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"You never will"

“You’ll never have kids either.” Bit of a revenge from my gay friend whom I told something similar cause fun. He seems so okay with being gay. It feels like one can’t hurt him like this cause he actually embraces his homosexuality so much. In the meantime, there’s me a dude in mid-20s who’s never had a girlfriend. Apparently I never will have one or so it seems to the outside world. Just today as I was returning home from a doctor’s appointment walking up a staircase those words came back to my mind again. They hurt me, right when I first heard them and many times since. I looked at the window considering a jump. What’s a point of trying any further?

I have recently fallen in love. It’s a pretty new feeling for me, last happened when I was 12. The girl rejected me right away. I kept loving her as long as we went to the same school. I guess back then my fate was already signed. I have ADHD and with that comes this thing called hypersensitivity. Being in love for us who were born highly sensitive is not easy. I’ve been turning my romantic attention towards idols from other continents. Actresses or singers, any girl that seemed to catch my eye like only 1 in a milion can became an object of my “love” cause this kind of limited love perfectly limits the feelings that come with true love. Stress and fear of rejection. Being so consumed with our loved one that not knowing how they’re doing is physically painful.

I have recently fallen in love. The one in 7 billions kind, not the 1 in a milion. I first saw her on a bus. And she saw me. It feels like we operate on the same wavelength. A very positive one. I’ve seen her maybe 10 times. At work. She’s one of my customers so to speak. The day I fell in love was my worst in a while. Then she reappeared greeting me ever so properly. After a short exchange regarding a certain problem that arose we parted ways. She gave me her best smile and I definitely tried my best, too. I used to be told by girls in high school that I have the most beautiful smile. Not sure if that’s a good quality in a man, but I’m trying to smile at work and perhaps this girl likes it, too. Either way now I’m in love with her.

That means for days I’ve been stressing about how to let her know. How to make sure she spends the rest of my life loving me, someone not worthy of others’ love? I can’t exactly approach her. And even if I did- if I truly love her, I don’t want her ending up with someone as unfit as me. I had to move to my own place a few years ago cause my parents, they’re both great people, but together, it’s like a tornado meets a volcano. Especially destructive for kids with hypersensitivity. Hating myself because their own arguments, hearing my sister cry because they’re shouting at midnight. Witnessing domestic violence twice or thrice. Thankfully my sister and I are adults by now and found our ways to cope with it. She has alcohol, I have… nothing at the moment. That’s why I’m writing this after all. Sitting in my little apartment for hours listening to emo music and doing literally nothing. The loneliness is eating me up alive. I have many friends, but no one wants to spend time with me right now. No one wants me in their life right now. No one loves me right now. I already feel as if I wasn’t existing.

Perhaps my parents ruined my life. I may not look it but I’m as fragile as glass. They didn’t exactly handle me with care. My ADHD was never cured. Instead I was told I’m special and I’m gonna achieve great things. I mean, I speak four languages, have been to 30 or so countries, own a place to live and have a good job that I can do until I die. But what’s that good for me if I don’t have a person whose warmth I could feel when I’m cold. A person whom I would wanna give the world to and my heart on top of it. A person whom I could watch with fascination, love and admiration. What’s all that good for me if I can’t have what I actually need.

I’m usually a positive optimistic person. Tomorrow I might wake up thinking how beautiful this world is and how much I love life. I’m going to travel the world in a few days after all. My destination is Asia though so the recent coronavirus worries don’t help my mind either. And what’s worst for my mind is lack of energy. My job is awesome, but sometimes I have to wake up at 2 or 3 am. Like today and yesterday and two days before that. I feel like my head is gonna explode. The darkness isn’t just dark, it’s overwhelming. Unfortunately whenever I look at me and my life, I can find 2 bad things for a every good thing I see.

Sorry for such a long post to start here. I get that this isn’t probably usual so I’m very thankful if you’ve read until here. I just really needed to vent and well, I don’t currently have anyone. Anywhere. I’m alone in the entire universe. Just like galaxies have stars and planets have moons. I have no one.

PS I’m never actually gonna kill myself. But I hurt so much I figure I should.

