Anxiety? OCD? or just a terrible person?

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Hi
I’m struggling with incestual thoughts about my stepdad, and I am also struggling with violent thoughts as well as thoughts about molesting my six year old brother. I have not been diagnosed with Pure O or any type of OCD, and I really want to get help. My mom says that we need to delay that because of time and money. I have not spoken to her about these issues, but she knows that I struggle with thoughts on incest and violence. I once told her that I had thoughts about killing the entire family.

I know I don’t want to do these things, but there are times when they keep coming up. I do not know how to deal with them anymore.

I cope by thinking about romance and sexual fantasies–obsessing over my crushes. That makes me calm and safe. It doesn’t feel good after a while though because sometimes it takes away from my living in the present. I get so caught up in my head that I stay there instead of doing something productive or spending time with my famliy.

I just moved halfway across the world to be with my mom’s family, so most of the time I feel alone or disconnected.

Last night, I was thinking of killing myself again because I didn’t see the point anymore. I have been struggling with my faith in God for a long time, and I decided to become agnostic.
Another reason why I wanted to kill myself was because I was being really mean to my six year old brother. I kept shouting at him and I was being dismissive and emotionally abusive. He just irritates me at times, and I always keep this fear in my heart of physically hurting him because of the urges. I just want to push him away. I was thinking of moving back to where I came from halfway across the world and never see my family ever again.

I have no one to talk to about this. I feel like I’m too toxic for my family and my friends. I know they are trying their best and they’re sick of my shit. People say that I don’t need therapy, and I just being overly reactive. Like none of what I feel or am going is valid because my dad has money and I lived an abundant life. I don’t know.

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Hey,

I know what you’re going through bc I’ve been there, and I can tell you that you 100% have ocd. These thoughts don’t mean anything about you as a person and none of what’s been happening to you is your fault. You’re not being overreactive either. The thoughts and feelings that come up can be horrifying, but trust me things get better.

It’s easy to feel alone and hopeless when it seems like no one else understands what you’re going through, but there are tons of other people dealing with the same things you are, and there are tons of people who’ve dealt with those things and gotten better. So try to go easy on yourself, and always try to reach out to someone when you’re feeling that low, even if it’s just to distract yourself for a little while.

My advice would be to make getting therapy your priority, it’s really the best way to get through this condition, but until that can happen educate yourself as much as you can on the internet about “pure o” ocd and intrusive thoughts, and what treatment looks like.
Keep your head up buddy, we’re in this together :+1:

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Thank you so much! This is really helpful.