t know, you’re absolutely right! Sometimes it can even feel like step one all over again, but really how far you’ve come shows that you’re not starting over again, it shows that you’ve been able to keep moving forward and have an amazing ability to push yourself out of the dark. You are amazing! X
So I have a new therapist and have scheduled an appointment with her. I have so much to get off my chest and actually quite excited and scared to talk to her. I have this issue right now where I think my impulse control is really starting to get to me. I went a day and a half without have a drink and it felt difficult as hell. Even right now I feel extremely dull and bored and my intrusive thoughts are telling me to “have a drink to chill out.” I’ve also been having these heavy intrusive thoughts about trying drugs I’ve never done before. So far I am winning, but it’s started to feel like a matter of time type of deal. I also have this fear that if I share this with the new therapist somehow it’s turn into a hospitalization. Even with taking my meds the thoughts are pretty constant. I’ve jokingly told my mom and boyfriend. My boyfriend says it’s a no and my mom said she’s praying for me. I don’t know if they know I’m seriously considering it. I honestly don’t know what to do besides keep myself occupied.
If you tell your therapist “it’s more intrusive than anything” with those type of thoughts, they won’t report it. I’ve said that about suicidal ideation and never had an issue arise.
Have you tried finding pleasure in doing things that make you happy? Or trying new things? Here’s a list of a lot of new things that might help in these trying times while you wait! List of Hobbies {The Ultimate List of 1000+ Hobbies to Try}
Also, it may be wise to keep a mental health journal, and possibly write down when these thoughts occur, and at what times? That way you can track frequency. My therapist gave me this resource, it gives plenty of examples: How to keep a mental health journal - MHA Screening
It’s good to see you @grandmastrqueen. It sucks thought that these intrusive thoughts have been giving you such a rough time lately. At my very little and humble, I understand how it feels to know you have to push through regardless, but also that it costs you more and more energy to do so. It feels like holding to a rope that becomes more and more tight.
Given the circumstances, it sounds that this appointment with the new therapist will be welcomed. However it makes sense to feel stressed about what you could say or not, especially when you have yet to know her. And on top of it, there’s this involuntary pressure from your family who doesn’t seem to acknowledge the depth of your struggles the way you’d like to. It’s a lonely place to be in, and once again I’m so very proud of you for reaching out now and seeking help – overall, for not staying alone with these thoughts and struggles. You deserve as many allies as possible right now, including this new therapist, if you are willing to open up to them.
As @lunxaire said, you verbalize things very well and with a healthy distance. You put appropriate words on what you feel, even if it also feels like being in the midst of an intense storm at the same time. You still manage to keep some perspective over it, and that may become something that will help you buil a bridge with your therapist. Opening up to them will be entirely your decision – we can only encourage you to do what is healthy is good for you, even if sometimes those decisions can seem scary. You know what is safe. You know what is healthy. You know how it is to not let the intrusive thoughts win – and all of this is worth to keep fighting. This is about your well-being, and if your intuition tells you that you need help, then it’s okay to ask for it. There is no shame or guilt to have.
If I may ask, when is your appointment scheduled? In the meantime, what are you used to do to keep yourself occupied? <3
My appointment isn’t until the 31st. I’ve been watching lots of movies and series. I went out to dinner with my son yesterday and practiced with my guitar a little last night. To be honest, I was drinking wine coolers and dancing in my floor to music I like. I also been sleeping a lot and window shopping on amazon. I honestly don’t really know what to do with myself because I’ve also had intrusive thoughts about the repetition of life and how exhausting it is. My anxiety has been on 1000 and my ADHD hasn’t helped any either.
Window shopping is so fun yet so hard at the same time. It definitely helps prepare you for when you need to make a purchase on something you’ve been looking at. But if you’re someone like me, you spend way more time wanting things and feeling down about not being able to get them yet.
We sound like two peas in a pod with the anxiety and ADHD. Are you finding yourself more unfocused in the ADHD aspect? Or overall overwhelmed? I find that when I have a lot going on, I get executive dysfunction badly. It’s like, oh boy I have this and this and this and this to get done, but I want it all done around the same time! It leads to burnout-- and only makes you worry more.
I’m glad to hear that you’re spending time with family and revisiting things that made you happy. You sleeping a lot is your body telling you that you desperately need to relax and rest-- and from the sounds of it, you’ve already taken the first steps to do that. I’d advise, while waiting your appointment, to keep striding to these things that make you happy. But, please do in moderation when your body’s telling you it needs to rest.