I can't keep going anymore

[inkblacksakura]

I can’t do this anymore.

I want to be loved and cherished by one person, ONE fucking person who will be there for me and hug me when I need it.

I’m in my second marriage. I left the first because of abuse and now here I am…I sacrificed everything, I moved to a different continent to be with him because I loved him.

Now it’s like…it’s like I don’t exist. Not just to him but other people too. He spends his days with his friends and I just lay here, alone, in my bed. People come to see him but not me. Never.

I have this stupid illness, this thing - chronic fatigue syndrome, SEID, whatever the fuck you want to call it. It’s an accomplishment if I can leave the house once a week, let alone do anything of worth inside it. And then panic disorder and depression on top of that. So many meds, weekly therapy, all these tests…and what has it accomplished? Nothing. Doctors throw up their hands and say there’s nothing more we can do.

I tried getting involved in church. I tried getting involved in online communities, something, ANYTHING, that could take away this loneliness that plagues me every single day.

It takes so much for me to go out and do things but I try! Yet nobody tries for me…nobody calls to see how I am, nobody stops by if I don’t come to church for a few weeks. My husband’s life moves on without me.

There’s no intimacy, no love, nothing here anymore. I have nothing left to give, I can’t do this anymore! I can’t keep filling other people’s cups when nobody is filling mine…eventually it runs dry. And it has.

I grasp at straws and feel like I’m insane, because I want to hope for the best and try to be optimistic about what people say and do, but I’m always seeing things wrong…always seeing A when they really meant B. And it always crushes me because it’s never in my favour…I see someone as a dear friend then they tell me we can never be close because I’m different.

It makes me feel like my life is built on lies, a fantasy I’ve constructed around myself because the cruel reality was too much and I tried to kill myself years ago. It’s a defense mechanism. And it sucks because it always ends in disappointment.

I can’t rely on anyone to be there. I try to vent and they don’t want to talk about depressing things. Is this why nobody wants me around? Because my life isn’t picture perfect?

I can’t keep living like this. Therapy does nothing. The pills do nothing. The people I should be able to rely on let me down.

I just need one…one person who will hold me and tell me it’s okay. I need that physical reassurance, and yet…I feel like places like this are all I have to turn to because I’m a burden on everyone I know.

I’m trapped and I’m too tired to fight anymore. I just want the pain and loneliness to stop.

[Danny]

Dear @inkblacksakura,
I want to start this by saying that you are loved here. Heartsupport is a community, and we actively work to build one another up. Many, if not all, of us know the feeling: being down in a hole, with people walking by…
But here? Here, someone won’t just stop, they’ll jump right inn with you. They already know how to climb out, so they’ll do it with you. You just have to let them.
Keep going and stay strong. You’ve found a community of people who care. We’ll help you get through this.

[sodahead94]

Dear @inkblacksakura,

It always saddens and kind of (morbidly) fascinates me that people can feel alone even when in a marriage or relationship, even surrounded by friends and family as much as they can feel alone when they are literally by themselves. Loneliness is a state of mind,is something that does not depend on others providing for our happiness. You are faced here with two problems.

1. Coming to realize that your happiness should not depend on others. No one has the obligation to take your problems away. You have to find the strength to create and tend to your little world, design your own routine and habits that make you happy. I do believe you can make yourself your best friend and when you reach that, you get to experience a sort of balance and peacefulness that you can bring to your relationship with others because you no longer have to burden them to provide for your happiness thus making it easy to enjoy both the time with them and the time by yourself. I know it is easier said than done but you can do it. Find you routine, find your hobbies find anything that brings joy to your soul that you can give to yourself.

2. Your husband needs to know that you feel this way. As a partner he is not responsible for your state of mind as I said, but he is sharing this life with you and should be there when you need him. And you do need him. You should not spend your life resenting him for moving away and he should not feel guilty for that. You need to clear things up with him and if you trully feel that nothing could ever change, don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship that serves you no good. Again it is about making yourself happy and protecting yourself through your own means.

To conclude, people know that I like to drop links to Ted Talks around here. I urge you to listen to this one,might change your mindset.

If you need to ever talk to someone please pm me. I also live abroad by myself. I know how lonely it can get.

All love,

Soda

[Sarita]

Hey friend. Thank you for gathering the courage and energy to write about your feelings here, that alone can be extremely difficult, but I’m so happy you did it.

I can relate to a lot of the feelings you’re expressing. I too have been bedbound due to my mental illnesses in the past, and I still struggle to leave the house more than couple times a week. I’ve gone weeks without hearing from a single friend, because they didn’t bother to check up on me. I’ve had doctors throw their hands up in defeat before. What I want you to know is that this is not your fault - these people simply aren’t trying enough.

