Not sure where to start, but just want to say I feel like I’m failing my brother and dad. Letting go of my mom has been so hard and I don’t know how to make the final cut with her. I’m hanging on by what I would describe as a piece of floss and I’m at the very very end, gripping on, white knuckling it, because I’m afraid of her and I’m scared to let go and not reply anymore and block her and I’m scared of what it’ll do to my relationship with my dad and brother. I don’t know if I should write her a letter telling her I’m done, send a message, just not reply, I have no idea. I’ve been reading a lot of Reddit and Quora videos, watched videos on people experiences, what to expect, etc. literally anywhere where you can find info on the topic, I’ve seen 99% of it. This is so stressful to me and is a burden. I feel like sometimes I overreact by taking steps to cut her off and that she’s changed, but then, like I mentioned in my previous post, YEARS of trauma show for it. I’m past the forgiving stage, it’s done SO MUCH DAMAGE to me. I think about experiences from growing up and I get confused if I truly was abused or not and I’m realizing more and more that, if it was traumatizing to me and changed the perspective of my reality and shaped me differently, then yeah, it’s worth being upset over. I’m so angry. I’m so angry that I question the abuse I encountered, the harassment and manipulation I went through. I get angry over the confusion I feel over whether it classifies as abuse and trauma. I am so angry that I can’t even grasp the concept of thinking about the trauma and second guessing it. I’m so angry at my mom. I’m so so angry. And that’s not who I am, I am a peaceful loving, con confrontational person, but I hate her. I really do. I hate how she makes me feel and how scared she makes me. I hate that she scares me. I’m so angry, it’s all I can type. I feel like my anger isn’t understood and listened to. I hate how I act when she makes me angry. I am never like this. She makes my blood boil, even when she doesn’t do anything. When she sends a message, even if she is being nice, I burst into tears. I’m so over it and I’m so tired. I am so tired
Oh, @nicole_kaley, dear friend. I’m so sorry for this intense, emotional storm that you are going through right now. You feel deeply conflicted between the affection you’ve been having for years and the growing realization of the pain you’ve been put through. It makes absolutely sense to feel that way.
Please know that through all of this confusion and intense feelings, you are absolutely not crazy and you are not going to lose yourself in it. You are not going to be someone you’re not. These are all valid emotions, including anger, even if it’s not been part of the emotions you’re used to feel. It is okay to feel the way you do. It doesn’t make you a bad person, or a monster, or someone unkind. What you are experiencing right now is a feeling of injustice and a type of grief that is immeasurable. You are not alone and you are not going to be alone, friend. There will be more peace and clarity beyond this storm, even if it’s really hard to see it right now.
Two years ago I was in the exact same state as you regarding my mom. I couldn’t see her anymore beyond the pain and traumas she inflicted on my siblings and me. When I was thinking of her, or interacting with her, or anything related to her, I would feel this huge knot in my stomach, just as if I was ready to implode anytime soon. It really felt like a ticking bomb and I knew I was really approaching some kind of transition that my mind was pushing away as long as possible. One day she messaged me, just a simple email but reading it made me feel really upset, if not angry. The thought of sending a letter or message to cut ties was already on my mind but I wanted to find the right time. But to me the right time happened when I realized that there really isn’t a good time for this, except that feeling at the end of our rope is definitely a sign that something needs to change. I sent her a poor message on Facebook, a platform that I don’t even really use nor like, and blocked her from my socials and emails. It’s been one of the hardest decisions of my life, and I still have a hard time to accept it today. But it has allowed me to have time to focus on myself, heal, see a therapist and grow in ways I thought I never would.
I understand that all of this is just one story in the middle of others that you can read online. What I mean with it is that you are not alone my friend. You can rely on us here during this difficult time, as much as possible. I can’t tell you what to do, how to proceed either, but I can encourage you to listen to your intuition as it clearly seems that there is a part of you that knows what you need right now. Your well-being is so important, @nicole_kaley. Your inner peace, your healing, your time… it will never make you selfish to put this as a priority. To put YOURSELF as your very first priority. You have endured so much. Whether your mom did things intentionally or not, it is not your fault and you are allowed to take time on your own to process and heal at your own time, on your own terms.
