tags won’t work so TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts
i hate working at a dollar store in the city. i get that people are going to be rude everywhere but i can’t handle retail. “it’ll make you stronger” is what people tell me but when i go through stuff like this it only makes me want to kill myself and/or become blank and lose all emotions towards anything even if it’s a good thing.
the manager had never liked me ever since i started and continued to keep a rude and annoyed tone with me over even small things and she never did that to anyone else when i hear her talking to others. i get that some people just won’t like you but i was already feeling suicidal that day so it didn’t help. it also didn’t help that she was being aggressive and slammed a roll of coins open on the register and stormed off. i cant deal with that because it reminds me of trauma and i almost cried in front of customers.
i want to hurt myself so bad, i’ve been wanting to for about a week. i’m not going to tell anyone, especially since after i moved i get little to no time with my boyfriend and friend, won’t waste it with being a burden.
why do i have to waste my life away working. i only work part time and i already don’t have any motivation or interest in things i love and when i worked full time i didn’t have time and even when i did, i couldn’t do it because i was so suicidal. why do i have to do this with the only life i have? what’s the point? i’m going to get old and then die in a nursing home without having done anything i wanted because i’ve just wasted my time working until i’m too frail to live. why do i have to be stuck not doing anything i’m passionate about. i know i’m only 20 but people my age (and younger) are releasing music and art and becoming successful doing it. why do i have to do this? my hobbies are expensive and i can’t do anything.
hope this helps.