What got me out of that same darkness you’re in right now, was finding the people who were willing to try hard enough to be there for me. I was so exhausted, so sick of trying when nothing seemed to work, I had given up. I didn’t think I would ever get better, and it seemed pointless to try anymore. But then I found people who were determined to prove me that I was wrong. They told me they believed in me, that they knew I wasn’t a lost cause, and that they would be there for me every step of the way. Best part - these people were all online. Because while having someone physically there for you is awesome, having someone only a text message away can be just as effective. I found friends who were willing to listen me freak out about simple things like going grocery shopping, they would encourage me to do things that I needed to do/wanted to do but couldn’t find the energy for, and they would understand when I told them I was having a bad day, and on those days they would tell me they loved me and promised me that tomorrow was a new day and a new opportunity.

This is exactly why HeartSupport is here. We’re here to listen. You can vent all you want. We will be right here, standing by you when you feel low and alone. We will never judge you or leave you out for being different. We might not be able to physically hold you, but we can assure you we’re here for you, that you’re loved and supported, and we mean it. We’ll celebrate your smallest victories with you. Because we believe in you, and we know you can make it.

I know you don’t want to hear this. Because you’ve been fighting alone for so long, you’re exhausted and want it all to end. But I need you to keep fighting. Because this time, you’re not alone. This whole community is here for you. You’re battling a huge battle, but it’s not pointless, and you will get better. Your mental illness might not be curable, but it is manageable, and you can lead a happy life with it. Yes it takes work, a lot of it, and it’s difficult and exhausting. But it’s so, so worth it, and you’re not battling it alone.

Hold fast. We’re right here for you.

[inkblacksakura]

Thank you all for your support and advice. Sorry for coming off so hostile…I was not in a good frame of mind when I posted. I’m calmer now, and I really appreciate what you all have written. It helps a lot to know especially that there’s people in similar situations.
I’m trying my best to hang on. I have my cat, he’s here for me always so I’m thankful for that. I have lost a lot of the ability to enjoy things I used to love but I’m trying to take pleasure in whatever small thing I can manage to do.
As for my husband…he knows what I am going through and how I feel, and we have argued a lot about it too. It’s hard for me to talk to him anymore because I’m afraid of starting another argument…and if I left, there’s nowhere else to turn. I want this to work, I really do. I care about him, and want him to understand me. Maybe we will have a breakthrough at some point.
Some days, like today, all these feelings can overwhelm me completely. Two budding friendships I had a lot of hope for went all to hell this week and it’s been hard to cope with that…makes me want to just give up on interacting with the outside world. It’s very hard for me to deal with any sort of situation that causes me to feel the slightest bit abandoned due to past trauma.
You guys give me hope, though. Maybe the world isn’t so dark after all.

[Eric]

Hey @inkblacksakura,

I’m so sorry to hear that you aren’t doing too great. I’m not married (yet) (* fingers crossed *), so I’m ill-equipped to speak into that lifestyle, however have you and your husband considered couple’s counseling? I have a few friends who have parents to attended counseling together, regarding issues from finances, lack of interest, etc. My parents didn’t seek counseling and ended up splitting up, so naturally I’m a big advocate of finding a professional to talk to.

I understand your frustration with doctors being like “lol idk” when you bring them a series of issues. Although I don’t have SEID, back in 2012 I was diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and clinical depression. However, doctors couldn’t figure out why I was always dizzy/lightheaded, literally 24/7. Long story short, it faded away after about a year, but still the doctors were puzzled.

I would recommend trying to revisit your idea of church, and try getting involved (i.e. volunteering for something). For me, it’s one of the best ways to make friends when I move to a new city. Make sure you find a church that fits you though - I’m pretty picky when it comes to which congregation I choose to invest my time into.

I love the video that @sodahead94 linked to. I would highly recommend watching it if you haven’t already. In the meantime, you have us, as a community! Thank you for posting here and sharing your thoughts with us. Please keep us updated!

-Eric

[Kayla]

@inkblacksakura thank you for being brave enough to share this. You do exist. You are worth the fight. You matter to us. Sadly we can’t be there to provide physical contact but know we are here to help you through this. You’re okay, we are here for you. Let us fight this battle with you.

Hold fast
Kayla

[EarthOwl]

You are loved you are not alone. I feel the same way as you. Well not exactly because we are different people but I can understand your pain and loneliness. You aren’t alone. I am sending you a hug and telling you you matter you are important and your feelings are valid.