Alright. I really didn’t want to create a new topic because I only do when I reach my lowest point,but here I am.
I feel like I don’t have control on my brain anymore. I’ve always been good at shielding myself from my own mad thoughts but apparently,I’m not anymore. I haven’t been able to be properly drunk in two weeks,since I’m in a 12 steps program and they always check if I’m sober,and I hate this being unable to shut my head off. I’ve been having these thoughts,horrible,morally wrong thoughts that haunt me. I’m a horrible person and I’m scared I may hurt someone. I’m scared that I may try and kill myself again. I truly don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep,when I eat I throw up and I have two or three panic attacks a day…this may be it
@Workingforprogress I know just how you feel. I went through the steps too. In fact, Jake Luhrs, @NateTriesAgain, and @HS_John have all been through the Steps. I think the hardest part for me was admitting I was actually powerless. Using was just another way for me to exert control, and I can tell you this from experience—the first couple weeks are hard and your thought life spirals, but stick with it and actually work the Steps each day. remember your body is detoxing also and when you quit using it works like a parasite. In order for a parasite to live, it has to feed off a host being, but if there is no host being to leech off of, then the parasite dies. Those old defense mechanisms want to stay in effect and thrive, and the more you starve them the more a parasite thrashes around desperately trying to reconnect with the host.
I think what’s hard about the Steps is that we often take a all or nothing mindset. We think change has to come instantaneous as opposed to the hard work of working the process. I know I sure did.
I remember one evening when the group portion ended I sat with my sponsor sharing how, in life, I take that all-or-nothing approach. He nodded and said he could relate. If he couldn’t be the best at something he wouldn’t try. Or he only wanted to learn to become the best. Best musician. Best soccer player. Best friend.
What my sponsor told me after reshaped the way I viewed everything. He said:
“Ben, there’s nothing to fear when you stay stuck or you finally achieve your objective. It’s like staying at zero percent or reaching one hundred percent. There’s no risk of rejection, failure, or defeat because if you never start, you believe you’re safe from those things. But if you’re already at a hundred percent, there’s no risk because you achieved your goal.”
What he explained was that in the Steps process most of the time we live in the “middle” which is where courage and progress really takes shape. The bravest step you can take every day is the one that keeps you going. So take that messy, imperfect, seemingly insignificant one. Starting is victory. Continuing is victory.
The more you put one foot in front of the other, however imperfect, moves you further from zero and closer to where you’re headed, and while it seems like you’re going to implode without a drink, just remind yourself each day you took a step and that’s one more than you were before the last day.
1 Like
Thank you so much Ben,for sharing your story with me and for your strong words…I feel like you could really help people out with your experience… I started the steps 4 months ago and started several times all over because I kept relapsing… right now I’m doing slightly better with alcohol but I’m worried for tonight(new year’s eve)because I always end up in a ditch or on the sidewalk in random places.thank you again
1 Like