I could put so much here. This is the first I’ve vented in a while…thats primarily the point here…
I struggled with porn and masturbation in junior high. I always knew it was wrong and would get depressed after every relapse. A youth leader at my church was the first I confided in, because I was scared to talk to my dad while he was in school. I finally talked to him, and things got ‘better’. Thats when i wanted to go and be a youth pastor. My entire family and everyone around me saw me doing that.
Before I went to Bible school, I fell in love with a girl. She stole my heart. But it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t notice it for a while…
Fast forward two and a half years into bible school, I’m loving ministry and can’t wait to go into church. But I’m dragged down…by the one I love. As I stepped back, I realized I was emotionally captive by this girl. I had given her my all, and she twisted and manipulated it into being everything about her. She had me touch her in ways I vowed to never touch a girl, say things, and we even got engaged. 6 months before our wedding, I broke up with her. Her entire family was infuriated at me and I had letters written to be of disgust. I felt free, but lost. I had my live planned on being a youth pastor with her. Before graduation, I had applied for many churches and started dating a girl from school. None of the churches accepted my resume, and I landed back at home.
I still have memories of her…of the way she’d captivate me into doing things…I feel like she still has my heart. I’ve fallen back into masturbation to the point where I’ve wanted to not just hurt, but mutilate my genitals. I’ve been a cutter and mentally self-abusive maniac against myself. I dread the way that I look, think, and act. I can’t go into ministry this way. I freak out at the thought of leaving home because I don’t know what to do. I’m in a leadership program with a bank, but my family doesn’t see me in that. They see me in church. My grandfather even confronted me and said I need to be in ministry and that he’s scared all my education will go to waste. I told him I’m interested in going to school for teaching, and he shut that down. I haven’t had much support from anyone else.
My girlfriend has had traumatic experiences that she deals with too…and that hurts on top of everything else. I’m scared we’re going to fail, and that I’ll mutilate yet another precious girl. I’ve always wanted to be a husband…a father to a precious little girl…but if this doesn’t work, I’ll never trust myself with another girl. It has to be my fault. I dont know why it wouldn’t be.
If it weren’t for my immediate family, I would have pulled the trigger months ago…but I haven’t. Instead, I feel like I’m going to explode on the inside with thoughts of confusion, hatred, fury, grief, sorrow, and so much more…
Before I broke up with her, she told me I changed…maybe I did…and I just didn’t realize it…
I guess I’ll just go to my day job and pay the bills…and pray I don’t hurt anyone else…I’ll take the pain for any single person…I’ve written novels of mutilating myself…I’ll be fine…just another day…