Everything is moving foreward, but I'm stuck in time

HeartSupport Support
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I think this topic will fit in multiple topics but feeling stuck is the general feeling i have, I think.

There are loads of things going on, and maybe it seems tiny but for me every “problem” feels like a wall that closes me in.

I used to have a pretty close friend in highschool which i always went to with how i felt, which was great. But I haven’t spoken to her since I went to college, which has been over a year now. and it breaks me. I am really bad at maintaining connections and now I am scared to ask her to meet up again.

I also have been gender dyshporic for my whole life (Male to female), and i have been taking steps towards transition which was a big step for me and im still glad i took that step but now I got a letter from the instance, which is also the only instance in the Netherlands that you can go to for these kinda things, that there is a waiting list of atleast 2 years. so that means im stuck in this body that i thought i would be able to leave behind as soon as i came out. i will be 20 when i finally can go into the process. Btw, the only ones who know about it are friends online and my parents.

I also feel like everyone seems to have expectations of me.
My parents keep pressuring me to get a job since I will be turning 18 soon and will have to pay taxes.
but I’m scared that i will be in an even worse state if there is going to be another place where I will be deadnamed, where people will address me with the pronounces and name that make me hate myself. But sadly enough they dont seem to understand me.

I also have been doing music for as long as I can remember, and It has helped me. Writing songs and just fighting the strings on my guitar helped me get rid of feelings for short terms, but it seems to help less and less for some reason. But now everyone expect me to peform for them, but im scared to sing and play in front of friends, family, anyone actually. even tho I have had singing lessons for 2 years and my singing coach tells me I have gotten better, I dont see any progression and still have a huge disgust towards my own voice, which has probably also to do with the gender dysphoria. because of that im scared to peform for people but they keep asking me to do so and it just makes me stressed out and scared.

from the 1st of september I will have internship for half a year, full time. and I am scared I will have no social contact with anyone my age.

I mentioned earlier that I have friends online but it still doesnt feel the same.

I feel like everything is moving moving foreward so fast, but I cant keep up, I am stuck and just want to go back, I dont know how to move foreward. I’m just stuck inside multiple walls and dont have the guts to pick up a hammer and break them.

I’m just, lost.

I’m sorry if this whole story doesnt make sense, im not that great with English or words in general.

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Hey @NotJedo,

My best friend is going through the exact same thing you are struggling with. I personally have never experienced gender dysmorphia but i hope I can help.

I think you should get back in touch with your old friend. I know it may seem daunting but at the end of the day worse case scenario is that it would be kinda awkward at first but you clearly had a very strong bond.

As for people in your workplace, if they’re trying to bring you down then they are already below you.

I know its easier said then done but try your best to not let them get the better of you, the less reaction you have the less likely they are to continue. (I’m sorry that’s the only advice I can offer to that… I feel kinda useless with that sort of advice :grimacing:)

Wow, you can sing and play guitar that is amazing! You should be so so proud of that! If a vocal coach has told you, you are improving it’s not a lie you may not be able to hear it yourself because you hear yourself all time.

Thank you for posting and I’m so sorry if this doesn’t offer any help
Hold fast friend,
Luna x

1 Like
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Hello! You know, you should talk right now with your friend. If you were that close, you’ll be still the same even though some time has passed. That’s what a real friend is!!
And about your gender dysmorphia, I just don’t know how you feel, but I tell you that nowadays there are really open minded people and they’re just SO supporting! You just have to find the right person to talk about this.
Keep playing the guitar and writing songs! It’s a nice therapy. DO NOT SING if you don’t want to. You’re not forced to do anything you don’t want to. and FUCK those who insist or call you a “pussy” just for not wanting to do something. (this has happened to me that’s why I say this).
Please keep trying and I promise everything will get better :heart:

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Hey @NotJedo

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of stress between personal life, friends and future work. I can imagine that is very overwhelming, so thank you for taking the time to voice these things here. When life gets crazy, it can be difficult to keep in touch with people, even if you don’t mean to lose touch. That being said, I feel like since you and your friend were so close in high school, it would be worth reaching out again and that they would probably be understanding because of how close you two were.

Expectations that others have for us are so stressful because we don’t want to disappoint anyone, but we also want to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. That being said, I would encourage you to give yourself some grace and know that where you are is where you are supposed to be in the way that jobs and internships, the way we feel about ourselves and our abilities will fall into place even if it isn’t at the same time as other people. We all do things at our own pace and that is ok. So, know that although you may feel stuck, I believe that you will get there. Myself and the rest of HeartSupport believe in you! Hold fast.

~Hannah

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Hey @NotJedo
It’s been a while…
I just wanted to see how you are doing.

Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk.

I hope everything is getting better!

Hold fast,
Luna x

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Nothing really has changed, did message my friend tho and we will meet up soon.
Thank you for caring <3

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Heyyy,
Don’t thank me, I haven’t done anything at all. I’m so sorry to hear that you feel the same way and i really really hope that everything sorts itself out for you!! You seem like a great person and you deserve the best!

Well done for talking to your friend that takes a lot of courage.

I hope everything goes well with your friend!
:heart:️