I feel just so upset and angry. I want to scream.
A lot of people see me on heartsupport, and honestly it helps. It helps to see others who are hurt and messed up and to reach out and do my best to help. I love all of you strong angels, and I just can’t bear to lose any of you, I refuse.
Even though it lifts me up every day to go on heartsupport, things right now are just awful. My dad is still in a fucking affair, has been for almost half a year now. It’s been driving me, my sisters, and my mom insane. And my mom doesn’t want to leave him. That part just makes me so upset. He is in a fucking affair with my oldest sister’s ex-best friend! But my mom is a very kind person. She feels that leaving him will be a mistake. I don’t understand that, she literally tells us the night before that he blames her for everything, he yells at us for ridiculous things. I’ve listened to their arguments well past midnight many times, and the way he talks to her is just rude and disrespectful. He’s always acting so arrogant and like he’s the ‘dominant alpha’ and I just want to sink my teeth into flesh. I hate it. I hate being controlled, being told what to do. And this causes arguments between me and my dad, and I can’t even say anything back because my mom doesn’t want to make things worse. She still wants to be with him, after all this shit! She thinks he’s worth saving, that she can get him back, that he cares about us still, BUT IF HE DID HE WOULDN’T STILL BE IN THIS FUCKING AFFAIR!
I feel insane. I’m losing my mind. And things are so hard for Sammy, my oldest sister. My mom wants to confront the ex best friend (let’s call her Vera) face to face so Sammy still has to text her ex best friend like Sammy doesn’t know it’s her who’s with my dad these days. And it’s just destroying my sister, lying and faking goes against her morals, her very self. It’s killing her, and I can’t handle it. If we confront Vera and make her back off, she’ll go running straight to my dad, and then we confront him and give him the ultimatium.
Mom wants to wait, to give him another chance. She thinks he has a mental illness, but it’s not that, he’s just in love. He says oh it’ll be a few more months, WELL YOU SAID THE SAME THING IN DECEMBER! Their relationship seems so one sided to me and like where’s her dignity? Is he worth her living in pain and losing her mind?
Sammy and me are just about on the brink of killing someone.
On top of that, I have a friend at school who’s depressed and I feel like I’m not helping her at all.
And my birthday is in four days, on the 16th. It’s gonna completely suck, because I wanted an electric guitar, but apparently we have to start saving money so we can go on family trips. Like I don’t see those bullshit lies.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. There are so many things in life I want to do that I can’t because of the way my family is, like start a band (in the garage probably) and dye my hair but I cant. I hate feeling suppressed like this.