Yeah so something bad happened to me

tw - sa

i was um sexually assaulted 2 and a half years ago and i just keep realizing it i guess?

i keep trying to make excuses about it like “oh i think this happened but we were young” “we were dating” “it wasnt violent” i was 11.

it was by someone i currently consider to be a good friend, and i remembered it a few months ago and how uncomfortable and bad the whole thing made me felt and i sort of realized i never consented to any of it at all. there was no consent, she sort of forced herself onto me and then got mad at me when i refused and pushed her away, i dont know what to do

we were dating at the time so i think that make her think she got a pass, just the ability to do that but it didnt and i know that now and i hate it and it makes me feel so bad because i feel like i shouldve known right then what had happened but it took me 2 years to realize and that seems like such a long time not to realize and it just fucking crushes me and i remember everything so fucking clearly

and its so weird because we’re such good fucking friends now like shes my best friend and its like shes a different person but she did something like that to me and how can i possibly fucking forgive that?? i dont know how to think of her anymore its so difficult realizing all of this while shes currently still in my life.

and i asked her if she remembered the night at all and she just said no and that she was a bad person at the time and that shes sorry she “did something like that to me” and i talked about this with a good friend of mine and they were very supportive and helpful but its so weird opening up about this because i just want to pretend it doesnt exist and like its insignificant but it isnt because its left me with so much trauma and i can finally realize it seemed like a piece of me was missing

i dont know what to do, i feel terrible about this

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Hey @graciee,

It was not your fault, and it’s still not your fault for feeling confused and lost because remembering this brings so many conflicting feelings. Reacting at first with denial and somehow forgetting about it is often what happens when we are subjected to a potentially traumatic situation in which we’ve felt unsafe or threatened. Forgetting and denying is a way to protect ourselves as we don’t feel ready to face what happened or even think about it. So please know that you reactions and how you feel is absolutely valid and understandable in such circumstances.

I have myself have been subjected to sexual assaults throughout my life, and there’s still one occurrence that I intentionally push away because I don’t even want to think about the implications it could have to officially say “it happened”. There are situations that feel out of our reality, almost impossible to be real, even though we know deeply that it happened. Pushing it away is a way to hold on to the possibility that it wouldn’t be real, that we could live normally and move on without having to think about it. Unfortunately, there are emotions that need to be processed, a grief that needs to happen. You are acknowledging all of this today. It’s fundamental, but it’s also a lot to process and a lot to digest.

I’m proud of you for opening up about this, right here and to this friend as well. Putting words on what happened can be a very scary step, but it’s a powerful one to initiate your own healing. On top on it, asking her if she remembers and how it makes you feel was very brave of you. The fact that you were young does not change how you feel about it today - it’s still real and valid. Also the fact the you were in a relationship of course never justifies to act against your consent. We do not owe anything to the person we’re in couple with when it comes to sexuality and intimacy. It has to happen in a way that is reciprocated.

How do you feel about her response, if I may ask?

I’m so sorry this happened. Know that there is no shame or guilt to carry on your shoulders because of it. It was not your fault.

You’re loved. :hrtlegolove:

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thanks for your reply, its been really hard trying to tell myself I did nothing wrong, but im trying.

with her response, maybe its not right for me to say this but i took it as an excuse. she doesnt even remember the night at all, how could she apologize for something she doesnt even remember? its so vivid to me, the entire day and the entire night, the words she said, and she doesnt even remember it. i dont think she even remembers us dating, she referred to us as friends.

it seems like a cop out to me, i feel like sometimes you dont get to apologize for things, and i think this is one of them. its really hard because i consider her my best friend despite what she did, because i sort of just remembered recently, and i want to just accept it and move on but i dont think i can with this.

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Hi gracie, thank you for being so open about your experience. I know what it feels like when someone has done something and you haven’t grasped the full concept of consent or maybe even the full knowledge of what’s happening. Being so young, I don’t think our minds are meant to comprehend that sort of thing.

Your friend is still in your life you mentioned, do you feel like this friendship is healthy for either of you? Is this friendship something that’s going to keep bringing up things and causing you to reflect with no validation to your feelings.
Being so young we can often have an idea of what love and relationships are meant to be and what people in relationships are meant to do, but our bodies and minds aren’t fully ready for that. I’m so sorry that you didn’t have a say in how that played out for you.
Have you spoken to a parent or someone about these things? Maybe work through the thoughts and feelings that are coming up from it?

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Hi @graciee

I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this. Its really hard that your friend doesn’t remember too. I hope that you can talk to an adult you trust who can help you process this memory. Like a parent, school counselor or someone else who you feel safe to confide in.

Take care :rose:

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Hi @graciee ,
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience something that caused you such trauma. Expereincing that at 11 must be a tough thing to reconcile now, but your feelings and emotions are valid.

While you can’t force your friend to accept what she did, or make her remember, you do have control over what you do for yourself now. If it is distressing to be friends with her, then it’s okay to step back from being friends while you process this information.

It sounds that as you’ve grown a bit older, you are better aware of the importance of consent, and doing things with more awareness of what’s going on, and I hope that this new knowledge will also assist you in choosing to interact with others in a manner that makes you feel safe, and secure and respected.

I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now. You were very brave to share here with us, and I genuinely thank you for that show if trust in us.

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I think I’m gonna distance myself for now, take a step away from her. I think it’s too difficult for me right now to be friends with her while I’m processing all of this. I’ve talked to my mom about it all, and she’s been very supportive about it.

I didn’t plan on talking to my mom about it at all but then i just realized it was something I wanted her to be aware of, for many reasons. I think im feeling slightly better about this situation now that ive talked about it and worked out my plans about how to cut contact and that sort of thing. thanks for the help (:

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That’s a huge step! It’s not always easy opening up and talking about things, sometimes especially with parents, but it does take a lot of pressure and burden off us. You’ve done so well sharing that. It takes some people years and years to be able to.

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