Hello all. I was searching the net for worthless groups but there doesn’t seem to be such thing. At this point in my life, I’ve become well aware of the fact that I am worthless in several areas. I don’t need help because I cannot be helped. I just want to talk to some like minded individuals or people who feel similar to the way I feel.
Well, it all started in grade school. I was the fat kid with no friends. As a matter of fact, I was everyone’s enemy having done nothing to anyone. I would be kicked, punched, beaten, and called names daily. I would become the main star of the old show “Cops” theme song except the lyrics were changed to “fat boy, fat boy, whatcha gonna do”. At recess, I would be cornered by five kids and have small rocks thrown at me while my only defense was my hands and arms over my head.
Moving onto middle school and high school, it wasn’t much better. They didn’t throw rocks any more, but they still called me fat boy and would run up to me in the hallway and punch or kick me with full force. Throughout high school, I never had a girlfriend. I never got invited to parties. I never attended a single prom. Hell, I never even bought a year book. I never wanted to remember a single moment of that miserable existence and so I would make sure I did everything in my power to at least try to forget it.
Now, as a 31 year old man, the bullying has stopped only because I’m an adult and no longer around immature kids who can do that to me. Instead, the bullying has simply turned into utter loneliness and bitterness to the world. I started lifting weights at the gym 2-3 years ago. I promised myself I would get into bodybuilding as a means to get a prime physical physique and maybe attract more women. I got myself onto a strict meal plan that is high in protein in carbs in order to try to pack on the muscle. I still follow this plan today and on some days I go to the gym twice a day. Somehow, despite all my hard work, I am still fat and mostly unmuscular. Some of my friends and family tell me I’m “huge” in reference to the size of my arms and chest, but I don’t see it. When I look in the mirror, I see a bald, ugly, worthless heap of a person.
I have absolutely zero confidence. Actually, my confidence is in the negatives. I have signed up for every dating website known to man, both free and paid alike. I am addicted to swiping on Tinder and Bumble constantly throughout my day in hopes that one day, a pretty girl will swipe yes on me and talk to me. It never happens. Every once in a while when I do match with somebody attractive, my message simply gets ignored as if I do not exist.
Every once in a while I’ll go to some bars with my friend, but I’m not good enough for anyone there. I’m a pathetic person who isn’t worthy of anyone’s time. Often times I will avoid eye contact because I know that I am not worthy to look into their eyes, yet alone attempt to speak to them. Sometimes my friend tells me that girls are looking at me…He said one night that there was a girl who stared at me the entire night at the bar, but I disagree. I told him he must be confused, that she probably was just looking in our direction but focused on someone or something else.
My struggles and self worth stem from my childhood, but they are further validated through my dating perils. After what seems like a decade of rejection by women online, I finally understand my place in this world; I have none. I don’t belong here and often days I don’t want to be here. People don’t want me, so I should spare them the sight of me. I want to deactivate all of my profiles, but my natural human instincts as a male tell me to continue seeking a partner and so I can’t stop…only continue to torture myself further until maybe one day I truly won’t be able to take it any more.
Suicidal thoughts or thoughts of death whiz by in my head daily, like cars blasting down the freeway. They are like automated lines of script that play themselves over and over in my head, every now and again on most days. Could I ever kill myself? Probably not. Would I ever truly want to? Probably not, but at what point in time could the answers to these questions change? As I continue to live this wretched life, maybe one day I will crack. Maybe if that day comes I will find the peace and tranquility that I seem to be longing for.
The people in my life that know me well hold me to a pretty high regard. One of my best friends tells me randomly on occasion that I’m a “good guy” and that he never wants anything to happen to me. Ex girlfriends of years ago will sometimes chime in with nice words to say. My cousin and other friends will also say I’m a good person with good intentions. All of this praise from those close to me, yet I cannot be given a chance by new females. At first I didn’t understand…I was confused and thought some little thing was out of sync. As time went on, I realized my confusion was a cold reality. Women really and actually don’t want me.
This is me, and this is what I have to say. I’ve never truly been heard, and so maybe this was just a message for myself. I apologize for taking time out of your day to those who have read this post. Obviously dating plays a major role here, but even despite that I never felt good enough. I was never comfortable or happy in my own skin. And so I ask this universe…Am I cursed? Why do people hate me who don’t know me? Why have I been chosen to be so worthless and undesirable?