I’m still new to seeking help so please bear with me please. Also includes some potential triggers.
Two years ago I had been crushed under a crippling and overpowering fatigue that took and fueled my depression. It got to the point where I lost 60+ lbs and turned gray but emotionally I did not have the energy to advocate for myself and seek help. Eventually I was able to get to a doctor but it only led to a misdiagnosis and the doctor essentially telling me I was feeling all my physical symptoms because I wanted to. I’m sure I’m not alone when I say no one wants to ever feel this way so I saw different doctors and they all only chose to tell me my illness was in my head.
This led to extreme substance abuse to the point where I suffered organ failure and was hospitilized. By the time I woke up from the pain and confusion I had been placed in a mental institute that prioritized preventing immediate harm and staff had continued to tell me I was there because I was a danger to the people I loved. This was all right before Christmas which unfortunately led to me being detained and missing both Christmas and New Years with my family.
I did not consider myself suicidal and I had thought that I had the awareness to know if I was genuinely insane so my depression somehow worsened.
When I was finally released my family surprised and blessed me with a beautiful little puppy that I named Mojo because everyone agreed I needed my mojo back. He has adopted my personality and given me such an intense absolute love I haven’t felt since before my depression. Due to trauma I had suffered in the past I was accepted into a class to train him to become an emotional service dog which has created such an incredible bond.
A couple weeks after I was released from the Mental Institute the doctors I had seen called to apologize and tell me that my blood from the tests before was actually not normal at all and they hadn’t realized it the first time. It was a relief but a challenge at the same time because my symptoms were replicating late stage cancer and pursuing an answer could lead to an answer my family didn’t want to hear.
It has been almost two years now and 30+ different specialists have not been able to find out what it is that is causing my illness. I’m 19 and have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia (chronic joint and muscle pain), Chronic Migraine, as well as a number of digestive issues. The doctors have only been able to tell me what I don’t have which is relieving but at the same time beyond frustrating.
I am beyond declaring that it isn’t fair and that I want my life back thanks to Mojo but if my condition lasts longer than Mojo I know it will be the end for me. I know he is still a puppy technically but my heart aches just thinking of a reality without him. I have him now and I cannot express how grateful I am for that but I’m not sure I even have the strength to lay the groundwork to living without him.
It’s obvious we don’t deserve dogs but I know I won’t make it without him.
Gr00vy13,
Man, not sure how we missed this one, first off I want to apologize for the major delay in response. Next I want to thank you for opening up about this situation – especially after having such difficulties with the doctors not believing you at first and then later believing you and you having difficulties reaching out for help, I sincerely appreciate your courage. So rad.
What you’re facing man is so strange…it’s so strange because it’s shifting your understanding of who you are…it feels like no one is able to understand you – not the doctors, not even your family…and if the people who are both paid to do it and who are bound by blood to do it can’t understand you, who could? It’s got to be incredibly isolating to be living in this existence where you feel you don’t even understand yourself.
On top of that to be experiencing ongoing pain and not know what’s happening, to have no hope of it changing after years of seeing so many doctors and specialists and just trying to find answers, and at the end of it all (or at least at this point in the journey) to feel like you’re still empty-handed has got to be incredibly discouraging.
And on top of all of THAT you’ve got this underlying layer of depression in your own mind anyways, and feeling so alone and so discouraged for so long has got to take a serious mental wear and tear on you psyche…to feel like your life has got this uncertainty to it, this weight to it, this melancholy, this void you have no idea what caused it or how to go about filling it or addressing it…as the baseline of this crazy experience / escapade, that’s a rocky foundation.
And then to feel like your lifeline – this dog, your personal “Mojo” – is limited…to be able to see the finiteness of its support, but to rely so entirely on it for the love you are desperately needing…for the understanding and acceptance that you crave…to know that it is only temporary, it is a heavy feeling…to feel like you lean so entirely on it and one day it will be crushed and you will be alone again, only this time the void will be even greater because you will be missing someone else and not just mourning your own situation…it is an absolutely terrifying thought.
All in all, man, I feel even a fraction of the weight you’re experiencing by taking a peek into your life, and dude, it’s brutal. If anything, I hope to offer you this: I see you – at least a part of you. I understand you – at least fractions of these pieces of your story. Hopefully you can feel at the end of this message that you are a little less alone than you were when you started, and that you are safe here. You are seen, and you are safe…to be in the “not yet”, to be misunderstood, to be uncertain, to be down, and yet to hope that one day you will have your own mojo back coursing through your veins. I hope the same for you friend, and I believe it’s a journey we can’t take alone. Thank you for taking this first step into community. Your courage is honorable.
-Nate
Thank you Nate. This affirmation and acceptance has meant more than you know. I’ve thought of myself as many things and a coward has been one of them. However, what you’ve said has shown me a different side that I didn’t even consider. The understanding too is something I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am for. A good portion of the time people believe that telling me they’re tired as well will help me feel like I can relate to them but it isolates me further. You’ve given me your ear and offered not an assumption of an understanding but support through willingness to understand and I appreciate it immensely. Thank you again Nate, keep being a legend to those you meet.
Hey there, I know it’s been a while, but we wanted to respond to you 
I also wanted to add this little clip of my doggo being silly https://clips.twitch.tv/ArtisticCrispyBarracudaCoolCat
Love you friend. Reach out anytime. I believe in you 
<3
You’re struggle is inspiring to me. I’m 18 in a rehab for meth addiction. At times my dog was the only thing that kept me alive too. They are so unconditionally loving and are the best friends ever. Please hold on to that leash. He would be lost without you. I wish I had some magical advice or words. But I don’t. But I am here if you want to talk. I love you. Be strong.
Thank you Mxiety. I had always been one to preach “the present is a present (gift)” but I forgot what it even meant until you reminded me. I appreciate you believing in me and showing me my past will help me conquer my future but telling me not to lose my now is exactly what I’ve needed for a couple weeks now. Thank you again, it means more than you know. Your friend, Groovy.
P.S. Flynn is also extremely adorable, thank you for sharing.
Thank you Matthias. Thanks to my self medication I was brought into the program and am already meeting some of the most real friends in my life. There are no magic words and even if there was they wouldn’t be necessary because your honesty means so much more. Sincerly, thank you for sharing. Your friend, Groovy