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Worthless problems about a worthless person

I keep having these thoughts.
Why won’t she talk to me like she talks to them?
But then my dumbass mind says:
I hope she doesn’t talk to me

I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. My family is going through so much right now and I can’t-I haven’t had time to process everything. To cry. To laugh. To smile. To fight. To argue. To feel.

My brother had an affair with my ex-SIL’s best friend and he’s super depressed because the best friend claimed that she didn’t actually love him. My mom decides: oh! Wow! What a great time to bring out my whole tragic past!

So she sends an email to me and my younger brother. One that she wrote to my older brother in 2013 because he was doing some stupid shit or whatever. I don’t have the guts to tell her that I don’t actually care. Which I know is bad. But I can’t help it. Her whole situation is boring to me. So I read a couple of paragraphs then I just stop because I’m like starting to fall asleep. Then she just tells me to give her my phone because I wasn’t doing what she wanted me to do with it. (I’m grounded, btw)

On another note: I’m also very excited that something big is actually happening in my life. Nothing exciting has really ever happened in my life. Is it weird that I want trouble? That I want to be affected by the bad things in life? I just want to learn more, I’m curious about everything and how this would affect me when I’m older. I want things to happen because I don’t know if I can survive in this world when I’m gone from my parents if I never had anything happen to me. I constantly want my parents to maybe get a divorce. Maybe someone in my family so get killed or kill themselves. Or I want something to happen to me, I uh get abused or raped or something because I want this knowledge in the future to help me make decisions and help other people. Because I feel that I can never truly help people if I never went through something like they went through.

Also, anyone reading this should go to WEBTOON, look up Revelation Of Eros, and read it. Because it’s the one time in my life that I remember where I actually sobbed uncontrollably naturally. When I cry, I usually really have to try, and even when I do really try…I can’t.

Just yesterday, I was listening to Words Fail from Dear Evan Hansen-a song I always cry naturally to-and I didn’t even shed one tear. Not even a fake one. Am I incapable of actually feeling things sometimes?

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Pumpkin-Panda,

This is super interesting…

To feel like bad things are happening to those around you and to yawn at it, but to long for those things to happen to you because you feel it would substantiate you, to make you worth listening to, to maybe even make you more important…it feels like everyone who has bad things happen to them at least have a reason to get the attention they get…it feels like since nothing “That bad” has happened to you, you have no reason to get attention. You even wrote it in your title – worthless problems about a worthless person…it feels like if you had something “worth writing about”, then you’d be a more “worthwhile person”…but as it stands, it feels hard to talk about feeling invisible, hard to talk about feeling insignificant…and like you have no good reason for it, like you don’t even deserve to be in pain…so it’s really hard to write in and ask for help because, well, if anyone knew the problems you were facing, they would scoff and wouldn’t want to give you the time of day…in that sense it can be very vulnerable for you to write here, even though it’s anonymous, because you fear that someone will write back and say, “yeah that’s not that big of a deal, why would you waste our time?” Versus if there was something /actually/ bad, /actually/ wrong with your life, you feel like you’d “deserve” the support.

You know what’s crazy? If something bad happened to you right now…you’d still feel the same way as you do…because you’re training yourself to believe that you’re worthless. So even if something bad happened, you’d still believe you’re worthless and not worth being supported even if you did have something “wrong” go on.

It’s not about the circumstances, it’s about the heart.

Because to be honest, everything you’re feeling completely warrants support already. Feeling invisible and worthless and unimportant is literally what this place is built to talk about. You’re already qualified! But you don’t feel that way. Which means that even if things got worse, it wouldn’t change the way you feel about yourself. It’s not about things getting WORSE that changes that…it’s about seeking HEALING that will improve that.

Which, honestly, is also what you’re doing here! You’re asking for support, even though it was really hard. You’re choosing to be courageous when it would be easier to continue to hide.

Great job.

So, one of the things that I’ve found as a helpful starting place in this journey is to get curious – genuinely curious – about where your thoughts come from. No one comes into this life naturally thinking, “Wow, hello world, I am such a piece of shit!” Literally no one. I have three kids who are 4, 2, and 2, and none of them think that about themselves. It’s totally unnatural. They think they’re lovable and lovely. That’s the natural way. We LEARN worthlessness. So where did you learn it from?

