Voices are messing with me tonight. About 1/2hr ago I was hearing commanding voices wanting me to hurt myself. I was scratched by my cat in a trigger area night before last and I’m very, very aware of it.
I hate when this happens, because it’s hard enough to fight off the normal urges from being triggered and to add voices telling me that I’m a piece of shit and to just cut because I “need to do it so the urges will stop” makes it 100 times worse. How do I fight them off when they are screaming and cussing at me?
I went to sit with my boyfriend but I didn’t tell him what was going on because he was with his Xbox friends playing a game. Just sitting with him makes me feel safe, so I didn’t think it was necessary. He asked me finally If there was something wrong, so I ended up just telling him it was under control, which it almost was.
I almost gave in, but I decided it wasn’t worth it and that the voices are lying to me. They are at a low mumble now and I can’t understand what they are saying. I’m hoping soon they will quiet down. With the voices come the tactile hallucinations… where you feel bugs crawling on you or something touching you that isn’t there (that’s happened a few times tonight) or sometimes the voices will tell me they are moving my organs around and I can feel it. I didn’t know until recently that was a tactile related thing. I just thought the voices were making me imagine it. I learned about it in group because one of the other clients has the same experience.
My primary diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder with major depression (It’s schizophrenia with a mood disorder. It can be MDD or bi-polar). I learned that the first week of my group therapy program. BPD is second, but in my opinion my major problem… what do I know though, I’m not a doctor.
Anyway, now it’s been 40 mins and I can barely hear them. Being mindful and writing here has really helped me. I’m learning a lot about mindfulness. It’s “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.” We have a guided meditation every morning and it calms me down and helps me breathe in a way that helps alleviate stress and anxiety. We try to focus on sounds and whatever is going on in the present moment including how our body feels and when a thought comes to mind that distracts, we just acknowledge it without judgement and turn our focus back on the present moment again. It helps with self-soothing and ruminating about the past or the future.
Group has been good for me and I’m learning how to better manage my symptoms and I’m also learning a ton about myself. A lot of it is not making sense yet though, so I’m going to stay the whole 90 days and hear it over and over again until I get it. After the program is over and I have waited for two weeks, I can go back into the program and do the whole 90 days over again if I want. Once you’re in, you’re in.
Thanks for getting this far, you are loved and are appreciated. I feel much better now that I’ve written all this out. Just posting and knowing that you all are here for me means so much to me.
PS I thought about not posting this, but figured I could use the support.