So when I say I’m jealous or spiteful I’m not like a cartoon villain in the shadows trying to show up or one up my friends and people that have done me wrong. But it’s the fact I’m having trouble those have wronged me especially in relationships and when it comes to the man who assaulted me and another ex who was emotionally manipulative. I’m gonna be honest for all intensive purposes I want to see their worlds burn I want them to feel as low and as scared/ashamed I have. And when it comes to jealousy it’s usually about my friends being able to get into romantic relationships before me. For example, I have a friend I’m going to call Lynn, she’s a very good person but in emotional situations she’s extremely erratic and can be toxic and destructive emotionally and will do petty back and forth it her girlfirend makes her mad, and says a lot of hurtful things she doesn’t mean… yet she’s been in a relationship for nearly 6 months and constantly has people vying for her attention. Even though she displays this emotional immaturity. And it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me.
There’s not something wrong with you, you are just different than her. You are unique and if you need to be in a relationship, than someone will come if they are truly right for you. They would love you just the way you are because just the way you are you can be loved.
Hey @cxbachx,
For what it’s worth, I think that what you feel is really normal and valid, especially because of what you’ve been through before.
First, this anger that you have against those two people who hurt you in the past is, should I say, a very human reaction. I was assaulted, and it’s a journey to learn to deal with the emotions attached to it. Anger, if not very present in my case, has been there from time to time. Sometimes, it was against the people who hurt me. Sometimes against all men, just like a package, I’d think and believe that all men have bad intentions, for no other reason than the deep pain I felt. Sometimes against the entire world, that I can’t help but seeing as filled with a lot of injustice, and it breaks my heart. And sometimes against anyone who have the chance to live a life without carrying the burdens of past abuses. Because it brings me to the question: why me? Yes, it is unfair of me to think like this sometimes. But does it mean that something’s wrong with me? Not at all. And the same applies to you, friend.
You are facing an emotional storm that takes many shapes. It’s okay to feel anger or jealousy. It’s okay to compare your situation to others. Somehow, it’s the reflection of your pain. It’s how you’re processing it, acknowledging it. And there is something beautiful in your message: you are aware of how you feel, and you know that it wouldn’t be a good place to be stuck in. This gives you an opportunity to work on those feelings - with your loved ones, or on therapy. You are not a bad person. You are not doomed to feel like this forever. You’re a human being who’s processing some heavy things and learning to live with how it makes you feel. Your heart is grieving. That’s totally okay.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You are not doomed to stay alone forever either. And I want to encourage you to give yourself some grace through this healing process. Time, love and self-compassion are needed.
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