When I’m baked I’m so much nicer to the people I care about the most n have positive thoughts about them but do nothing Im supposed to n recluse even more than usual to ruminate over my thoughts n feelings, always getting lost. When I’m sober I swim thru an unpredictable sea of negative emotions waiting for the next problem. I feel perpetually miserable. But get thing done around the house n work. I want to be good to my wife n daughter, stoned I’m pleasent to be around but useless n immediately want to recluse, hide. Sober, I’m simply no fun. We’ll go out n about I’ll find a way to ruin something, somehow. And…im such a smart motherfu*ker I convince my wife or people around me that it’s sum bs like bad luck or even her fault when I really should just try harder to make life wonderful, because I love them. So much
… Just writing this is liberating, but I am stoned right now
I can understand how using can be an escape from the feelings and stresses of reality. But it sounds like its very crippling for you.
The question is, what do you feel like could help you come through that? Would something like doing more things that you enjoy and love as a family help? Would talking to a therapist be helpful for you? Are there things going on around your life and home that you need to talk about and change so that you can feel better and happier about your life and living environment?
I’m sorry you are hurting my friend. The first best move is to ask yourself what things you’d like to see change and feel better and then make small goals that could help you make a happier and healthier change.
Do you think that maybe attending AA and NA meetings would help you? Maybe working through the 12 steps and having a sponsor could help you through this process as well as be around other people who can relate.
I hope that you can find something that will bring you strength and encouragement so that you can find peace within yourself and your family.