Well, here I am. I haven’t posted on HS in years, but I’m back. Because, I feel like I have no one else in the world to talk to about this. There are just SO many things going wrong in my life. And I’ve been trying my best to be a good follower of Jesus, and a good friend and son, and brother. I try my best every day to be selfless, to put others first, to love others, and here I am. I feel so alone. And despondent. And helps.
The biggest thing I’m dealing with right now is the heaviest matter on my heart, which IS my heart. I was talking to this girl for a little over 2 1/2 months. It started off really random. She messaged me on Facebook, asking if I wanted to donate to this Christian non-profit she works for. And idk, we just starting talking, and hit it off. We talked on the phone for hours upon hours, and Facetimed almost every day. The more I got to know her and her heart, the more I feel for her. I loved how passionate she was for people and for God. I had never met a girl who was like her. Independent, beautiful, passionate for Jesus, talented (did I mention beautiful?). Fast forward a few weeks and, we had this strange connection. She told me she loved me, like in a romantic way. She told me she was in love with me, and loved everything about who I am, and she didn’t resent me for my past and things I’d done, as I could never resent her for her past. She was the first person, in a very long time, who I felt understood my heart and passion. I’ve struggled with mental health the majority of my life. I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression, and severe anxiety (the kind where overthinking leads to a unwelcome panic attack). And yet, she understood my mental health, better than anyone I had known. And she cared for me. We even made a plan for me to visit her, and do all these amazing things.
Fast forward another month or so, and things changed. She became very despondent and distant. I thought it was just her mental health getting worse, so I tried to give her space and respect what she was going through, but at the same time, letting her know I was there for her, always. And I was. I always there. Well, one night, I finally asked her to let me in… on why things were different and why she was acting so strange and distant. She told me.
One night, while we were still talking (as in, with in the romantic intention of possibly dating, because we were VERY interested in each other)… she had texted an old friend of hers, who she used to mess around with, to get drunk with him and have sex. And so she did. She confessed this to me, after the fact. And I won’t lie. I cried. For hours and hours I cried. It hurt me. More than anyone who’s hurt me in the past, and I’ve been hurt plenty of times (cheated on, physically and emotionally abused). She said that because of her mistake that night, it caused her to rethink her feelings. She claimed she still loved me and wasn’t ruling out dating in the future, but just that she was suffering because of her guilt. And I didn’t blame her. In fact, I encouraged her. I was there for her. I loved her the best way I could. But yet, she stopped talking after. She became even more distant. She stopped telling me she loved me, and that she was crazy about me. She stopped flirting with me. She basically just abandoned me, without any explanation.
I know reading this sounds silly. We weren’t even dating, (although we were talking, very seriously) and she made a mistake, and I’m all upset about it. It probably sounds dumb and trivial to anyone reading this, but to me… it wrecked me. I’ve always made it a daily mission of mine, to always put God first. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I really really had. I prayed everyday, all day, put my faith and trust in Him, that everything will work out, even if this wasn’t His will for me. I tried my best to be a good, faithful follower. And I feel like, this girl, encouraged me in that. Instead of me getting all crazy and obsessive about her when we were talking, I was obsessing over Jesus and wanting to be a loving, compassionate man of God.
Yet, here I am. On Heartsupport, telling you all this. I’m hurting. I’m broken. I pray day and night for Jesus to rid me of this burden, but here I am. It’s a bad beat for me. I’ve been heartbroken before, but never like this. Now, I guess we’re just friends, which I respect and it’s whatever, at the end of the day. I care about her. But, it’s hard with how things were between us, not even a few weeks ago. We went from, being crazy about each other, and talking about God and how He was going to use us in great ways, to well… her doing what she did, and abandoning me.
It sucks guys. I’ve been trying to ‘just trust in God, put Him first, and let everything will work out…” but, I’m just being a realist here. I’m suffering, and I feel alone. The few people I’ve turned to, just looked past my hurt and told me to just ‘move on’ and deal with it. Like, obviously I’m trying to put God first, as I have before, and I’m trying to forgive and forget, and I’m trying to be ‘okay’, if that’s even a thing. But it’s hard. So so so hard. I feel like no one understands my pain, or acknowledges it. It makes me feel invalid, and like a burden. Even my pastors back home didn’t have anything to say about it.
On top of all this, my family basically disowned me. I moved from Texas to stay with a good friend and help him with bills, etc. Then one day, her told me he’s moving to Seattle, and so I decided it’d be best to stay with some of my family in Delaware, and well… after being here for NOT even a month and a half, they’re asking me to go somewhere else. After I’ve always be there for them, helped with their bills, paid rent, like… I did a lot for them. And their reason was my mental health. And that I’ve become distant. And they just didn’t want me to be around for that. So, this has all been very hard. I’d be lying if I hadn’t thought about suicide a lot. And I may have cut myself a few times in the past month because of dealing with all this. It’s been a lot.
Please, any guidance, or encouragement is appreciated. Thank you for reading.