For me staying away from my mom was necessary because I couldn’t do it all at once - dealing with her and processing childhood traumas. Maybe one day I will talk to her again, maybe I won’t. But in both cases I deeply felt like it was impossible for me to move forward if I was feeling constantly pulled backwards just for interacting with her. I felt bad, I felt so unfair to her, I still cry for her sometimes because I see her as victim of her own traumas too. But understanding doesn’t mean excusing, and if forgiveness there is one day, then it cannot be forced either.
Any decision you would take regarding your relationship with her will be valid. You are not a bad daughter or person for feeling the way you do. You are a human being who is hurting. You are not wrong. You are not at fault. You are actually in this incredibly hard position of being a cycle breaker of traumas within your family. You are not alone, dear friend. I’m standing with you and rooting for you with all my heart. Please don’t hesitate to DM me if you need too. You don’t have to carry this just on your own.
For what it’s worth from me, I’m so, so proud of you. It takes so much strength to acknowledge pain we’ve been carrying for so long, generally silently. You are not broken. There is a life beyond all of this, even if for now it certainly feels like a giant pile of knots, a mess to deal with without knowing where to start. By being yourself, by being YOU, you can’t be wrong. Sending plenty of hugs and love. Thinking of you today. <3
Thank you so much for your kind words. What you said really does help a lot and sharing your story made me feel like I’m capable of going through with this. I’ve decided that when I do it, I’ll send a message to my dad and maybe brother (I don’t want to drag him into this but idk I may send a small, vague note to him) telling them they can talk to me if they choose to, but I’d love to keep a relationship with them, even though I’m cutting my mom off. That way my dad can decide what he wants to do, I just hope he respects my boundary. He wants to keep the piece and I bet he’ll try to get me on a call with her or something, but that’s a problem for later. Thank you for responding and giving your advice. I do feel more at ease, it’s just a scary thing to go through. It’s really frustrating, especially since it’s hard for others to relate cuz they haven’t been through this and don’t understand the grief that comes with it. Thank you for being such a good friend, I appreciate you so much
Hello @nicole_kaley. I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I trully do. I’ve been in a place where I type that I am angry and tired repeatedly and it was nowhere as intense as you expressed. It also shows a person who is independant and wants to take the reins of her life. And that includes managing relationships.
I feel your choice to let your father know you are taking this decision and allowing him to act on it shows a great deal of trust and if you trust him so then that relationship is worth keeping alive. The same applies to your brother.
Lastly, but perhaps more importantly to me. I percieve that conflict you have as a non-combatant person and the inner storm you experience. Feeling anger and even hatred does not take away that quality from you. It’s the way you decide to act that talks much more of you. Creating a boundary and setting a healthy distance is an excellent way to answer to recurring conflict.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to others. This community is here for you.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this situation. I can imagine that it’s causing so much stress for you.
I know I don’t know you personal experience, but I do know that feeling of just being so so angry at someone for hurting you and disrespecting you. When they manipulate the situations and throw the blame back at you.
It’s so hard breaking those ties with someone, especially when there’s other people you care about still involved in their life. And even more so when it’s family. You do deserve respect and deserve to be free from that trauma.
I also saw you mentioned perhaps writing a vague letter to your brother. Which sounds like a good idea as it gives you the opportunity to have your voice heard before someone else can speak on your behalf.
Is you dad and brother usually supportive of you?
Living in another country, do you have a support network around you? Some good friends?
I do hope that your dad and brother can respect your boundaries and not try to navigate the situation of trying to make you engage with her. We don’t owe the people who hurt us anything. We don’t owe them our time and our energy. We don’t owe them the honour of hearing them out. Sometimes we have to do what is best for us.
Understandably it can be hard and it can hurt.
You are a beautiful person, and kind person. You are a deserving daughter and sister.