Worthlessness and extreme self loathing (TW: Suicide)

Thank you @anon17277947 for the TW

I am undecided on whether I want to die or not, really.

Its less that I myself want to die, its just so difficult to see my friends, who in these age where its painful to even dream a peaceful life, somehow show themselves starting bussinesses, getting straight A, becoming a valedictorian, either already born into or starting a happy family, never get assaulted, dont get traumatized no matter how horrific life fucks them over, never know what a mental breakdown is, getting scholarships, filling their social media with thousands of picture of themselves having fun.

“But RolledSeafood, they’re just PRETENDING that life is good, they must be suffering underneath, you cant compare yourselves!” Well I can for sure say that I WANT the luxury of pretending that everything in my lfie is fine! I want the luxury of passing as a normal functioning person! At least they have those, if nothing else.

I might not want to die, but I for sure feel like it should be legal for the goverment to execute me on sight. A useless child, failing at anything she do, average, dissapointing score, no connections to get to a good paying job, fat and undesireable, no desire to love anything and anyone, too much ego to live begging on the street or live in poverty like I deserve. No inherent value to keep me alive.

My parents dont keep my alive because they want to, its just illegal to kill me and they havent found any justifiable reason to disown me without getting frowned upon by society. They should have that right. People should have the right to exterminate me before I waste more oxygen, before I waste more resource on my fat disgusting body. I think its just fair. I’m so worthless. I don’t deserve to feel okay, I don’t deserve to feel safe.

If my corpse wouldnt be full so much rotting stinking fat and infectious fouls that I don’t have the heart to make other touch, I would have killed myself during quarantine. People out there, actual worthy, potentially successful people, need help and medical attention, masks and living resources. They need all that more than me. I should have died.

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It’s easy to compare ourselves to others and look down on ourselves when we aren’t quite where everyone else is. I know I have certainly been there. I can’t work a real job, I have major health issues, I can’t have kids, don’t want kids, I don’t have much to my name, I’m over weight. But a lot of my friends have talents and skills that I wish I had, have families, cars, houses and travel to places I could only dream of. But you know what? Just because we aren’t exactly where we want to be, or where those around us are, doesn’t mean we don’t hold value. It doesn’t mean that we are any less deserving of love, nice things and to be here.

I wouldn’t say they are pretending. But it is easy to overlook what someone may be going through privately when we are comparing ourselves to the things we don’t have and they do. Sometimes from the outside view, it can look like those around us have it good. They have all these nice things, love, families. But we sometimes fail to realize that things may not be all happy-go-lucky as it may appear. Looks can be deceiving. We don’t know their relationships behind closed doors, we don’t know their families or the details of their health. We don’t know the details of their private matters. Materialistic things do not buy happiness. It can suck to have luxury things if other things in our life are falling apart. The value of having that goes down when things are crumbling. You know? You don’t have to have luxury in order to have happiness and good health. Sure it’s nice to have nice things. Sure it helps. But happiness goes deeper than luxury.

You are much too hard on yourself my friend. You are not useless. You are not disappointing. Not having a better job does not take away from you having value as a person. You being overweight does not rob you of value either. Nor does it deem you unlovable. You deserve to be loved my friend. By others and by yourself. You don’t deserve to live on the streets. You are worth having in this world. You matter. Your life matters. And you deserve to be heard. To be supported. Even if you don’t believe it right now, it doesn’t make it not true.

That’s a terrible thing to say about yourself. I’m sure your parents love you. You are not a waste of oxygen. You are a human being. You deserve to feel okay. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to find healing and forgiveness. You deserve to be here.

All of these things you tell yourself are lies. Be gentle with yourself friend. Life not be as you want it right now. You may not be where you want to be. You may not be as you want to be. But that is not a permanent set in stone thing. All of these things can change. All of these things can get better. All of these things have a way of bettering and improving.

I know sometimes we have to step outside of our elements and comfort zone in order to change that, but it’s possible. Small steps.

I’m going to link you some things okay?

Master List: This is a list of several different circumstances and situations that a lot of us find ourselves in and with each one are some exercises to do. I encourage you to go through these and read the ones that connect to you the best. That hit home and try to do those exercises. It could be really healthy and help you connect to the deeper things that you are struggling with and why. What holds you back and why you think and feel the way you do. <3 You don’t have to post your answers on the wall if you don’t want to. But many of us have. You are welcome to share.

Resources There are a few resources here that you can check into. Books on depression and self harm. If you have access to kindle unlimited, even if just a trial, some of those books are available to read that way. The Kindle app can be downloaded to your phone.

BetterHelp: BetterHelp is an online counseling service that Heart Support is partnered with. You can use this link for a FREE 7 day trial. Even if its just 7 days, thats 7 days that you can talk to someone. I have used this and really appreciated it. And some of our Heart Support staff use it regularly.

I know you have stated that it’s less about wanting to die and just feeling like you dont’ deserve to be here (which isn’t true) but if you ever get to the point where you are feeling like you want to take your life, PLEASE seek help

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1-800-273-8255

You deserve to be helped and supported friend. You deserve to be here. I know I said already but I’ll say it again. You matter. None of us are perfect. A lot of us aren’t exactly where we want to be. But you still hold value.

Stay Strong
~Kitty :hrtlegolove:

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