I keep having these thoughts.
Why won’t she talk to me like she talks to them?
But then my dumbass mind says:
I hope she doesn’t talk to me
I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. My family is going through so much right now and I can’t-I haven’t had time to process everything. To cry. To laugh. To smile. To fight. To argue. To feel.
My brother had an affair with my ex-SIL’s best friend and he’s super depressed because the best friend claimed that she didn’t actually love him. My mom decides: oh! Wow! What a great time to bring out my whole tragic past!
So she sends an email to me and my younger brother. One that she wrote to my older brother in 2013 because he was doing some stupid shit or whatever. I don’t have the guts to tell her that I don’t actually care. Which I know is bad. But I can’t help it. Her whole situation is boring to me. So I read a couple of paragraphs then I just stop because I’m like starting to fall asleep. Then she just tells me to give her my phone because I wasn’t doing what she wanted me to do with it. (I’m grounded, btw)
On another note: I’m also very excited that something big is actually happening in my life. Nothing exciting has really ever happened in my life. Is it weird that I want trouble? That I want to be affected by the bad things in life? I just want to learn more, I’m curious about everything and how this would affect me when I’m older. I want things to happen because I don’t know if I can survive in this world when I’m gone from my parents if I never had anything happen to me. I constantly want my parents to maybe get a divorce. Maybe someone in my family so get killed or kill themselves. Or I want something to happen to me, I uh get abused or raped or something because I want this knowledge in the future to help me make decisions and help other people. Because I feel that I can never truly help people if I never went through something like they went through.
Also, anyone reading this should go to WEBTOON, look up Revelation Of Eros, and read it. Because it’s the one time in my life that I remember where I actually sobbed uncontrollably naturally. When I cry, I usually really have to try, and even when I do really try…I can’t.
Just yesterday, I was listening to Words Fail from Dear Evan Hansen-a song I always cry naturally to-and I didn’t even shed one tear. Not even a fake one. Am I incapable of actually feeling things sometimes?