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Hey man I’ve dealt with the same issues. I want to love and be loved in return, and when I thought it wasn’t possible I would try to fi d ways to cope. Like porn or escorts, but let me tell you those things never helped. Finding someone is tough, I’m still searching myself.

I don’t know if you believe in God, but I do and I have faith that he’ll provide for me even when it doesn’t seem like it.

That girl you mentioned could be someone for you, but you have to realize that love doesn’t start right away. There’s infatuation but what happens when that’s gone? Love takes time, patience, and work, and in this world we live in that seems farfetched. Society will have you believe that the love you see in movies and tv is the real way. In reality someone you truly love will have those movie moments but also have difficult moments as well. Trust me I’m someone who deals with the same thing. I’m currently seeing a girl I like and want a relationship with her, but she’s not sure yet due to health issues. I want it instantly but know that it’ll take work. That’s one thing I struggle with because I think like you, what if I never marry or fall in love? Ask this girl out and if she says no don’t give up hope. If you do go out with her don’t expect instantaneous results. Get to know her talk with her and don’t come right out and say you love her. You barely know her.

Also, realize that you do matter, you have a purpose. I’ve had those suicide thoughts myself, but friends and this support wall helped me see value in myself. Maybe focus on being the best you can even in bad circumstances. You say who would want to be with me? You have to make yourself and have confidence that someone will be with you. Sounds crazy but it’s true. Don’t let a rejection or bad experience destroy your world, take it and push forward.

Look I don’t know if I have helped, but I love you and I want you to know that romantic love will come. You can do this and don’t worry about your friend. If he’s gay don’t let that bother you. If you believe it’s a sin tell him but don’t belittle him do it in a caring way. You plant the seed and let God take care of the rest.

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Hello, thank you so much for your reply. It actually helps a lot knowing that someone is feeling similar to me and they’re actually seeing someone. My fingers are crossed for you :slight_smile:

Thank you for reminding me that I need to keep my feet on the ground. I tend to fly up above the clouds fairly often, but can’t seem to find a way to stop. I need to learn that. I always had this concept of pure love to believe in and looking for that. You know, I’m only feeling this for the second time in my life. So surely I thought it stands for something, but perhaps it doesn’t. I’ll try to take the positives out of it, make it motivate me to become a better man.

I don’t believe in God, but I’ve learnt enough to understand why someone would. I believe in balance, in being good to others and the fact that each person perceives the reality in a different way. That’s why I don’t mind people being homosexual, I appreciate them in fact.

Perhaps 20 years from now you and I will cross paths at whatever place, both living happy lives with our wives and kids :slight_smile: let’s work towards that!

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Hi there,

I’ve been where you are, and I understand that it can be tough. I believe that love should not be life’s ultimate goal but rather a spice to it. It makes it sweeter, and tough times less difficult to go through, but that should not be one’s only reason to live. Think perhaps on what made you feel that way about this specific girl, and think about what you are looking for in a relationship. That might help :wink:

You said that you love life, and that’s great! Hang on to that, keep that love of life alive! As for the darker spots you find in your current situation, consider the reason for them, and how you can work with them (or around them) - and remember that they won’t last forever. As Dumbledore famously said in one of the Harry Potter books (Prisoner of Azkaban, I believe): “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one simply remembers to turn on the light”. I know you can find that light in each and every day. Music is a good one, for instance :wink:

A friend once told me that love comes to you when and where you least expect it. From experience, I can say they were right: a few months after ending a very unsuccessful attempt at a very first romantic relationship (mostly long-distance and base on a “yeah, that could work out” rather than a “damn, I really like that guy”), I met the most amazing man (who was struggling just as much as I was), now my boyfriend of 2 years. I hope you will find that person who hits all the marks for you, contributes to you happiness, and makes your life that much sweeter!

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Hey for sure man. I know that feeling too, and I hope you and that girl work out. I believe in pure love too and I want to achieve it. To me pure love is being able to love someone even when it’s difficult. I know that someone I love can still disappoint me, but if I truly love them I can see past it and do what I can to help and support them.

Man I’m glad I could help. I know my writing can be sporadic but I just write what I think haha. If you need anything reach out to me. Goodluck man=)

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