It’s only been a few days since I last posted so I understand if none of you want to bother with this. I know that what I say is going to make every single one of my responses on the wall worthless but I guess I need to put it somewhere.
Since the admission of my relapse in both my self harm and addiction I have had a seriously bad time. I spent 2-3 days high on the pills and now that I’ve had the high again, the cravings and emotional pain have come back twice as strong. On Saturday I planned my suicide. I felt so alone and I’d looked up in the past if overdosing on my anti-depressants was possible and remember reading that it was. I cried and beat myself down for hours until I decided that I was going to write my final messages to people and overdose to end everything. I even started to send those messages out. During mums pregnancy with me there was a bunch of complication which meant that my twin died early on. Those complication ended up making us ill and very nearly killing both me and my mum. On a weekly basis my parents remind me of that, with statements like; “Don’t you remember the torture you put me and your mother through?” “You kicked out your twin and nearly killed your mother. This is the least you can do…” followed by an instruction. I’ve heard this my whole life but since my relapse it’s been affecting me so much more. My suicidal thoughts are just lingering constantly. I don’t know if I can come back up from the relapse. I don’t know how to fix the way I treated one of my best friends whilst I was high. I feel as if the events of Saturday have taken everything I had. I have no more energy, no more hope. I’m supposed to be phoning my doctor about private therapists/counselling due to the waitlists. I don’t even think I have the energy to pick up the phone anymore. I don’t know if I can come back from all of this, and honestly, at times, part of me wonders if I even want to… My parents adore my sisters yet they wont love me. I don’t remember the last time one my family members hugged me. Is the reason I don’t deserve their love because of the fact I nearly took my mum away from dad? I really don’t know what to do anymore.
Hang in there I’ve often sat up and wondered what they would say at my eulogy or if they would even care but people do care and it speaks volumes that your brave enough to speak openly about your pain
Kayla, plenty of people are here to help you, please don’t feel like a burden. This also in no way invalidates your responses, thank you for sharing and also supporting others. You can’t blame yourself for medical issues at birth, none of that is your fault. That said, I’m sure it’s possible there is underlying resentment from your folks, however I hope that they understand as well that you can’t be blamed for that. Struggling with addiction and depression is certainly difficult, for both you and your loved ones. I know it isn’t easy, but have you tried talking with them about how you feel or what you’re struggling with? Or potentially one of your sisters so you feel less isolated in your family? I know none of this is easy, but stay strong, we believe in you and are here for support when you need it.
Hey @Kayla,
I’m going to say what I said in your last post because it’s true and I want you to remember it.
You put heart and passion into your replies, and I know that you truly mean every word that you type. Unfortunately, battling demons is a LOT easier said than done, so don’t discredit all of the wonderful advice that you’ve left people on the HeartSupport Wall. I’ve lost count with how many times I’ve felt like a hypocrite by giving advice but find it difficult to apply it to my own life (i.e. “easier said than done”). The point is: You KNOW what the truth is by giving advice to other people, which is essential when it’s time to apply the same “truth” to your personal life during personal battles - it can just be tough trying to get the truth from the head to the heart, and I completely understand.
To add into that: You know that you’re strong, you know that you’re valuable, and you know that you will beat this. You’re going through hell right now, but after a storm comes the sunshine. We’re here cheering you on because we know that you will see the sunshine; you just need to hold on for a little longer while the last of the lightning strikes hit.
I’m proud of you for fighting back. You should be proud of yourself too for not letting your demons win, by going in and seeing someone as quickly as possible. You’re strong. Remember that.
-Eric