I’m a horrible person, wife, daughter, sister, niece you name it. I cant do anything right, I’m always screwing up some body’s life or day. I’m a major disappointment to everyone I know. I dont have any friends and cant make any becuase I’m not smart enough, or interesting enough for anyone to want to spend more than 5 seconds around me. I feel like my husband doesnt care about me or want to be around me anymore and wishes he never married me. He wont leave me becuase he doesnt want to feel like the last 20+ years was a waste. I just wish something would happen so I wasnt such a burden on people and I’d stop being such a disappointment. I was told many times in life growing up that I’d never amount to anything. I guess all those people were correct. I should have killed myself when I tried as a kid, but I was interrupted and wasnt able.to finish. I know no one loves me and they wish was I wasnt around. I wish something would happen to me to finally make everyone happy.
First of all, I want to encourage you by saying that you are worth so much more than you realize. I know it is cliche to say, but really you do serve a purpose in this world. As far as these feelings of worthlessness and how you view yourself, it is important to know that how you feel about or view yourself does not define who you truly are. How you think people see you or feel about you does not define you either. I think using the words “I am” this or “I am” that is an attempt to put false labels on yourself of what you think you are rather than looking inward and knowing who you really are. And who you really are is someone that is strong. There are things in your life that are blessings, you just has to realize those blessings. Also, it may not hurt to build up the courage to talk to your husband about these feelings you have and why you may be thinking this way. I know it sounds difficult, but reaching out is crucial to getting help whether it is difficult in the beginning or not, but it is the first step towards bettering ourselves.
I hope this helps!
It sounds like you feel incredibly devalued by everyone in your life and I’m sorry that you do. It also sounds like you’ve been experiencing this for a long time given your early suicide attempt as a child which is also super unfortunate. The system has kept you down for a long time… and fortunately you found yourself onto this forum which is renowned for its amazingly supportive community.
I feel … I guess… I know… these are all implied, things that you assume, without clearly knowing.
The reason I frame it that way is that your perception is skewed a bit by that darkness that’s been riding from a very young age. Asking those questions clearly without implying intent that you might be adding, would be the best way to resolve the concern specifically with your husband and everyone.
You are not a worthless person, nor do you not do ANYTHING right.
So starting with the small things, and this is silly I know… but small, like minuscule things… recognizing that those little things can really pave the way for a successful day/future.
Starting small like:
- today I got out of bed.
- today I walked to the bathroom.
- today I brushed my teeth.
- today I took a shower.
- today I fed my children breakfast.
- today I went outside.
- today I complimented myself, genuinely.
- today I did something for myself - because I wanted too.
I hope that makes sense. The intent is to pave the way for success. Starting small and building upwards to the larger things. Identifying a role that you want to be successful at is important - something small, whatever that might be - that’ll be your goal.
These small things are usually recognized in a gratitude journal of sorts, however you keep this is up to you. Some prefer paper books so you can doodle or fill in with keepsakes to mark the things you are thankful for or online/electronic, your choice.
Ultimately, as the @dbowlin stated, your perception is key. Changing that perception to ultimately the positive is important - kick that darkness to the curb. You are valued, you bring value but finding that value is tricky.
Much love and best of luck on your journey,
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