I am nothing. I am worthless. I am nothing. Worthless. Not deserve of love. Not deserve of care. Not deserve of anything but pain. I’ve done nothing that matters. I will do nothing that will matter. I am worthless. I am worthless because everyone is better than me. I am worthless because I am worse than what is acceptable. I am nothing because I can’t even fight one of these thoughts. I can’t even get better in six months not even a little bit. Haha. I just waste everyone’s time. I am not even worth a grain of sand. Nothing that I do is good enough. Nothing that I say can make up for my mistakes. Nothing that I do can make up for it. Me being clean is worthless because I’ll break. Me existing is worthless because it hurts others. Me trying to get help bad because it waste time. Can’t fix the unfixable. I don’t matter. I don’t matter because I’m a waste of space and a waste of resources. I am a worthless piece of shit. Everything that I do will be worthless. Everything. Haha. Hahahahaha. God I really don’t matter. I really don’t deserve anything. I deserve all of this. I deserve all this because of all the mistakes that I have made. I deserve all of this because of all the things I’ve done. I don’t deserve the help I’ve gotten and I don’t deserve the help I get.
I self harmed again. Like the worthless piece of nothing that I am. I am nothing but still pain. Haha. I am nothing without it too. I am nothing with it. I am just nothing. I will always be this nothing that tries but fails. Because I’m a failure. I’m a failure of a human being. I am nothing. I deserve this punishment. I deserve this pain. I am nothing. I am nothing. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha. I deserve nothing but this pain. I won’t ever get better because I’m too worthless. Too far gone. Too much of a nothing. Worthless. Nothing. Unlovable. Unworthy. I don’t deserve anything that I have. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve anything. I deserve more pain. Everyone is better than me. I am always in the wrong. I am always the one the should take the punishment. I’m always the one that should die. No one else. Only me. I’m the only one that deserves that. I am the only one. I am nothing. I don’t even have the potential to get better or change. I don’t have that. I have nothing because I am nothing. Nothing but a worthless piece of shit that shouldn’t be breathing or be here to hurt others. It’s better if I get hurt then others. It’s better if others get help than me. It’s better that others exist than me. Because I am worthless. Because I only hurt others. Because I only fail. Because I’m only a nothing. A nothing. A thing that shouldn’t exist. A thing that hurts others. I’m not even human. Human is far above me. I am the grain of sand but worse. Because at least if you get enough grain of sands you can make something. But get too much of me and it only hurts you more. It only hurts others. It only fails more. I don’t deserve all these chances that people keep giving me. It’s why I fail myself at them. It’s why I shouldn’t be here. It’s all because I don’t matter and don’t deserve anything. haha. I made too long of a post. I shouldn’t have even made this. I’m sorry.
That’s a lot of self-hatred. Though I understand that there are circumstances provoking these thoughts, which is a self-harm relapse. It’s tough, friend, and I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. You are not worthless, broken, a waste of space or resources. But I hear you. And what I hear is someone who’s hurting. Someone who’s disappointed with themselves. Which makes sense, because there’s a part of grief with any relapse of any kind. But please make sure not to turn this energy against you. No one is perfect. No one has figured out everything in life. We all struggle in our own ways, and it takes a lot of strength to admit it as you just did right here, and as you did before. We all try, we all fail, we all learn. That doesn’t make anyone worthless. Only human.
I’m proud of you. Still. This relapse doesn’t change that. And it doesn’t say anything about your worth. Please be gentle with yourself, even if it means to just allow yourself to cry or punch in a pillow for now. Acknowledging and feeling your worth is a learning process. Now is a rough time, but you are not defeated. I believe in you and I have hope for you, even more during times when you don’t feel any. These struggles and difficult times don’t define you. They just happen to be part of your journey. So let’s just get through today together, then tomorrow. One day after another.
I wrote the first phgarh before I relapsed. This is the amount of self hatred I have on a daily basis. I just don’t let it show even on here. I have ten of dozens of notes longer than this with the same language. It doesn’t end. It never ends.
My bad for the misunderstanding. However, the rest of the conversation you remains the same.
I’m really glad you started to show it here. There’s nothing more damaging than keeping our dark secrets for ourselves. It creates an isolation that you don’t need nor deserve.
It doesn’t end. It never ends.
It does. But it takes time. And while you learn to heal, there are many times when it feels like moving backward as well. Overall it’s made of many small steps that pave the road for something different.
What could be your next step tomorrow to counteract these thoughts? What could you do tomorrow to show yourself some love, or at least some grace, instead of hate?
There’s no step that would be too small, by the way. Whether it’s talking to your therapist, dedicating 5 minutes for YOU and doing something you enjoy, writing down something positive about you or your life… every step counts.
Nothing that I do stops it. It’s just always there. It has been there since I can remember. I’ve even have tried fighting one thought but when I try millions more come to reaffirm it. I could show you some many of the notes. So many.
Alright. Would you like to give a try to sharing these with them? This could be your next step. And something you can absolutely share here as well afterwards.
It’s okay to feel lost and like your efforts are leading nowhere. Honestly I’ve felt and feel that way too… way too many times. But that’s also the role of your therapist: to offer some guidance and steps to follow, decided with you.
I’m going to see a new therapist as well next Tuesday. Sounds like, maybe, next week could be an opportunity for another step toward self-love, both for you and I. What do you think about it? <3
I meant how it went, but if any time you want to share these notes here, like as a journal entry, you are ABSOLUTELY free to do it. If this can just help a little to break any wrong feeling related to these, or just some kind of isolation due to it, then please never hesitate to share what you need. If you don’t have any space where to do it, here is the right one.
Well regarding “how”, you can just create a post (as said above, I’d suggest one in the “Journal” category if it’s more about sharing without expecting in-depth conversation or practical support regarding the content) and share the note as it is. If it’s digital already, a copy/paste is enough. If you want you can just add a little note at the beginning saying that this was written at a different time and you feel that it would be helpful to share it. Totally okay to keep it simple.
