I haven’t been on in a while due to huge life changes. I decided to pack up my things and move about 18 hours away from my home town where I was born and raised. It has been a roller coaster of a ride to say the least.
I came to this new place filled with hope and motivation to make life better for me and my family. I recently went home to visit and something inside of me flipped. I no longer want to be in the town I’m in. I want to be back home with my family. It took everything I had (financially) to get back after my visit, so packing up and heading back immediately isn’t an option. The thought was motivating me to work my ass off even harder.
A couple of days ago I just lost it. I was out with a friend and after they went home I had a mental breakdown. I was crying loud and hard, more than usual. I’m also someone who is very in control of myself, but that night I literally went into the bathroom to make myself throw up. Last night after dinner I was still in a weird funk and felt like doing it again. Luckily I had more control over myself last night than I did before.
I honestly don’t know what to do because I’m completely alone here and don’t have any distractions. My friend is leaving town soon so I really won’t have anyone here. What if I lose control again and talk myself into believing all of the negative and nasty things that go on in my mind in those moments? Who do I turn to? I have plenty of people who say I can talk to them, but I honestly don’t know how to express the things that go on in my mind to them. Especially when I know they care and worry about me. I don’t want to be a burden or the center of their attention just because I can’t get a grip on what is going on in my life.
A lot more has been going on but this is the most recent and stressful to me in this moment.
Dang, Birdie24, to feel like your whole sense of belonging depends on this one friend, and then to anticipate the loneliness that’s going to sink in when they leave, to live in this state of regret of moving and wanting to return to your family but being stuck where you are because of money, to feel like when you’re left alone you’re susceptible to self-destructive thoughts and habits, and then to feel like when you reach out to others they couldn’t possibly understand or if they do you couldn’t possibly ask them to take on your burdens with you…it feels like you’re trapped in this downward spiral and don’t know how to reverse it or move it back upwards…and this doesn’t include all of the little things that keep chipping away at your resolve or your desire to do good or to try to reverse the cycle…it just feels like wave after wave after wave of discouragement and loneliness, and you don’t know what to do to make things better
I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. I know it can be really hard when you went in expecting something different. It’s normal to feel the weight of this. When I moved I went in with high hopes that things would get better. I don’t do well with change on top of so many other circumstances. Moving was the hardest thing I have ever done. It got to the point where my husband told me he didn’t want to be with me because I kept flipping out all the time. Thankfully he didn’t mean it and helped me get through it. You can’t get through this by yourself. It’s too much to carry. Something that really helped me was finding a counselor to speak to. It’s worth the money completely. I got my life back and things are getting better. There are counselors that have sliding scales you can call and ask them their rates. Another thing is maybe seeing if there is a support group. Some churches also have counseling services or even small groups. I know it’s hard to take these steps but you deserve to get through this, to have people come beside you. Even if you don’t have the words maybe just asking one of your friends to just be there for you. You aren’t a burden I know it’s hard to believe this but allowing friends into these places can help and it helps them know they can be there for you. There are hotlines you can call which can be helpful. Try to give yourself grace and know you are going to be ok. Your feelings are valid and it’s okay to need some support. It’s the bravest thing you could do. So many people on here are also willing to talk. Please keep posting and reaching out. Things can get better. It’s okay to cry. It doesn’t mean you are spiraling or going to hit rock bottom. It’s good to get this stuff out when you have been holding it in for so long. I’m glad you are aware of your patterns. Keep pushing forward. Hope things start to look up.