I am disgusting because of my attention needs

HeartSupport Support
1

As I’m writing this I can’t help but feel disgust and self hatred. I’m incredibly embarrassed to write all of this because I do not want to be labelled, shunned or judged. I just feel lost and that it’s time to share this.

I’ve had a super intense rough patch in my life recently, being dumped by my ex and a friendship break-up with another of my ex’s who was also my best friend. Over the last 8-10 months or so I’ve had a lot of relationships, maybe 4 or 5, some proper bf and gf, some FWB and others just dating and almost being a thing. I’m not sure whether I’m addicted to the attention, sex or relationships. Especially as I am very open minded which often results in topics circulating around sex. Due to this, online dating/sexting and sending pictures has happened and in some cases ended badly including a person refusing to delete the pictures. I feel like crap without someone sexually attracted to me.

I’ve been freaking out a bit today, because, I started casually talking to someone from another discord, and for some reason we had a really long chat ranging from what we do in life, our pets and our age and then being as open as I am, we got onto the topic of sexual interests.
I like discussing and talking about sex without the intention of “getting” with them. It’s similar to how most people like to discuss their favourite hobby. However, I know subconsciously that I would like this person to want me and give me attention. I find myself thinking about the person in question all day after we chat. I wish to be single, or with someone in my country. So it isn’t as if I’m interested, they just sit on my mind. I hate how I let the attention get to me and it’s all I’ve been thinking about. I spent 3 hours non stop chatting with him craving the attention. I seem to always get involved with guys online that treat me badly and it has me worried this will be the same.
The fear of the addiction caused me instant anxiety resulting in me saying I was going for a nap, purely to end the conversation. I felt the need to be accomodating to him, meeting his needs and wants instead of my own. Which I’m still confused over myself. I think I need time to be alone, spending time as “me” not “we” and find myself again, because right now, I’m scared of my sexuality, and believe it defines me. I don’t recognise myself. It feels like I am trash, that no one will want me if I’m not a good lover or not good enough for people, including those online.

Enjoying this whole interaction has me thinking that I’m unfaithful even though I am very much single. I know I still have a lot of feelings for both my ex’s and I know I need to allow these feelings to calm down, but it just seems as though I keep putting myself in this situation. When I don’t have this attention I go searching for it. A guy I sort of online dated (let’s call him D, the one that refused to delete the pictures) messaged me saying he misses me. Although I know he isn’t good for me, I felt alone and so desperate for his approval and attraction to make me feel okay and worthy.

If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated, but I’m mostly just writing this to vent and get my feelings out. Thank you for reading this.

1 Like
2

IM SO PROUD OF YOU. I know how freaking hard this was for you. These things don’t make you a bad person, any less of a beautiful human and they definitely don’t make you any less worthy of love and support. The community aren’t going to judge you, they’re not going to label you. We are here to listen and support you. As someone who’s never experienced this before I’m sorry I can’t be of more help - just know that you’re not a piece of crap for wanting to be loved, for exploring your sexuality and craving intimacy. You’re incredibly brave for sharing this, I wish I could help you a little bit more but just remember that none of us are going to look down on you for this. We don’t think any less of you. In fact, I’m sure the respect some people have for you has shot up after seeing you be so honest and open about this. I love you. I’m proud of you. You’re stronger than you think.

Hold fast.
Kayla

3 Likes
3

I think ultimately, enjoying and exploring your sexuality is a very healthy thing, if it is done safely. Safety for me in this sense is physical, emotional and mental, the wrong person having photos of you is incredibly stressful and can be a long term burden to your mental health.

Having boundaries that you internalise and stick to even in a “moment” with someone is a strong basis for a safe approach to expressing yourself online.

That’s a separate issue from craving attention. I suffer from BPD and the last 20 years or so of my life has been coping with needy and attention seeking behaviour (often in very unhealthy and risky ways). I understand the self-loathing part of the attention seeking completely. I’ve spent a lot of time processing my behaviour through mindfulness and it’s really allowed me to be a lot more kind to myself and understand my “self” rather than just compare myself to how other people seem to behave.
I can only speak for what I found about myself through this, but really what I crave is close connections with people that truly understand me and not like “Saturday brunch friends”. Talking to someone about life and everything for say 8 hours on Discord is like weeks worth of time to really spend dedicated with someone IRL because everyone is constantly busy and distracted. It’s OK for me to want close and strong connections, and it’s OK for me to want that to happen quicker than IRL necessitates. And sharing intimate information with the right person is also fine, again there is nothing wrong about exploring sexuality and wanting to express that safely.

What’s not OK is me getting anxious and stressed when someone online has something else to do, or changing my own behaviour to make myself more likeable to them or start ignoring real life tasks because I don’t want to miss time with them. Those are the key points I have been working on for a while now. I have my own self that I work hard on defining and internalising but it’s not easy and it does take time. It also hasn’t meant that I just straight change how I talk to people online, I just have stronger boundaries that take longer to get through so there is a much stronger trust first.

2 Likes
4

Hey @Palefires,

Please don’t ever feeling like you’ll be labeled, shunned or judged by posting here. We love you for who you are, and we hope that you feel comfortable enough to post anything, any time.

I’m of the personal mindset that online dating can be a beautiful thing, as long as it’s approached carefully and used tastefully. My current girlfriend and I initially met on CrossPaths and we’ve been happier than ever! I don’t necessarily endorse sexting, but if you were to do it, please be careful not to include any identifying features, because once it’s sent/posted, it’s there forever (via living in the digital age).

You will tend to attract those in which the way you carry yourself. In other words, I’ve found that those who tend to carry themselves well (i.e. with self-confidence, self-worth and self-awareness) tend to attract similar-minded people. On the flip-side, those who tend to bury themselves in bad habits tend to attract similar-minded people. No matter how you carry yourself, someone will always want you, so you won’t have to worry about that. However, I would suggest trying your best to be the best version of yourself that you can be, and I guarantee that you’ll attract someone with a huge heart who will want to fight for you and protect you through thick-and-thin. (Disclaimer: I’m not saying that those who want you just to “have a good time” don’t care about your well-being, however you’ll tend to find more golden nuggets within the sea of guys/girls who care about your heart and character over having a good time).

Anyway, that’s just my two-cents. I hope some of this helped. :slight_smile:

-Eric

2 Likes