So with the 31st being on Wednesday I am not having such a good time with that. The 31st is a year from something that I still feel is my fault that I caused. Let me explain.
So a year ago I was gang raped by two men who told me some really not fun things. I identify as transgender (male) and these men noticed that and followed me out of a class. They had stopped me in the middle of an open grass area where they did some very not good things. The two men also said that they were doing that because I didn’t know what it meant to be women and that they were going to teach me. I remember clearly to this day the smells and sounds. I had been shoved down so I couldn’t see my glasses were off my face. The flashbacks are killing me and I feel like crap and right now it is worse than normal. This entire month has been so hard to just deal with the flashbacks and stuff. I really want this to stop.
I keep thinking this is my fault and that I deserve it all. It feels like I am just a band person so people treat me that way. I am tired of feeling drained and tired of feeling scared. I am dreading Wednesday because I know how many memories are there and the fear. I am just scared it feels like a scar I can’t heal. And it is cracking.
Hi there friend.
Lemme start off by saying that i’m so sorry this happened to you. None of it is your fault. You nor anyone in this world deserves that. I’m so sorry.
Friend do not be afraid of reaching out and finding a trusted counselor, pastor, friend, you can talk to about this.
I’m praying for you.
Heres a song i recommend you listen to:
Matthew West-Mended
Hold fast. I’m praying for you.
Hey friend, just wanted to tell you that nothing that happened to you is your fault, and you do not deserve to be treated wrongly, you are very brave sharing your story, be as brave to get out of the prison you feel at, you are loved, I am praying for you, don’t feel discourage.
Never blame yourself for the behavior of disgusting monsters. You are extremely brave and I am so sorry that you had to go through something so horrific. It’s very important for you to look into therapy. You have PTSD and the feelings you are trying to deal with on your own are very common with PTSD. It takes time to heal and anniversaries of traumatic events like to open old wounds. You are a wonderful and perfect human being. Being trans is nothing to be ashamed of. You are loved and you are valid.
No one, no matter what they’ve done, deserves to go through what you went through. What you went through is disgusting and inhumane, and I’m so sorry you had to experience all of that. Instead of focusing on what happened 1 year ago, try focusing on making it an entire year stronger than ever! It’s an accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself.
-Eric
P.S. Here is one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies. What happened is not your fault.
Dear Anniversary Watcher: Stretch and reach for peace, for your ability to forgive your abusers, and for the correct perspective of that event through a godly leader or a Christian counselor. Do not believe the lies that swim into your head. Fill your ears with uplifting songs of peace and your eyes with God’s Word and the beauty of His Creation. God offers life and peace especially when the enemy has tried to rob you of these. There is a battle for YOU. Reach for truth with all you have, my dear.
Loving from afar,
Mom
