“You’ll never have kids either.” Bit of a revenge from my gay friend whom I told something similar cause fun. He seems so okay with being gay. It feels like one can’t hurt him like this cause he actually embraces his homosexuality so much. In the meantime, there’s me a dude in mid-20s who’s never had a girlfriend. Apparently I never will have one or so it seems to the outside world. Just today as I was returning home from a doctor’s appointment walking up a staircase those words came back to my mind again. They hurt me, right when I first heard them and many times since. I looked at the window considering a jump. What’s a point of trying any further?
I have recently fallen in love. It’s a pretty new feeling for me, last happened when I was 12. The girl rejected me right away. I kept loving her as long as we went to the same school. I guess back then my fate was already signed. I have ADHD and with that comes this thing called hypersensitivity. Being in love for us who were born highly sensitive is not easy. I’ve been turning my romantic attention towards idols from other continents. Actresses or singers, any girl that seemed to catch my eye like only 1 in a milion can became an object of my “love” cause this kind of limited love perfectly limits the feelings that come with true love. Stress and fear of rejection. Being so consumed with our loved one that not knowing how they’re doing is physically painful.
I have recently fallen in love. The one in 7 billions kind, not the 1 in a milion. I first saw her on a bus. And she saw me. It feels like we operate on the same wavelength. A very positive one. I’ve seen her maybe 10 times. At work. She’s one of my customers so to speak. The day I fell in love was my worst in a while. Then she reappeared greeting me ever so properly. After a short exchange regarding a certain problem that arose we parted ways. She gave me her best smile and I definitely tried my best, too. I used to be told by girls in high school that I have the most beautiful smile. Not sure if that’s a good quality in a man, but I’m trying to smile at work and perhaps this girl likes it, too. Either way now I’m in love with her.
That means for days I’ve been stressing about how to let her know. How to make sure she spends the rest of my life loving me, someone not worthy of others’ love? I can’t exactly approach her. And even if I did- if I truly love her, I don’t want her ending up with someone as unfit as me. I had to move to my own place a few years ago cause my parents, they’re both great people, but together, it’s like a tornado meets a volcano. Especially destructive for kids with hypersensitivity. Hating myself because their own arguments, hearing my sister cry because they’re shouting at midnight. Witnessing domestic violence twice or thrice. Thankfully my sister and I are adults by now and found our ways to cope with it. She has alcohol, I have… nothing at the moment. That’s why I’m writing this after all. Sitting in my little apartment for hours listening to emo music and doing literally nothing. The loneliness is eating me up alive. I have many friends, but no one wants to spend time with me right now. No one wants me in their life right now. No one loves me right now. I already feel as if I wasn’t existing.
Perhaps my parents ruined my life. I may not look it but I’m as fragile as glass. They didn’t exactly handle me with care. My ADHD was never cured. Instead I was told I’m special and I’m gonna achieve great things. I mean, I speak four languages, have been to 30 or so countries, own a place to live and have a good job that I can do until I die. But what’s that good for me if I don’t have a person whose warmth I could feel when I’m cold. A person whom I would wanna give the world to and my heart on top of it. A person whom I could watch with fascination, love and admiration. What’s all that good for me if I can’t have what I actually need.
I’m usually a positive optimistic person. Tomorrow I might wake up thinking how beautiful this world is and how much I love life. I’m going to travel the world in a few days after all. My destination is Asia though so the recent coronavirus worries don’t help my mind either. And what’s worst for my mind is lack of energy. My job is awesome, but sometimes I have to wake up at 2 or 3 am. Like today and yesterday and two days before that. I feel like my head is gonna explode. The darkness isn’t just dark, it’s overwhelming. Unfortunately whenever I look at me and my life, I can find 2 bad things for a every good thing I see.
Sorry for such a long post to start here. I get that this isn’t probably usual so I’m very thankful if you’ve read until here. I just really needed to vent and well, I don’t currently have anyone. Anywhere. I’m alone in the entire universe. Just like galaxies have stars and planets have moons. I have no one.
PS I’m never actually gonna kill myself. But I hurt so much I figure I should.