For instance, my form of “worthlessness” is feeling inferior. And after some introspection in my past, I learned the belief that “I am inferior” from a few different places. I learned it from my peers who bragged about sexual conquest and lorded it over me. I learned it from women who rejected me. I learned it from my dad who criticized me. As I began to experience rejection in these different places, I searched for meaning behind it all. Why does this keep happening? Oh, it must be because I’m inferior to them. They are better than me. I am less than them. I am inferior.

What experiences have you had in your past that have helped you “learn” that you are worthless? Maybe spend some time journaling about this. The truth is they don’t have to be “big major” circumstances. I’ve talked to dozens of people about their worst moments, and more often than not, it’s just common everyday experiences like you and me. So don’t disqualify your pain. I don’t have any “Big moments” either, and I’ve come to accept myself for my story. The circumstances don’t really matter anyways – it’s the feelings underneath, the way we internalize them, the beliefs that we end up coming to as a result…that’s the true impact. And honestly, we’ve all been – for the most part – impacted the same. We are all broken, we are all wounded. So where were you wounded?

Once you find those things, it’s important to offer yourself some kindness and compassion…which is a lot easier once you understand yourself…you can start to see the way you act in life in response for how you’ve learned your own worth.

And an important note is that just as you “learned” worthlessness, you can RE learn a new way of relating to yourself…you can “learn” yourself as worthy. As worthy of love and time and attention. That is the path to wholeheartedness, and you deserve to walk that path. You deserve to not only BE loved (because you already are), but to BELIEVE that you are loved. You deserve goodness and connection and LOVE.

So start here! Where were you wounded?

-Nate

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I’ve never really been harshly criticized or anything. I’ve never really had anything horrible happen to me to make me learn to feel worthless. Then again, I didn’t just wake up one day and say:
Hey! I’m worthless!

I don’t know why I believe that I’m nothing. Maybe it’s the parents being so strict. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not as social as other people my age. Or maybe it’s something else’s I can’t think of at the moment.

I believe that a big part of me feeling and thinking this way is my knowledge. My knowledge of the world and everybody in it. My knowledge of TV shows and movies and games and the things that I see everyday on the news or outside. This world…it’s filled with bad people. With good people, too. I can’t help but feel so insignificant when I watch the news and see that these people are more important than me. They are seen everywhere. They are known. Most are making or have made an impact…a difference in this world. What have I done? What can I do? Will anyone remember me years to come? Kids in 3053 will possibly look at a history book and see all the people who have made a difference. They will learn about women’s rights, slavery, racism, lgbtq+, and so much more. Where will I be? Written on some grave that won’t be visited anymore? Or taken down because no one knows who I was?

It’s just a waste of space, let’s demolish it.

There are so many factors that can and will play into how I feel and how I think until the day I die.

There is also another major thing making up most of my thinking. This world. This Earth. It’s made up of 7 billion people. I am only one. And those 7 billion people. They live on Earth. And Earth is just one of the planets in our solar system. And our solar system is only a small part of the Milky Way galaxy. And the Milky Way Galaxy is only one tiny galaxy among trillions of other galaxies in an infinite space.

This really makes me question how anyone who knows this can just stare at the sky and not feel so small. So worthless. This also makes me question why some people don’t believe in aliens. Like…an infinite space with galaxies, some similar to ours, with probably planets similar to Earth. Granted, we won’t meet these aliens. Probably. But like, they do exist. Somewhere. Light years away. But still somewhere.

That was off topic and I’m sure that I am almost done talking here.

You told me that I am courageous. I don’t believe that I am. I may act it but I never feel it. Sure, I am vulnerable writing things down here that I could simply write in a journal. But my mom is nosy and likes to read or look at everything I have and write down. And writing it here is better than the option to not write at all because I need to get this out. Plus, it really helps knowing that other people have problems and others on here provide support and advice. I like hearing advice and knowing new things. People like to come to me for advice and having people here give me advice helps me give them advice. You get it? Otherwise, I’d feel even more worthless than now.

Thank you for taking your time to read this and reply to my problem. It really means a lot to me that people want to help me with things like this.

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I see a theme here. I do not look up at the sky and feel small or worthless. I know I’m 1 in 7 billion people and don’t care what people do with my tombstone. I don’t even want to be buried. But I’m terrified that in the meantime, someone will think they’re better than me. Terrified that someone will do what I do better, that I’ll be seen as inferior. <— that’s my “button”. There’s something with you about insignificance. Where did you learn the belief that you are insignificant?